Cycle Reviews 9 & 10

Hi! Yes, I'm still alive, just haven't had much time on my hands, still pretty busy over here.  I thought I'd stop by and update on the latest cycle review though.  I don't know if you noticed, but last month there wasn't a cycle review.  That actually wasn't my fault, my doctor had the audacity (lol) to take a vacation.  So now you you get two cycle reviews in one, lucky you!

It actually works out pretty well, because the last two cycles were pretty similar.  Same old same old with the clomid and progesterone shots and tons of supplements in between. The side effects of, well, some of the many possible things really kicked up though.  I had nonstop headaches pre-peak (think going to sleep and waking up with headaches for at least a week, ugh) then post peak nausea that made me plan my walking routes but what trash cans I could stop by if necessary (luckily was never necessary). So... that was fun.. if you call barely functioning fun.

I noticed that pre-peak my mucus quality was pretty poor, even though I was on ALL the mucus enhancers, and post-peak I lost all my dry days I had been gaining. Then I got some results from my first round of blood tests and ultrasounds and I couldn't quite interpret them, but I knew they weren't improvements.

So I didn't have a great feeling when my doctor led with  "Let's talk about your ultrasounds. Well...your lining looked good."  Unfortunately, my estradiol level hinted and my ultrasounds confirmed that I didn't ovulate either of the last two months.  Apparently, even after the surgery my body has decided to become clomid resistant, because it's awesome like that. My progesterone levels were ok, but basically just showed that the shots are doing their job.

So, on the plus side, no more clomid.  I was really starting to hate that stuff. On the downside, we're on to the last option we're certain we'll try.  Next month we'll give letrezole (femera) a shot. If that doesn't work, we might move on to injectibles, but the cost still looks prohibitive, so we've decided we'll cross that bridge if/when we get there.

I'm handling it, well, ok.  On the one hand, its pretty upsetting to know that only 6 months after surgery my ovaries stopped working again.  Shouldn't they come with like at least a one year warranty or something?  And to know we only got one month to try where I ovulated and my hormone levels were good and that didn't work out is pretty sad too.  I had started to take the whole ovulating thing for granted, and now I don't know if we'll be able to get my body to ovulate again.  It's crazy how quickly things change.

On the other hand, I'm a little bit relieved.  It's not just because of the no more clomid thing either. Part of me really wants to see this journey come to an end, one way or another.  But that's a complicated bundle of emotions I'll unravel in another post (yes, I am trying to bribe myself to write another post).

In other news, my cramps have also gotten pretty bad the first day or two of my cycle. Like shooting from my lower back down to my knees bad. When I mentioned it to my doctor she said that, since she didn't find any endometriosis, it's probably from inflammation.  So she suggested I try going gluten free to see if it helps.  Yikes, that calls for a major diet overhaul (which lately has consisted mostly of fast food). But I think I might just give it a shot.  I'll be posting about it in the future if I do.

So, I guess I'll see you on the flip side, when we find out if the letrezole worked or if my ovaries have permanently gone on strike.

Why I Use NFP: For a Healthier Me

I think I've shared most of these details in other posts, but in honor of NFP Awareness Week, I thought I'd put the details together. So here's the story of how I came to use NFP.

First, in case you're wondering, NFP stands for Natural Family Planning, which is a way of determining a woman's fertility by keeping track of certain bio-markers.  There are various types, which use several different bio-markers and you can learn about them here.  I currently use the Creighton Model, which coordinates with NaPro Technology to assist in the treatment of health issues.  Ok, with that bit of knowledge, let's move along.

Also, my health background that factors in to this story. Pretty much when they started my cycles were irregular.  I bugged my mom to take me to doctors about it, but it took years before they took me seriously. Once they finally did, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), a hormonal disorder that causes all sorts of issues.  My doctors constantly pressured me to take birth control to treat it.  I refused every time, first because my mom was against it, but eventually on my own, as I learned about its dangers and health risks.  Even later I learned that it can make PCOS worse, and is contraindicated due to a genetic defect I have causing a high risk of clots, that no doctor who recommended birth control ever thought to test for.  Ok, on to the story (finally).

Growing up, I had heard a little bit about NFP.  In college, since I went to a small Catholic college, I learned more about it as friends started learning it before marriage. So you'd think I'd be somewhat knowledgeable at that point, but I didn't really retain much other than a passing awareness of it.

Like I've discussed in more detail here, my Husband and I met in law school and were engaged by my second year of it.  While we were preparing for marriage, my ob/gyn at the time told me that NFP wouldn't work for me because of the irregular cycles caused by PCOS. We also knew PCOS might cause it to be difficult for us to have children.  So we decided to start marriage just seeing when God would send us a child.

After about 6 month of marriage, I still wasn't pregnant, and I started to worry.  I heard about a secular book on NFP, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, using the sympto-thermal method (basically taking your temperature and watching some other bodily signals of fertility) that claimed it could help with conceiving.  So I started charting my temperatures to try to identify when I was fertile, but my charts were a mess and didn't make sense.  I knew something was wrong. However, the doctors I was seeing would dismiss my concerns, say everything was normal, or suggest I take birth control,because according to them there was no other treatment for PCOS and they thought I was too young or whatnot to be having children.

After about two years of marriage we finally decided to seek medical help and went to see a NaPro Technology doctor. Our first visit with her was awesome! She knew so much more about PCOS and treatments for it than any other doctor I had seen, which meant more than I could learn on google. She sent us to learn the Creighton Method of NFP to help out treatment.

So we started to train in the Creighton Method, and from the very beginning I was amazed at how much information my charts showed.  It helped us create a medical plan tailored to my specific issues.  I watched as things I had been told for years were normal were uncovered as problems and treated.  Even though my cycles have been and continue to be confusing (though they have gotten better over time) my instructor is there with me every step of the way to help me figure it out.  So not only can NFP work with my irregular cycles

Creighton also has given us tools to communicate about and strengthen our marriage. While it was difficult at first, it has been invaluable as we deal with the trials of infertility.

We continue to chart with Creighton and treat with NaPro, and I am still learning.  Even though we don't have children yet, I know so much more about my self.  I also feel, and have actual proof that I have become much healthier. My only regret is that I did not learn about NFP (and Creighton in particular) earlier.

It is so empowering to have so much information about your own body, to be able to gauge your health and advocate for yourself.  I still get upset about all the misinformation I was fed along the way, by many doctors, including very prestigious ones.  I believe NFP can be valuable to every woman.  Women deserve better than a one size fits all medical treatment and misinformation.

Cycle Review 8 + My Half-Surgiversary

Yep, I finally decided to write this up! It's been, oh, almost two weeks since my doctors appointment, but who's counting, right?  So, cycle recap for you: same old same old with the clomid 50 mgs for 5 days.  Only thing changed was swapping the progesterone pills for progesterone shots.  I noticed a few days of clomid moodiness, but not too bad (other than the day the moodiness coincided with an interview, ugh).  What with the job transitioning there was A LOT going on this cycle, and I really thought that might mess with ovulation, but my peak day actually came a day or two earlier than usual. That was unexpected, but helpful, because it meant I would actually be able to go to a doctor appointment before starting the new job.

 I talked about the first progesterone shot here, and the rest of them weren't that bad, there was only one that made me yelp, lol.  My butt cheeks were sore for a few days after each shot though, lol.  I did feel amazingly better post peak. My nausea and breast tenderness stayed away for the majority of my post peak, up until a few days before the end of my cycle. Yep, spoiler alert, no pregnancy resulted from the last cycle, not much of a surprise. I did have an annoyingly long post peak, probably due to my body getting used to the progesterone, but it was driving me crazy.

So, according to the doctor, lining was good, hormones were better than ever, and I ovulated from both ovaries again.  It was probably my best cycle since starting medical treatment.  The only negative was my cm was not awesome this time around again, though that may have been due in part to one of my supplements not shipping in time.  We also got results of a repeat test on the Hubs.  He did one a year ago and had made some changes since then so we were hoping for some improvement.  Unfortunately, things were pretty much the same, which isn't dismal but isn't great either. Now the Hubs gets to take more supplements and make some lifestyle changes of his own, muahahaha (what, is that mean of me to be happy I'm not the only one having to do things?).

So for the next cycle, well the current cycle now I guess, we're keeping with everything the same (except for the Hubs's changes).  I literally made the decision that I would go with the plan this morning.  I seriously considered taking a break this cycle, and really probably should have.  I was supposed to give my doctor a call about it and talk about the pros and cons, but didn't get a chance.  On top of that, although there were tons of factors telling me to take a break, in the end I couldn't get past the idea that things were just starting to even out and I didn't want to mess with that balance.  Since I didn't get a chance to talk to my doctor about whether a cycle off would mess things up, I didn't want to take that chance.  So I guess we'll see what happens

In other news, yesterday marked 6 months since my surgery.  I've been thinking about it a lot, and not quite sure where my feelings land on it.  It's true that things have gotten much better with my body post surgery.  Before surgery we couldn't get me to ovulate for anything, and now I've been ovulating every month! My hormones are getting better every cycle too.  That's awesome! On the other hand, I'm not one of those super success stories either.

I keep hearing stories about people who get the ovarian wedge resection then have natural perfect cycles thereafter and get pregnant without any help in a matter of weeks or months.  That's obviously not me.  I still need clomid to help me ovulate and progesterone because my body's not producing what it needs to on it's own.  And I don't know if it makes any sense, but I feel like the surgery started another count of 6 months of fertility focused intercourse that didn't work out, so its like I'm labeled as infertile all over again.  I don't know if it's been contributing to the funk or the funk contributing to the negative feelings, but either way it's not so great. I know I need to pull myself out of it and look on the bright side, hopefully I do that soon.

Here's hoping things are looking up with the next cycle review!

What A Pain In The...

Well... you get the idea.

As I mentioned before, we're only making one change this cycle, switching from oral progesterone to progesterone shots.  I have a little bit of a fear of needles, though I assume like my fear of blood draws, it'll diminish as I do them more regularly.  I was also a little apprehensive that I would take the shot at the wrong time.  Last cycle was weird, and I think I might have misidentified peak, so I was worried that would happen again.  Luckily, this cycle my peak was pretty clear, so I'm not very worried about the timing.

So... the day for my first shot was yesterday.  Fun stuff.  The Hubs took his role as shot giver pretty seriously.  He read and reread the instructions my doctor gave us, googled around for information, and watched a few videos on how to give shots.  I did a little bit of research too on how to prepare and what to do after to minimize the chance of pain, soreness, and knots.  The most common bits of advice I saw were to preheat the shot area (the butt), and after to heat it, massage it, and walk around a bit.  I had looked into this plenty of time before, so I got a heating pad with plenty of time to spare.

When the time for the shot came I got my butt nice and toasty. DH worked on prepping the shot and the shot area, lol, to which I tried not to pay much attention.  I will say, his drawing on my poor butt cheek to make sure he got the shot in the right place (which just felt like a scratch) hurt more than the actual shot did.  I didn't even notice when the Hubs actually did the shot, I asked him if he had done it yet and found out he had started like a minute ago! So I guess I didn't have much reason to be scared of the shot itself.  I did make sure I heated, walked around, and got several butt massages after, haha. The Hubs has been a pretty good sport with the last one :).

Today, the area is most definitely sore. not unbearably, just noticeable when I put weight on the area (though being my butt and all, that happens a lot).  There doesn't appear to be a welt or knot there though, I am glad about that.  It has gotten better over the day, but I have gotten the Hubs to agree to try taking longer to administer the shot.  He took exactly two minutes this time, which is what the doctor suggested, but I've heard slower is better.  I don't know if I've noticed a difference from the progesterone yet, though maybe a little less anxious, which is a good thing.  My new normal post peak nausea had started to set in yesterday before the shot, but I haven't noticed any today.  That and the breast tenderness usually set in between P+3 and P+6, so fingers crossed that they stay away, that would be awesome.  I'll guess we'll see what happens!

Cycle Review 7

I'm a few days late on getting this up, my appointment was Monday.  I don't know why I kept putting it off, but here it finally is.

As usual, I'm starting with a little recap of the cycle.  Another clomid cycle, same dose, same pretty much everything.  Only addition was amoxicillin for CM.  Amazingly, the clomid side effects seem to have disappeared.  At least I didn't notice them at all this cycle, yay.  The amoxicillin did it's job too, CM was much much better this cycle.  It was actually confusing for me, since every cycle has been different, I get confused identifying peak, but so far it seems like I've been doing an ok job.

I still played the "did I ovulate?" guessing game.  I had some ovulation pain, but it was on and off for a week, not the clear few days like last time.The CM was throwing me off, because it seemed close to what I usually have during anovulatory cycles, and there was only one dry day post peak. I did however end up with breast tenderness and, my favorite symptom, nausea.  I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but every cycle with a confirmed ovulation I get nauseated post peak, along with fatigue and hot flashes/night sweats, I'm really not loving it. No clue what is causing it, other than maybe my progesterone being low, or my body not being used to the hormone fluctuations of ovulation (don't think pregnancy, it shows up wayyy earlier than pregnancy symptoms possibly could, and the previous two cycles this happened I had negative pregnancy tests).

So, on to the appointment.  Blood tests showed my estrogen good, testosterone staying lower, but my progesterone low. The ultrasound showed that lining was good and confirmed ovulation!  Only one ovary this time though, lol.

The good news is that it looks like my body has finally decided to cooperate! Yay! Though I am kind of worried that we're getting close to the max number of clomid cycles, and I wonder what happens then?  I've been meaning to ask my doctor, but keep forgetting.  The bad news is that since the oral progesterone isn't doing its job, we're switching to progesterone shots, boo :(. I do not like shots, not at all, nope nope.  Though the Hubs is excited to be giving them, haha, that should be interesting.

So I guess I am again in the TWW.  I'm not really expecting anything though, again our timing was bad, my period is due any day, and I got a BFN on P+12.  So I'm really just waiting for the next cycle to start and to see what it brings.

Infertility Awareness Week: Seven Things I Wish I Knew Earlier

So, I've talked a lot about infertility this week.  I've got one last post before I'm done though.  I've done some thinking about what the experience of infertility has been for me over the last almost four years, and I've thought of some things I wish I had known earlier.  This may just be for my own satisfaction, but maybe it will reach someone earlier in their journey and help them out.  So here goes:

1. How Important NFP Would Be To Me

I've mentioned before, I was (very wrongly) informed that NFP would not work for me because  my cycles were irregular.  I heard this from my Catholic Ob/Gyn, who tried to push birth control at every visit. I heard it from friends who were practicing NFP themselves.  I was surrounded by a Catholic, NFP loving culture, and no one was able to tell me that NFP would work for me and could actually help me.  Granted it could have been that I wasn't listening or looking hard enough.  We didn't plan to avoid pregnancy, so I didn't see the point of learning NFP. Seems pretty silly looking back on it now.

Luckily, a few months into our marriage (when I was already getting impatient that we weren't pregnant yet) I found that the sympto-thermal method could help me track my crazy cycles. It took a couple more years before I learned about the creighton model system, and how it would show me so much more, and help my doctor with medical treatment.  I kind of want to sing its praises everywhere I go (and I kind of do).

2. That NaPro Technology Existed

Ok, this one is my fault.  Like I mentioned in my post on how I found NaPro, there were pretty big signs and breadcrumbs along the way letting me know about it... I just wasn't really paying attention. I mean, Dr. Hilgers spoke at my college graduation, I should've been highly aware of NaPro a way long time ago.  That would've been pretty nice too, I would have loved to have had a doctor who actually wanted to treat me and wouldn't even mention birth control earlier. At the very least, I am glad I found my doctor when I did, it has been life changing.  I know NaPro doesn't work for everyone, it hasn't even worked for me yet. But the knowledge and care of my doctor is so great, I would say it's 100% worth it, and then some.

3. To Take Comments With A Grain of Salt

I've mentioned before, I don't know any other people in real life currently struggling with infertility.  So a lot of people in my close circle of friends and family were pretty unaware of it, and what to do with or say to a person dealing with it.  That means I've heard a lot of insensitive comments, received a lot of unsolicited advice, and had some people just ignore the situation altogether.  I can't really fault them, before I dealt with infertility myself, I said some of those things you shouldn't say too.  Sometimes it's well meaning (which I try to assume), sometimes it's out of ignorance, and sometimes (though the minority I would say) it's just someone being malicious.  Some people will listen when you try to explain, some people will take some time to get there, and some people never will understand.  I wish I had known this earlier so I could've been more tough and not to let things effect me so much.

4. That There is a Supportive Community of Catholic (and Catholic Friendly) People

For the first three years of infertility I felt so alone.  I didn't know any one else in person dealing with it, and all the online communities I found were secular, with people touting IVF and other Artificial Reproductive Technology treatments all the time.  I remember when one of the bloggers I followed, after years of struggling with infertility, got pregnant with multiples through IVF, and then "selectively reduced" all but one, because she only wanted one child.  That was heartbreaking for me.  I ran away from that online community and never (well maybe only occasionally) looked back. Years later, when I was googling NaPro treatment, I found some catholic (and Catholic friendly) bloggers! And that led me to the Facebook group mentioned in this post.  It's such a beautiful and vibrant community, that is so supportive and full of faith.  I'm so much better for having found them all.  My only regret is that I didn't find them sooner. So seriously, if you've stumbled across this blog and are feeling alone, email me and I can provide you with information about it.  No one should be alone in this journey.

5.  That It Would Change Me (Both In Good Ways and In Bad)

For a long time I tried to avoid dealing with infertility and facing the emotions it caused, but eventually I had no choice, and that experience has changed the very person I am.  I fought against that change for a long time, but the fact is, change is inevitable.  Some of the changes have been negative: I am much more emotional (sometimes at the wrong times), I struggle with envy and anger more than I ever had before, and I have to fight against secluding myself in my own little bubble so that nothing offensive will reach me.  But there have been good changes too:  I'm less judgmental, more compassionate, more open about my feelings (yes, this goes on both lists).  I'm sure as this journey goes on I'll keep changing. It's a part of who I am and I just have to accept that.

6. That It Would Effect My Marriage

Infertility is hard on a marriage.  You can be sad, angry, confused, and hurting.  You are vulnerable, and sometimes it's hard to let another person see that side of you all of the time, at least it is for me.  I used to pride myself on being independent and reason based, and it was hard for me to face the fact that wasn't true all the time, that I might need someone else, and that sometimes my emotions get the best of me.  Sometimes in my frustration I have lashed out, sometimes our communication fails, and sometimes issues take months or years to work through.  But just trying to work through them makes us stronger.  And having the support of each other down this road has been invaluable.  My husband drying my tears when I cry, listening to me when I need to vent, being patient when the meds make me a crazy person, and even charting every night to take some of the stress off of me, makes me love him so much more than I could have imagined before.

7. That It Would Effect My Relationship With God

This has probably been the biggest effect of infertility.  I am a cradle catholic, born and raised in a catholic culture going to catholic school by fervent parents my whole life.  I knew the faith, and followed it, but sometime after college I lost my passion, I lost dedication to it.  I put my relationship with God on the backburner.  I went to Mass on Sundays, confession a couple times a year... and that was about it.  I didn't even pray often at all. I knew it wasn't right to make it such a low priority, but I had so much else going on.

Then the realization that we were infertile hit, though it was a little bit at a time. Somewhere in there I think there was a choice, be angry and bitter at God and reject Him, or cling to Him with all that I have because I knew I couldn't get through this alone.  Luckily, I was given the grace to go with the latter.  It's undeniable that this experience has tested my faith beyond measure, but also grown it beyond measure. Yes, I still get angry, I still struggle, I still ask why, but I try to trust and I try to accept (and keep failing and trying over and over again).  I still have a long way to go and a lot more I could do, but at least I'm trying.  My prayer life could always use work, but it's there, it's exists, and it's a daily thing! I pray the rosary along with a CD on the way to work almost every morning, which is kind of hilarious.  As a kid my Mom would always play rosary CDs and I hated it.  How dare I be forced to pray! My sister was shocked when she learned I had my own now, lol.  God works in mysterious ways and through mysterious things I guess.

________________________________________________________

So there you have it, those are the things I could think of that I wish I knew about sooner.  Anything you can think of?  Thank you for following along this week!  

When God Says No

Wrestling with God's will is something I've been doing a lot of lately, both with trying to figure it out and trying to accept what He's given me (probably something I'll always struggle with).  I've been thinking about how listening to Him is a lot easier when He shows his will through yeses and open doors.  That's how He worked with me most of the time, for most of my life, up until recently really.  When there was something I clearly needed to do, the doors would swing wide open, with neon signs lighting the way.  Where to go to college, where to go to law school, who to marry, where to work, all brightly lit open doors.

One of my favorite examples is our story, it was one thing after another that brought the Hubs and I together.  Another is how I chose law school.  I applied on the very last day, to only one law school, and it was a long shot considering my average gpa and lsat score. Yet I got in, got a scholarship on top of that, and really excelled once I started.  I felt deep down in my heart that it was what I was meant to do.  I took for granted how easy it all was.

Lately, instead of yeses I've been getting nos, and lots of them.  The most spectacular example is in regards to a job I was interviewing for lately.  Everything was smooth sailing, I was onto the third interview, references checked, everything teed up for the move.  I wasn't sure if it was the right choice, but I knew I would take it regardless. So I asked God to throw up barriers if this wasn't the job I was supposed to take, and the barriers came pouring down.  The final step was one last phone interview... which was cancelled 8 times over two weeks.  I asked my contact if this was happening to everyone. "No, just to you" was her reply.  Finally, the day before yet another rescheduled call, I was informed that the position had been filled (there were three available positions when this all started).  

Clearly, that job was not meant to be, as much as I really would have liked the move (and the pay). I don't know why, all I know is that He said no.  And that's been the interviewing process all along, one no after another, four months in a row, exhausting.  The problem is, the same thing keeps happening at my current job, every time I ask for something that would make it more livable, and that would make it easier to pay my bills, the answer is no. I don't get it.

That's obviously been the answer in our infertility journey so far as well.  Every new cycle feels like another no, or at the very least, not now.  I've even asked for clarity, over and over again, if no to this, then what do you want, what are we supposed to do?  But I don't feel like there's been a clear answer yet, or maybe I'm not listening.  I once felt certain that medical treatment was the right road for us, and that God had led us to this doctor, and I guess I still do, but what's the point if the answer is always going to be no?

Its hard to wait, and accept no as the answer over and over again. I try to trust, I do, but its hard.  People say that when God closes a door he opens a window, but I don't see the window yet, just one closing door after another. 

I was thinking about it the other day, and wondering if I'm just kind of on hold, waiting for the right pieces to fall into place.  Perhaps other people need to do other things for my puzzle to come together, if that makes any sense.  Like dating, in a way I guess.  

I remember when I was single how upset I was that no one had come along, how sad each failed romantic endeavor was.  Oh the stories I could tell you about some of the breakups, or failures to even get off the ground.  I went to a small catholic college, a lot of people met there and married right after graduation (sometimes even before).  Watching everyone couple up, I felt passed by, alone.  Looking back it makes sense.  There was no way the Hubs and I were going to run into each other earlier, being from two opposite sides of the country.  The timing was just right.  Everything fell into place, and it took all the previous nos to get there.  But looking forward without knowing what the future held was painful.

I suppose that is similar to the situation I'm in now.  The difference is, that was one part of my life, I still was able to move forward in other areas, like school.  Right now it just feels like everything is on hold, I'm waiting to move forward in so many areas of my life, and I've been unable to do anything about it.  Its a frustrating situation.

 Maybe someday I'll look back and it'll all make sense.  Maybe I'll see how God perfectly lined everything up.  Right now, its just feeling like a lot of doors slammed in my face, which is painful.  I hope one day I'll be able to say it was all worth it.

Cycle Review 6

Well, its that time again.  I had my follow up with Dr. S today for the last month's cycle review.  But first, a recap of this cycle so far.  This was another clomid cycle, same dose, just for a couple more days.  Everything else was the same except for adding back a supplement and I was supposed to add in a fertility massage too, but forgot (and/or didn't believe the premise so didn't want to spend my money on it). Hey, I'm usually a pretty good patient (nowadays at least), so a one time lapse isn't so bad. I will try to remember to do it next cycle.

This cycle, emotionally at least, wasn't as bad as the last. I got a little emotional and had a few bad days, but nothing like the full week from last time.  My cycle itself was weird though.  The clomid seriously dried my cm up up, even with being on like ALL the mucus enhancers, so I had a record high of 5 green days this cycle.  Seriously, never heard of.  With that, my fertile window was down to two days.  Not  a great thing.

Before the appointment, I wasn't sure whether or not I ovulated, there were some symptoms indicating either scenario:

In the "maybe I ovulated?" category: I did have some sort of build up, rather than just peak type mucus on and off the whole cycle.  I also had  some cramping in the general what-I-assume-is-ovary area a couple days before peak day that let up completely on peak day itself.

 In the "there's no way I ovulated" category: there was no L this cycle at all and my CM didn't dry up right away after peak, both of which are usual for me, but different than the one with the confirmed ovulation.

In the "I'm so confused" category: I didn't have breast tenderness right after peak (again, happened in ovulation cycle, and previous times before Creighton that I suspected I ovulated), but it did show up around p+6, so I had no clue what that meant, just a side effect from the progesterone maybe?  I'm breaking out like crazy, possible sign of my testosterone getting even higher (most likely, and would point to no ovulation), or maybe something else going on with my hormones?  Also, the clomid side effects, the dryness is new but could totally be blamed on the clomid, and the lack of side effects is more similar to my ovulation cycle than my last non-ovulatory cycle, but I still did have some, which means absolutely nothing really, but still confused me. Basically, anything I'm used to made me think I didn't ovulate, and anything out of the ordinary made me think something is going on with my hormones, so maybe  I did ovulate.  Yes, I way over-analyze everything.

Also getting to me was the liturgical timing of my cycle (Ah, things only an infertile Catholic would say).  I'm trying not to be superstitious, I really am, but I couldn't help look at the timing of my cycle and the feast days the fell during it and wonder if it was a sign of something, or if the extra prayers could help at least. Our St. Joseph's Novena and St. Joseph's day fell pre-peak. It looked like ahead of time that my peak day would fall between the annunciation and palm sunday, and it ended up being the day after the annunciation. And then P+10 fell on Easter.  P+10 is the earliest day my next cycle could start, as my post peak last cycle was only 9 days (the latest it could be based on my wonky cycles is next Sunday), and the earliest I could possibly get a positive pregnancy test (so of course I took a pregnancy test on Easter which of course was negative, ugh).  And of course, almost the whole cycle took place during lent but it's ending in the Easter season, so... who knows.

On to the doctor's appointment, finally.  First of all, my hormone levels were good, better than ever actually (except for testosterone, the number wasn't in yet). But we still had to do the ultrasound to confirm.  First we checked my right side and after what was probably a few seconds but seemed like eternity, Dr. S announced that she saw a corpus luteum.  Last time I ovulated it was out of my right side too, so I joked that it's just my left side that doesn't like working.  She said "well, we'll see." And then proceeded to check out the left side.  I was waiting to hear that there wasn't anything there, or maybe some cysts, instead she found a corpus luteum there too!  So in case all this gibberish doesn't mean anything to you, my doctor confirmed ovulation, and from both ovaries.  What!  As for the new plan, since apparently the Clomid is working with my body now, we're gonna go ahead with it for another cycle, and just add another mucus enhancer for the drying out issue. And that was it, appointment done.

You guys, in my heart I was so sure that this medicine, this cycle wasn't going to work, I had already counted us out.  I even wanted the Hubs to come along on the appointment so he could be there as we discussed our remaining options.  To his credit, he usually tries to be there anyways, but it does get difficult to take a half day off of work and drive the hour and a half drive there and back, though he wouldn't complaint.  Although he did come along for this appointment, the poor guy waited in the waiting room during the ultrasound, and since we did most of the talking during or right after it, he didn't even get to participate in the appointment.

It's still blowing my mind that instead of being out, we're actually in our first two week wait ever.  For the first confirmed ovulation, our timing was really bad, so I didn't even consider pregnancy possible.  But this time (and for pretty much the first time) our timing was really good.  And there were two eggs available! Ahhh!  We freaked out in the car a little bit at the what ifs, and what would we dos.  We've been trying for over three and a half years, and this is the first time there was a confirmed chance.  Crazy!

That being said, I'm really trying not to get my hopes too far up.  Like I said, I already got a negative pregnancy test yesterday, and with the wonkiness of my cycles, my period can't even really be considered late until next Monday.  I have started cramping too, and getting some stretchy cm, which is usually a sign of impending period, so I just  keep trying to remind myself of that.  In the meantime, I'm just going to be sitting over here, celebrating my crazy double ovulation and trying not to symptom spot, don't mind me.

*ETA* I wrote an update post here, but in case you don't want to click over, we're onto the next cycle now.

Cycle Review 5

I can't believe its already that time again.  For a quick recap, I did everything the same as last cycle, except upped the clomid dose to 50 mgs and didn't take biaxin.  The cycle went okay.  I did get side effecty from the clomid again, I think I cried at least once a day for seven days in a row, but that's actually better than the last time I was on this dose (believe it or not), so I can't really complain.  I had a long pre-peak phase, and a short post-peak phase, so the opposite of last cycle.  I noticed that this cycle seemed to be pretty similar to all my anovulatory cycles, so I wasn't getting my hopes up.

My doctor's appointment today confirmed that this cycle was anovulatory.  My doctor is a little surprised at how resistant my body is being to clomid, even after the surgery.  My estrogen and progesterone are both low, and my testosterone is still high.  Oh, and my next cycle started already today, making my postpeak the shortest its been since July of last year.  Ugh.  Though in good news, my insulin level has come down to normal. We had added a couple new supplements this cycle (I really have to get that list up on here) and I think they might've done the trick.  I just wish that was having some positive effect on the rest of it. The doctor thinks we should give clomid one more shot then move on to a different treatment, but we aren't sure if we can do that (it's a more expensive route).  My doctor did say she was open to trying out letrezole again too, though she doesn't seem to think it will work.

I was pretty upset after the appointment, and for most of the rest of the day, though I'm starting to calm down now.  My mind made the jump from this cycle not working, to the next one not working, to surely we'd be out of options and at the end of the road.  I am realizing that I can't jump to that conclusion yet, and have to wait and let things play out as they will.  I've decided (for now at least) that even if the medicine fails for now, I can take some time off treatment to focus on losing weight, and then try again if I get my weight within healthy range.  That is somewhat comforting to me at least.

I am still worried that I'm in the relatively small percentage of people whose bodies don't respond to the surgery, but I guess it is too soon to know if that's true yet.  So far I've had one unknown (recovering from surgery), one good, and one bad cycle, that doesn't really say anything.  I'm mostly worried because of something somewhat silly. After I had the surgery, I have prayed that, if the surgery wasn't going to work, God be merciful and not give us false hope. I was feeling like not ovulating this cycle was God's way of letting me know things aren't going to work out, but I can't really make that call right now.

So we'll see how the next cycle goes.  If by some miracle my body decides to respond, maybe things won't be as bad as I think they are now.  If not... well we'll cross that road when we get there.

Houston, We (Might) Have A Problem

It looks like I might have celebrated just a bit too soon on all the ovulation talk :(.  There may have been some problem with it, so maybe its a little premature to be calling it a success.

As of today, its been 19 days since my peak day, and AF has finally started this afternoon. My post-peak phase (also known as luteal phase) was around 8-9 days when I first started charting last year, which is on the short side, not a good thing.  Once I started post peak progesterone support, last July I think, it slowly lengthened a day or two a cycle until it made it to 13 days, where its stayed.  I figured this cycle might be different what with the "ovulation" and all, but I started to worry once I hit P+15. Although I have been PMSing since P+7, there was really no sign of AF, like the spotting or cramping I usually get, up until late yesterday, which was seriously stressing me out.  I even called my doctor yesterday to see if there was any possible explanation, or anything I could do, and I was just told to wait another week to see what happened.

At least one thing that gave me some amount of peace was knowing that pregnancy wasn't likely possible.  Like I mentioned before, our timing was pretty off, so I wasn't expecting anything.  Unfortunately, that didn't stop me from taking pregnancy tests just in case, which were all negative of course (getting negative tests, even when I'm expecting them, is never fun). I even went out and bought one of those fancy first response tests in case my cheapies that I bought in bulk three years ago had gone bad. Those things have gotten so expensive! Or maybe I just forgot what they cost 3 years ago.  $20 for 2 tests seemed insane to me!  I could've gotten some for cheaper I guess, but all the cheaper ones were blue dye tests, and I avoid those like the plague ever since I got a false positive on one :(.

Anyways, I digress.  According to the Creighton manual, a post-peak 17 days or longer can indicate a problem.  Possible cause of a long post-peak phase, besides pregnancy of course, is lutenized unruptured follicle syndrome (LUFS), multiple ovulation, and misidentification of peak day.  Considering the ultrasound only picked up one corpus luteum, I think that rules out multiple ovulation, and even if I misidentified the peak day, I don't think I couldn't have been off by enough to account for my period being five days late.  So, in my head, the most likely candidate is LUFS, which kind of scares me.

If it is the case, I've read that it can be caused by NSAIDs, which is kind of what I hope caused it, that was the problem.  I'll confess, even though I knew of the possibility, I went a little heavy on the NSAIDs at the beginning of the cycle. My last period was super painful, and I couldn't make it without pain meds.  I also started the LDN at the beginning of the cycle, and took Excedrin (NSAID) for the first week, what with all the headaches is gave me.  But at least that problem would be easily correctable by not taking NSAIDs this time around. The idea of having LUFS being my newest problem, not just cause by NSAIDs, is something really daunting to me, but I don't really want to even think about it yet.

Its also true that my surgery was still pretty recent, the doctor did say it could take a few months for things to work right.  Also, as the Hubs stated, its my body's first time (that we know of) ovulating, I need to give it a break, haha.  All that is basically, me trying to reassure myself that I don't now have another problem I need to worry about, ugh.

All that said, those extra few days were pretty rough.  I felt pretty defeated.  I was so happy things were working, just to feel like I had the rug pulled out from under me. Now all I can do is wait and see how the next cycle goes.  I'm just so happy its finally here.

7QT: Random Happenings Around Here

I haven't joined in on Seven Quick Takes in a while, and I really wanted to.  Problem is, I don't really have like some interesting, overarching theme to talk about.  So, you just get a random amalgamation of what's been going on around here, lucky you!

-1-

Ok, first of all, lets talk about the super bowl.  We kind of had a super bowl party.  And by kind of, I mean it was just me and the Hubs.  But we got chips, dip, pizza, soda, and beer (all things that are usually not stocked in our house) and had a good time watching the game commercials.  No leaving the house, no dealing with awkward small talk, and I got to watch in my pajamas... it may have been my favorite super bowl so far :).

-2-

I found out on Monday that I ovulated this cycle!!  I know I've already talked about it, but it really is the most exciting thing to happen around these parts in a while!  I'm still super psyched about it :).  In case you're new around here, check out the Infertility Journey page to see why this is a pretty big deal.

-3-

At the same doctor's appointment, I got a new handout of advice.  I love my doctor because she seems like she's always on top of things.  She said this handout was based on the latest research, so cool. Along with suggesting a bunch of new supplements, it also suggested that I avoid BPA and Phthalates.  I have to confess, I've never really been "crunchy".  I have nothing against it, it just seems like a lot of work and I'm lazy.  But now I kinda have to try.

You guys, I had no idea how much stuff BPA and Phthalates are in!  I got some new, more natural shampoo, conditioner, body and face wash, to try to avoid all that stuff and all.  I tried them all out today, and I'm not sure I love them yet.  One the positive side, my hair looked great, on the negative, it didn't feel great, and it all smells like baby powder, not like the advertised scent.  So the jury's still out on it, I guess we'll see.  Anyone else have favorite natural products?

-4-

Along the same vein, one of my newer medications is giving me vivid dreams.  While its a good thing that the dreams aren't scary or upsetting usually, they're not really particularly interesting.  For example, last night I dreamed about getting laid off at work (in a mostly non-dramatic way) and applying for new jobs.  A few nights before I dreamed about vacuuming .  Yep, you read that right.  Hours of vacuuming, emptying the vacuum, and then continuing with the vacuuming.  I tell you, my subconscious knows how to party. I can't wait to find out what's next, sweeping? doing the laundry?

-5-

Speaking of jobs, the poor Hubs is not only working, but has been busy studying for a couple important tests lately (please send up some prayers for him if you can).  I really appreciate what he's doing, and know its gotta be so tough. I really shouldn't even be whining about it, but I miss him!  What it means is I see him while we get ready in the morning, for the half hour or so when we eat dinner, and mayyybe for a little bit before I fall asleep, if I don't fall asleep too early.  And I'm so bored without him to hang out with!  I forget how lucky I am to have such a awesome hubs that I have so much fun with sometimes, at least this is a good reminder.  Also, I need someone else to take up some of the dogs' attention, I love them, but sometimes they drive me crazy.  One of them kept waking up wanting to play (fetch, of course), and kept it up for almost a whole hour last night.  Crazy dog!

-6-

I still haven't taken the plunge on a diet (as if that wasn't clear from the first take) but I think I'm leaning towards weight watchers.  They have a promotion where your fees for two months will be reimbursed if you manage to lose 10 pounds during them, which is totally (possibly) doable.  The promotion ends valentine's day, so that gives me some motivation to get started.

I had a humiliating run in with the ghost of weight watchers past this week though.   I was ordering lunch at a new restaurant and, not knowing the portion sizes, ordered two things.  Turned out I ordered enough to last me at least three lunches.  Oh, and right behind me while I was ordering was my old weight watchers leader. So yea, humiliating, especially since I've gained like 40 lbs since I last saw her :(.  Oh well, more motivation, right?

-7-

This story, about the husband who's wife divorced him because he wanted to keep their son, who they found out after he was born has down syndrome, has been on my mind.  Its so heart breaking, yet heart warming that so many people have rallied around baby Leo.  It also makes me think of the children have not been so fortunate. They will all be in my prayers.

---

Thanks for stopping by!  Head over to Kelly's at This Ain't The Lyceum for more!

First Post Surgery Cycle Review (Cycle Review 4)

So, this cycle I picked back up on all the supplements  (I should make a list of them but I'm just too lazy) and added in 25 mg of Clomid on cycle days 4, 5, and 6, started Low Dose Naltrexone, 7 days of Biaxin for the brown bleeding, and, as always, continued with post peak progesterone (200m orally twice a day).  I have to admit, I was not really looking forward to the meds, and wasn't very hopeful at the outset.  Thank you to all the commenters on the post before the cycle started for giving me the pep talk I needed to stick with the plan.

Things went much better than expected.  I noticed the difference from the Biaxin right away, no brown bleeding, yay!  I didn't notice any side effects from the clomid really either. The first time I took it I had hot flashes, night sweats, and mood swings, but this time I didn't notice any of the first two.  I did get a little irritable for a few days, but nothing like before, and no depression/crying/breakdowns, so I'd say that's a major improvement.  It may have been due in part to the other new addition, the Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN).

I'm not going to lie, my first week on that stuff was awful.  I was fatigued, nauseated, and had headaches all the time for nearly the whole week.  I was not a happy camper or fun to be around, and nearly useless at work.  Luckily, it magically cleared up right around day 6 or 7, and I've been mostly great since.  The only lasting side effects are some headaches here and there (I never got them before, so I think the LDN is the cause) and waking up in the middle of the night.  The first two weeks on the LDN I woke up every single night between 2 and 4:30 AM.  Its tapered off since then, but still happens once or twice a week.  Hopefully it'll taper off completely soon.  On the plus side, I've noticed my mood has brightened up a lot, so much so that those around me have noticed too.  I don't feel overly cheery, I'll always be somewhat on the Eeyore scale of personalities, lol , but at least I feel like myself again.  I missed that, and I was worried that I'd never feel like that again.

I definitely noticed a difference in this cycle.  (TMI warning, mucus discussion ahead, lol). The fertile type of cm started up right at the end of AF, including lots of lubrication and some even some clear, both of which I rarely see.  I was totally confused, considering I usually peak around day 18 or after.  I totally wasn't expecting to peak on CD 12!  Oh, and post peak I even had a dry day!  The last one I had was back in July, so that was pretty exciting for me and my annoying continuous mucus cycles. I also noticed my PMS symptoms (my tell tale sign is wanting to cry at country songs, lol) didn't pick up until a week after peak, compared to how it had been starting right after, so another good thing!  All of this had me thinking I might have actually ovulated, but I didn't want to get my hopes up...

Well, today I had my follow up and...drum roll please... the doctor was able to confirm that I ovulated!!!!!  Seriously, you have no idea how hard it was for me to not put that at the top of the post!  Dr. S said she saw a good looking corpus luteum in the ultrasound! Totally made that discomfort worth it, yay!  First confirmed ovulation ever, and since I started all the treatment! I'm so happy about it!  She also said my lining looked good.  My progesterone and estrogen were way better than before, but still low.  So next round we're going to up the Clomid to 50 mgs, here's hoping the side effects keep themselves to a minimum.

I don't think pregnancy is even a possibility this cycle.  Our timing was really bad, partially because I wasn't expecting peak so early and was confused about the CM, and the rest just because of life getting in the way.  That combined with the low hormones, and I really don't have any expectations.  I'm actually pretty at peace with it, which is a grace from God because I definitely wouldn't normally be ok with it at all.  I'm glad I get to be happy about the ovulation without any added pressure of stress of whether I'm pregnant.

At the same time, I keep trying to talk myself down.  What if what the doctor thought was a corpus luteum was actually just a new cyst? Or what if it's only a one time thing and my ovaries decide to stop cooperating?  Ugh, I need to get out of my head on this.  I think I'm just going to go ahead and be cautiously optimistic about what the next cycle will bring.

The Culture of Death & Infertility

This week is the 42nd anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision that originally made abortion legal in the US.  There are many pro-life events going on around the country, which has gotten me thinking that I'd like to add my two cents.  You might ask, what does abortion have to do with infertility?  A little more than you might think at first, both directly, and in the broader cultural sense.

I first got thinking about all of this after a couple conversations with some coworkers last week.  It started with some coworkers asking me more about my medical treatment.  I usually give people at work a heads up about my being on meds that make me crazy (its a small office of 5 people, I feel like they deserve a warning, lol).  Other than that though, I usually don't talk in much detail about my treatment.  So, today a couple of them started asking me about my treatments, and PCOS, and all of  that fun stuff.

One of them asked me (again) why I won't just use IVF.  Before, I've just given her a short answer, that its against my morals.  In that conversation (possibly because the meds are kicking in and I'm losing my filter) I answered a little differently. I told her I didn't want to be involved in that killing.  She asked me what killing?  And I explained to her how first a whole bunch of embryos are created, who are then tested, and then the genetically "undesirable" embryos are "discarded".  Then some are selected to attempt to implant, and the rest are either frozen, or "discarded" as well.  Some may implant, some may not. If too many implant, the "excess" embryos are "selectively terminated."  All that nice and clean language to cover up the reality of all the killing.  That is a business I don't want to be involved in.  Its so sad, so heartbreaking to me.

One of the hardest parts of it for me to understand is that, I would guess in the majority of IVF situations, its people dealing with infertility that are undergoing these procedures.  People who have likely struggled for years hoping for a child, for a new life.  Then, once they are given those lives, they just discard so many of them?  Those of us with infertility should be the most sensitive to, and the most protective of life.  We shouldn't be leading to the senseless destruction of it.  I guess you could argue that there are different beliefs as to when life begins, or that people aren't educated, or instructed.  Maybe in some cases there is true ignorance?  Or  maybe its just the shiny promises of IVF, the promise of a perfect healthy child, after all the struggling, they just close their eyes and don't think of the actions required to reach that end? I don't know. But I think those mindsets are what led to the situation in the next conversation.

My coworker went on to tell me an awful story about some people she knows.  An infertile couple went to great lengths to secure a surrogate, an then have the surrogate become pregnant with their child. Around 36 weeks they discovered that something might be wrong with the baby, not even full confirmation that something was, but just that something might.  The couple had the child surrendered at the hospital when he or she was born.  They didn't want him or her solely because of the possibility of something was wrong, and so they abandoned the poor child.  Not that I believe there is any difference between the life of an embryo and a baby that has been born, but I mean, regardless of any one's religious, moral, political, or any other views, there is no question to the life of a child at 36 weeks, or that has been born.  There is no possible shade of gray there.  And yet, the same people who went to such great lengths to bring this life into being, had the child abandoned, without even so much arranging for his or her medical care.  It breaks my heart.  And it broke my heart that my coworker didn't think to tell me about this situation while it was occurring, I so would've wanted to help that baby if I could have. And I know this is not a singular occurrence, we've all heard similar stories in the news, like the Australian couple who left a twin with down syndrome in Taiwan with the surrogate, while taking the "healthy" twin home.  How devastating.

When I started writing this post, I really couldn't understand how our culture has created an environment where these things are considered okay.  I couldn't understand how we, as a culture, could really be that self-serving and heartless?

But it dawned on me, exactly where it comes from. It comes from the same root of abortion, the belief that we, humans, have the ability to decide what is life and what isn't.  That we have the right to decide and choose to create or end lives that we think we do or do not deserve, when they are or aren't convenient for us.  The very view that someone "deserves" to have a child, a perfect child, that leads to IVF, is the same view that leads to the abandoning a child that you brought into existence because you think he or she is not perfect enough.  When children are viewed as commodities rather than the gifts that they are, it is a dangerous, slippery slope. (Which has of course been said by the church many times, much more eloquently than I am saying here, such as in the Catechism 2372-2393, and in Donum Vitae).

I think those of us with infertility have the ability to make a difference.  We are faced with so much darkness, so much pain.  We can choose to let it drag us down below our own dignity, and to deny the dignity, and right to exist, of other human beings.  Or we have the chance to witness to the true dignity and preciousness of life, to treat it with the care and reverence it deserves.

What that means to each couple facing infertility might be different.  Whether it means to seek out treatment that does not violate other humans, to adopt or foster, to accept the journey of infertility wherever it might lead, that is up to them to discern. What it does not mean is to be complicit in the devaluation and destruction of life.

For my part, I'm so glad there is NaPro.  I'm so glad I have options that don't cross these moral boundaries, and for doctors that don't push me to make such decisions.  I only wish more people knew about it.  Maybe if they did, less people would feel backed into choices that require such disregard for the very thing they are trying to create.  All I know is that I'm trying to do my part, one person (and post) at a time.

Last 2014 Appointment and the New Plan

Yesterday we had our last doctor's appointment of 2014!  Woo hoo!  Anyone else excited with me on this? lol.  It was my post surgery review and appointment to figure out our plan going forward.

First, really quick about the surgery, everything was pretty much the same as I heard after surgery.  The one new bit of information was that the uterine and ovarian biopsies came back clean, so yay there.   She said other than the ovaries being all cysty, everything looked great.  Then we got to watch the surgery video... fun.  I was actually surprised by how much of it I was able to watch.  I really only looked away when things were too bloody, like when my ovaries were being cut into.... ick.  Other than that, it was kinda cool seeing everything, I even got a peek at my appendix, lol.  She checked out my incisions. One of them isn't healing so quickly and looks a little infected, so I get to do a round of antibiotics for that, though the rest of them are healing nicely.  Oh, and just a little update on my end, I was off the narcotics by a week after surgery, and finally was able to wean myself off the minor pain killers, Motrin and Excedrin, by last Friday, so only a little after two weeks after.  

Onto the plan moving forward.  Dr.S wants to jump right in with Clomid next cycle.  Granted we're starting again at a low dose, 25 mgs. Dr. S also wants to add Low Dose Naltrexone, which was surprising to me.  She hadn't mentioned it before, and although I had heard of it before, I hadn't thought it applied to my situation.  According to Dr. S though, it can help with insulin resistance and ovulation, so I guess we'll see if it helps.  As for the TEBB, since the uterine culture came back negative, we haven't found a cause for it.  Dr. S mentioned it could be inflammation, but it seems unlikely because everything looked good during the surgery, so... go figure.  Regardless, we're going to try another round of antibiotics and see what happens.  If you're keeping track, that's two different rounds of antibiotics, so fun.  As for supplements, we're going to keep going with the same as before.  I guess its time to get the pill box ready again.  I can't say I missed it in the last couple months.

I have to admit, I didn't think we were going to jump right in to the meds again so quickly.  The Hubs was surprised too.  I think we both were expecting a longer break, for the sake of the mental health of both of us, lol.  I think my hormones have been acting up too, I've been... a little emotionally unstable the last couple days... I'm not quite sure what that's all about.  Also, I had hoped I would see some difference in my charts after the surgery, but they look the same as before.  I'm just not feeling very hopeful about it all.  Even though its only been 3 weeks since surgery, and Dr. S mentioned that it can take up to 3 months after surgery for the ovaries to completely heal, I guess I was hoping for some quicker effect.  So, with all of that combined, last night I had a little bit of a break down.

Considering all of that, we're not sure I'm actually going to start with the meds next cycle.  I just don't know if I'm ready for it, especially since Clomid tends to make me sad. I think I'm just going to see how I feel the next couple weeks and decide once the next cycle starts.  Yep, I'll push the decisions off till next year :).

This might be my last post before then, new years eve plans and all, so I'll see you on the flipside :).

Recovery Recap and Some Lessons Learned

I know, there have been far too many posts about the surgery.  Sorry if they've gotten boring.  Feel free ignore and catch up next time.

So first of all, just a little recap of the recovery process so far:

Recovery Recap

By far, the absolutely worse part of recovery was the ride home from the hospital.  It started out fine, but around halfway through, some combination of a bumpy road, the pain meds wearing off, and my mom being in a hurry to get me home, combined into... ouch.  I was in excruciating pain, every start, stop, and bump just hurt so much.  I was in tears, pillow in one hand, rosary squeezed in the other for like the last 15 minutes of the trip.  When we finally got back to my parents' house (I stayed there because I could be on the bottom floor), the scene was kind of comical.  I was greeted by my dad and sister at the car. I don’t think they were expecting me to be in such bad shape.   I was hunched over in pain, and shuffled my way to my room, followed by an entourage of four people who were kind of helpless to do anything.   I laid down for a bit and finally started to feel better.  The Hubs was off to the drugstore to pick up my pain meds.  Once I got those I was fine J.

I relaxed the rest of the day, was fed jello and pain killers lol.  I guess I had too much liquid, I was up almost every hour that night having to go to the bathroom.  I felt sooo much better the next day though.  The Hubs had to keep me from getting up by myself and walking around too much.  Actually, that's pretty much been how the recovery has gone, I want to wander around, the Hubs tries (and mostly fails) to keep me from doing too much, I get tired and sore and admit to the Hubs that he was right, and pop some pain killers.  It was easier for him to keep me from doing things when I hadn't figured out how to get up without using my abs (because ouch) but now I've figure out workarounds, and the diminishing soreness helps.  I've been working on tapering off the pain meds, and hoping to be done with the narcotics today or tomorrow.  I go long stretches without any, but the pain creeps back up again.

Staying at my parents' house turned out to be perfect for recovery.  It has wide, straight hallways, making it easy for a recovering person to shuffle around.  There's lots of furniture around, meaning sufficient things to hold onto or sit on if needed.  And my shower had a handle and a seat, perfect for if I got to tired. We stayed in my old room, which was kinda fun, thought it meant more of the 50s lifestyle. My old room has two built in twin beds so we couldn't even push them together.  I didn't mind though, it meant I had my own space, tossing and turning was more difficult, and my bed was comfy and low, so it was easy to get in and out of.  The one negative was that my parents have started to use it for storage.  Stored right at the foot of my bed was my nephew's high chair.  I couldn’t really handle that, and eventually had my sister move it to the closet.

So anyways, yesterday I was feeling good enough for the car ride home, so after staying two days longer than we had planned, we headed home.  Its nice to be back on my couch (yes I love my couch) and have internet back.  Its also nice to be able to cuddle my dogs again :).  While we were at my parents, they were stuck outside.  They are so not outside dogs, the first thing they did back home was cuddle up on top of pillows, lol, rough life that they have.

Anyways that's my recovery so far.  On to the little bit of knowledge I've gained.  

Things I've Learned

I'd call these these tips, but they aren't really handy, just some pieces of advice from my experiences. If you need laparoscopy tips head over here.  I know I've mentioned it a few times, but it really is great. So, here are things I wanted to pass along:

1. Recovery might not go as expected

I really thought that the recovery would be a lot of sleeping and movie watching and that's about it.  Things have been a little bit different than that.  The pain meds had the opposite effect on me from what I expected.  Instead of making me sleepy, they make me wide awake.  I've barely been able to get 7/8 hours of sleep a night, with lots of waking up in the middle of it, and I've gotten in only one or two naps.  I also had some other weird side effects that I hadn't expected.  For example, the pain meds also made me itchy and mentally checked out.  A few of the other side effect are mentioned below.

And as for the movies thing, no internet means no netflix or google play, means no movies. I tried to watch tv, but couldn't really find anything I liked.  It turned out to be a good thing, instead of settling in on the couch, it meant I did more walking around and talking to family.  Point is, be prepared for unexpected things, whether negative or positive, to happen.

2.  You might be emotional

After the HSG I had earlier this year I was emotional for a couple days, so I knew I should expect that again, I think its a side effect of the anesthesia, pain, pain meds or some combination thereof.  Somehow, it still surprised me.  Its been a lot stronger and lasted a lot longer than before.  I've been very sensitive, irritable, and overall just really emotional.  The weird thing is that I feel completely justified and normal, but have to remind myself that I'm not.  I'm actually glad it took time before I got the internet back, I had a lot of feelings about how things went at the hospital that I needed time to process before posting about it.

3. Constipation (and getting over it) is no joke

Okay, this one is a little TMI, but so is most everything else on the blog I guess.  Anyways, everything I read warned me that there might be constipation after surgery.  My doctor even warned me right before surgery, and gave me a prescription for miralax.  Even so, my abdominal area hurt so badly after surgery I couldn't imagine having a bowel movement, and I usually respond pretty quickly to laxatives, so I waited until the next day to take the miralax.  Bad move.  I was super constipated until 3 days after the surgery.  I was super bloated and uncomfortable, and worried about the whole thing. I even doubled up on laxatives, which finally worked.  The... unconstipation was  also not fun.  The pain and spotting had been starting to get better, but with the unconstipation got worse.  Just a heads up for anyone who deals with that.

4. I'm firmly team low-rise

Another tip I'd run across a lot was to get either high or low rise underwear to avoid irritating the incisions.  I bought both because I didn't know which I'd like.  After the surgery, I took one look at the high rise underwear and though, oh he** no, lol.  They probably would've landed directly on the incisions and even if they hadn't I think the material would've been too close and irritated them.  So I went with the low rise.  They had plenty of clearance and didn't bother me at all.

5. Its tough to learn your limits

Like I mentioned before, there's been a lot of Hubs telling me no to do things, me doing them anyways, then me getting worn out.  I'm a really bad patient, and I don't like admitting defeat.  I have had to though.  There are things I can't carry... like our bigger dog or a flower vase.  Even my purse right now is bordering on the too heavy side.  I couldn't pour my own milk from the gallon yesterday.  I couldn't even get myself out of bed for a few days.  Point is, as you go along, you have to accept that you can't do some things and ask for help, even if you're stubborn like me.

6. There is a way to upgrade the squishy pillow

Everyone also recommended keeping a squishy pillow on hand.  Seriously great advice, and I've been super attached to my pillow since right after the surgery.  It was actually funny, when I was walking into my parents' house after the surgery, I was clutching my pillow. Everyone kept offering to hold it for me, but I wouldn't let them take it away.  They had no idea why I was so attached to the thing.  It felt like it was my security blanket or something, lol.

However, hanging out in my old room, I discovered and old friend that upped  my squishy pillow game.  I found my pillow pet I got a few years ago, which has turned out to be so perfect.  Its big enough to cover my whole stomach area, folds up if I need it to take up less space, and its happy!  I mean just look at it:

His name is Buzby

The only problem I ran into was that the dogs thought it was a toy for them, very self centered those dogs are.  I covered it with a blanket and they completely forgot about it, other than finding it a comfy place to rest (while perfectly cushioning me from puppy paws).  So, if you happen to have a surgery in your future, or just need a smiling face around, I suggest you get yourself a pillow pet too :).

7. You might not know how to feel about the future

I know I've talked  about this before, but its been heightened lately.  I'm so ambivalent on how to feel about it things now.  The Hubs is hopeful.  When I pointed out a cute toddler in a batman sweater to him (we have a game where we point out cute kids to each other), he smiled and said to me "soon".  My mom is hopeful.  So hopeful in fact that she bought baby hats at the hospital and presented them to me on the car ride home.  I, however, have been more cynical than hopeful, according to the Hubs.

I want to believe the surgery will be successful.  I want to believe that this time next year will be different, that maybe we'll have a use for those hats.  I'd like to think that some day I can show those hospital wrist bands to my kid(s) and tell them the story of everything that led to them. But at the same time, I can't really see that in our future, and I don't want to get my hopes up again. I want to be prepared for the surgery not to be a success.  Its kind of weird though, instead of all the pain I'd been feeling as usual, its been like a lot of confusion. I guess its to be expected.

8. Don't underestimate the power of prayer

I very greedily asked for prayers multiple time on here and other places.  I'm so thankful for all those that prayed for me, and really believe I've felt the power of all those prayers.  I know those prayers helped us get to the hospital on time, helped the doctor to sew my ovaries back together when they didn't want to cooperate, and helped me have a recovery that's been surprisingly easy and uncomplicated (despite all the things I've said above).  I know they've been there helping the people taking care of me put up with me too :).  So thank you again I'll be praying for you too!

Surgery Recap

I’m finally settled back at home, and have my internet back (yay!) so, as promised, I’m going to share my surgery story.  I apologize if its too long, I just wanted to get it all down before I forgot.  So here goes nothing…

The night before the surgery, the hubs showed up after work with flowers and a sweet card.  And then, because I tried to follow all of Stephanie's tips (yes, I'm pretending we're on a first name basis now), we went out for a “last meal”.  We went to my favorite build your own burger place, and were joined by my sister and her new boyfriend.  A good time was had by all (I think), though the poor new bf did get grilled a little, it was all in good fun.  After dinner, we went home and relaxed a little, then started packing and cleaning, because I didn’t want the place to be too much of a mess when we got back.  Although that successfully kept my mind off the impending surgery, before I knew it, it was midnight…. and we had to wake up at 3:30 a.m.  Suffice to say, we didn't get much sleep. 

At 3:30, ok more like 3:45 a.m., the morning of the surgery the Hubs and I woke up, showered, got the dogs corralled and in the car, and then headed to my parents house.  We got there around 4:45 a.m., dropped the dogs off, switched to my Mom's car (she wanted to come and she has a nicer car :) ) and got on our way to the hospital.  Funny thing, there were two routes we considered taking, and by accident we took the one we ended up on, but stuck with it.  I think I remember my mom saying when we got to the hospital that there was an accident and traffic the other way, so we would've likely been late (or might not have even made it) had we gone the way we meant to.  Talk about some intervention on that one :).  

We got there around 6, right on time, and checked in. Once I was checked in, a nurse came and escorted me and another woman to the pre-op area, we dropped off our loved ones in a waiting room on the way.  I gave a urine sample, changed into my hospital gown, and got my blood tested.  They were checking for my blood type, which somehow I don’t know, so I asked for them to tell me.  They said they would after the surgery but I forgot to ask.  I guess I’ll find out some other day.

The pre-op area was pretty relaxed.  (the Hubs just told me the pre-op area was the same as the recovery room.  I had no idea.  Mind. Blown).  There were  two nice nurses and we were just telling stories and laughing most of the time, so it kept the nerves at bay.  My dorkiest moment:  the nurse took my temperature with something that she just swiped along my face.  I blurted out "cool, that’s like star trek!"

Tricorder anyone?

(I guess its official, the Hubs has turned me into a trekkie, I’ll just have to live with that).

The worst part of pre-op was getting the IV in. The nurse tried a vein in my hand but that vein was so not having it… ouuuch.  She gave up on the hand and went to the inner elbow… much better, my veins there are always good.

Soon enough my Mom and the Hubs were ushered back to hang out with me, and the anesthesiologist showed up right after them.  He asked if I had any problems with general anesthesia before, I said I didn't think so, last time I had it was when I was seven having my tonsils out. So I turned to my Mom and asked if she remembered any issues I had. Her response was "you didn’t have your tonsils out, did you?!?"  I poked fun at My mom for not remembering I had my tonsils out for the rest of the time, lol.  I also  asked the anesthesiologist about the anti-nausea patch that I've heard about.  He assured me that since I don’t regularly get motion sickness, I would’t need it, and that he would be giving me other medicines to deal with nausea… in hindsight I wish I had pressed the issue more.

Dr. S then came by to go over the surgery.  She was calm about it all, quickly explained what would be happening, answered our questions, then was on her way.  The last thing they were waiting for before I could get hauled off to the operating room was my HCG result.  When it finally came back negative, I told them “ I could’ve saved you the time and told you that” lol.

Then it was “hugs and kisses time” as they called it, I said goodbye to my mom and the Hubs and was wheeled off to the OR.  In any procedure I’ve had before, I’ve been put under before making it to the OR.  This time, my IV wasn't even hooked up yet, so I was wide awake when I was wheeled in there and scooted myself onto the table… below the very big and intimidating robot. 

Friendly looking, isn't it?

They mentioned it had a name, and I think they told me its name was margarita??  But I was administered the drugs and was out pretty quick… so I may never know what the robot's actual name is, lol.

As for how the surgery went, the Hubs made a recording of what the doctor said, though the quality wasn't awesome, but between the recording and what the Hubs and my mom remembered, I was able to piece it mostly together. By the way, I'm not sure if I ever said exactly what the surgery was, just in case, it was a robotic ovarian wedge resection and diagnostic laparoscopy.  The surgery went pretty well.  The doctor didn't see any endometriosis, which was a big relief.  Even though I never had an symptoms of it, I was worried it would show up, and  I really didn’t want to have just one more thing wrong with me. My uterus looked good, but she took a culture and we'll hear about the result at my follow up.  I hope we'll be able to get to the bottom of the TEBB. As for my ovaries, I guess there were so many cysts that my ovaries were really big, and instead of being oval shaped like normal, they were round.  One was worse that the other.  I’ll be interested to find which one it was, and if it corresponds to some pain I've been having.  So anyways, she cleared out the cysts, wedged resected the ovaries to a normal size, and sewed them back together.  She ran into a bit of a problem with that,…. I guess the ovaries were very delicate, kept tearing, and she had a hard time keeping them stitched… so it took some extra time but she got it done.  I guess it had really worried the Hubs, they had been told the surgery would be two hours, but it ended up being four because of that.  He kept asking for updates because he was scared something had happened.  Poor guy L.

After all that was done, I was woken up.  I think I was in the middle of a good dream or something, because I remember being irritated they were waking me up then.  I don’t remember everything in order from the recovery room.   I remember seeing the clock and being surprised that it was 12, my surgery had started around 7:30/8:00 and was only supposed to be 2 hours.  But everyone was just saying the surgery went well.  I remember that I felt like I had to go to the bathroom.  They said I had had a catheter in during surgery and that my bladder was empty, but they gave me a bed pan just in case, turns out they were right.  In hindsight I'm glad I didn't actually have to utilize the bed pan.  I was super groggy, my throat hurt, and I was in a lot of pain.  After complaining about it for a bit, someone asked me what my pain was on a scale from 1-10, I said 7 or 8. They gave me some pain medication that staved the pain off for a little bit, but a half hour later the pain started climbing again, it was around a 5 or 6, and they gave me more pain meds.  I was also nauseated… I bet that patch would have come in handy.  

Then I was just kinda alone in the recovery room for a while… the nurses were busy with other people and in and out of grogginess. Finally, around 1:00, the Hubs was brought back to me.  Once he was back there, we talked for a little bit, he told me that surgery went well and that he recorded what the doc said so I would hear it later.  We hung out for about a half hour.  Then the nurse said I needed to pee before I left and gave me something to drink so that I could and ushered the Hubs out while I waited for my bladder to fill up.

While I was waiting for that, I had a particularly unpleasant moment with the nurse.  She asked if I was having the surgery so I could have a baby.  I said yes.  Then she asked how long we’d been married, I told her three years.  Then she said, oh, you’re so young, you have plenty of time.  I was so not in the mood to hear that, you know while I was laying there in pain in the recovery room.  So I rolled my eyes at her and told her, well, if things are bad now while I’m young, they’re probably just going to get worse, not better.  Then she went on to say something to the effect of I would have kids when I was ready for them and I just needed to relax.  I so wanted to yell at her or something… but figured that wasn’t a great idea.  I just looked away and stopped talking to her.  That just about all I had enough energy for anyways.

Finally, I felt like I needed to pee, so the nurse got me to the side of the bed and to sit up.  I tried to stand... much pain and nausea.  We waited a bit and I tried again, but I was still in pain and dizzy.  So she got me some more pain meds, and let that set in for a while.  After the pain subsided, the nurse brought over this thing to wheel me to the bathroom… I don’t know how to describe it… it was like a dolly crossed with a wheel chair.  Here, I found a picture of something like it:

weird, right?

 All of this made me feel like, for some reason, they were really in a rush to get me out of there, which kinda bothered me since I was still nauseated, dizzy, groggy, and kinda hurting, but I went along with it.  So she got me to the bathroom, and I was able to walk, or shuffle really, back from there to the bed  Then the Hubs was called in to dress me and we called my mom to swing the car around to pick me up.  Everything was going so fast, they almost forgot to take the IV out of my arm! Around 2, I was wheeled out to the car and we headed home.

I figure this post is long enough.  So stay tuned, the next will cover my recovery (so far) and some things I've learned.