Weigh Day Vol. 5

Welcome back for another weigh day recap. Let's start off with the good news. After my gain last time, and probably due to all of your kind encouragement, I was really motivated and had a really good week.  I tripped up one day, the day we went to see avengers, and had a meal that used up all of my extra points in one fell swoop.  One of these days I'll learn to check nutrition facts ahead of time (it was a really good meal though).  I bounced back from that meal and stuck to my guns the next few days, and was down a whopping 4 pounds at my weigh in!  That's the most I've lost in one week since I started (this time).  It felt great to be back on track!

This last week, well, was okay.  I was eating alright, until the weekend hit that is.  We had a baptism to attend on Saturday, that was nice, but the reception held after had way too much good food.  It was a problem.  Halfway into my first plate I realized I had no idea how I would track the food, gave up, and had two plates of dessert thereafter. There may have been some comforting eating involved considering the being around babies and baby talk.  I really have to find ways to cope with emotion outside of food, but that didn't happen the next day.  Sunday, as you're most likely aware, was mother's day.  We spent most of the day hanging out with my mom, we went to mass as a family then out to brunch.  Again, a little bit of a tough day meant a lot of comfort eating on my part.  I was supposed to split a dessert with my sister, I think I ended up eating most of both of ours :/.  Oh, and I started a new cycle the same week, so carb cravings and bloating were in full force.  So, all that considered, I wasn't really expecting much from the weigh in, though I was really hoping I wasn't up again.  Luckily, I was down, though not by much, a very small .2 pounds. But hey, it's better than being up again.

Like I mentioned a couple times, I really need to learn how to deal with emotions without resorting to food.  Every time I'm upset I feel like I "deserve" to eat what I want, and g out and eat something not great for the whole trying to lose weight thing.  I don't know how to knock that idea out of my head and come up with a better coping mechanism.  Any ideas?

Weigh Day Vol. 4

I really thought about not writing this update. It's hard to admit a fail, even a (relatively) small one. But I'm doing this to keep myself accountable, so here goes nothing.

First, the positive. Last week I actually did well. I was down 1.6 lbs for the week and closing in on 15 lbs lost total (I was at 14.8). That was great.  Unfortunately, as the pattern has been going, bad week followed good again.

I have noticed that I save my extra points up for Sunday then would pig out, which I thought was a bad idea the day before weigh in. So, being super smart, I decided I'd use my extra points earlier in the week to avoid that problem. It started off great, except I didn't slow down the eating as I started running out of points. I don't think it helped that I was stressed out all week due to various things, and I am most certainly a stress eater.  On Saturday, I made the mistake of eating before I had checked the point on food (always a bad idea).  I ended up eating a cookie that was 12 points!  Ugh.  Then on Sunday we started with a brunch buffet and the day went downhill from there.

Long story short, I was up .9 lbs today. Ouch.  It may not seem like a lot, but that's a hard fought pound, and a wasted week.  All I can do is pick myself up and try again this week, so that's what I'm going to do.  Here's hoping I'll be down the pound and then some next week.

Weigh Day Vol. 3

Back for your friendly weight update!  The last two weeks have been interesting.  The week before last I was nearly perfect, which was great.  Unfortunately, my doctor's appointment last week kind of conflicted with my weight watchers meeting, so I don't know how much I lost that week, just over the last two weeks. Weighing in at the doctor's appointment was fun though (since the scale is different than my weight watchers' scale, I'm won't count that weight here).  The nurse who weighs me noticed I was down about 10 pounds since my last appointment and was really excited for me. That was nice, and good motivation to keep going.

Last week was, well, the start of a new cycle, so it didn't go as great.  I still tried and mostly stuck to the tracking, but there were definitely some comfort eating moments. There also may have been some half off Easter candy to blame for that.  All in all, it was one of those weeks where I was just happy if I tracked some to most of my food.

Luckily, the two weeks evened each other out or something, I was down 2.8 pounds, which brought me to having lost 5% of my weight so far. That's a good milestone in itself, as I've read that the health benefits of weight loss can start with losing as little as 5 to 10% of your body weight. I also keep noticing small changes in how my clothes fits.  Its probably not noticeable to anyone else, but its nice to me at least.

One hitch in the weight loss so far has been that I've been relying on processed, packaged, and fast food. Its just easier to keep track of points that way. Those aren't always the best or healthiest foods though, and last time around I had trouble with this same thing.  I have two weight watchers cook books and, you know, the whole internet at my disposal, so I'm hoping I can pick up cooking again.  Now if I could just figure out how to meal plan and keep it affordable too. Oh well, I have to start somewhere!

Here's hoping that the losing keeps going! Thanks for stopping in this week.

Weigh Day Vol. 2 & Some Blog Updates

Hi there!  Welcome back for weigh day volume 2.  Sorry I skipped last week, I was just way too busy.  I'm actually considering taking these posts down to every other week, once a week seems like too much work for me to not say much, but we'll see.  Anyway, on to the recap.  The week before last went pretty well.  I was pretty much perfect at sticking with my daily points, and didn't come close to using all my extra points.  That week I was down 2.2 pounds.

This last week was hard. Like I mentioned in my 7QT post, things have been busy, and emotional, and I'm stress eater my nature.  I went over my points on a daily basis, ran out of my extra points by Saturday (when I was spending them on pizza and wine, oops), and still ate whatever I wanted on Sunday.  I accepted that I was likely going to be up again today, everybody has to have a bad week every once in  while.  To my great surprise I was down another 1.6 pounds this week.  So, I'm now down a total 10.4 pounds.  Its a nice milestone, but makes the thought of how much left I have to lose a little overwhelming, I'm only 1/8 done at this point, ugh.  Well, just gotta keep on keepin on I guess.

Also, as I titled the post, I've gt a few blog updates to announce.  I've been trying to make this blog more official like, and it now has its own facebook page and twitter.  Feel free to follow on either!  I have to say, I avoided twitter for the longest time, but I'm loving it now, so much to read! So perfect for my ADD, lol. I also set up an RSS feed and email subscription if those are things you do (I think at least, not super tech savvy, so who knows if they work).  There are also some pretty buttons for all of these in the right column, too.  (You have no idea how many hours it took to get those stupid little buttons to work, lol).

Oh, one last thing.  If you have been kind enough to put] this blog on a blog list/ blog roll, they don't appear to have changed automatically with the url change, but it looks like they to have to be changed manually, if that's something you'd want to do.  I think I made the right changes for followers and reader to stay updated, but I can't test it out, so I can't say for sure.  Let me know if you're having problems with any of this, and I'll do what I can to fix it!

Thanks for stopping by this week, looking forward to the next one!

Weigh Day Vol. 1

Welcome to our first official weigh day!  I'm not sure if last week counts or not, so I've decided we're starting at one today.  Props to the commenter who suggested weigh day :).  It was a close race, but it the end I liked something that wasn't tied a particular weekday in case I have to switch things up in the future.  So weigh day it is.  Also, that's my first attempt at making a graphic for this blog, so don't judge it too harshly.  Anyway, onto the actual post.

This last week went pretty well actually.  I knew I had a wedding to go to on Saturday, so I saved my extra points up for that occasion, which worked out just fine. I'm also starting to feel the effects of the weight loss. Yesterday I noticed my biggest pair of jeans are getting a little too loose, and my smaller pair of jeans are starting to fit well.  So yay for that!  Visibly I don't really notice anything yet, but I think it takes more time and more weight loss for it to become noticeable.

There was another shocking food realization for me this week.  On our way to the wedding (it was a 2 hour drive away) we got hungry.  Neither of us had eaten much other than breakfast and it was already mid afternoon, soooo we pulled over at the sight of the first burger king.  So bad, I know.  I ordered myself an original chicken sandwich then pulled up the points while we were waiting for our food. (Wrong order, I know I should look these things up ahead of time).  17 points for my little chicken sandwich, not even counting the cheese I put on there.  Again more than half of my day's allotted points.  Not cool, but at least now I know. Its hard to think that before I would normally have the sandwich (plus cheese), fries with ranch, and a soda for lunch.  No wonder I was gaining weight :(.

Yesterday we had fun with food though.  Normally we go out to eat after Sunday mass.  Yesterday I was craving all sorts of random foods I hadn't had in a while, so we decided to stop at the grocery store and pick out dinner there from whatever random things we wanted.  (Don't get any ideas about me having food cravings, I always have those. They've led us on some pretty fun adventures actually, like the day I woke up craving cuban food). I picked up some mango juice, apple sauce, a yogurt smoothie, and three kinds of cheddar.  I had also wanted pot roast with carrots and potatoes, but I think I'm just going to have to make that myself.  The Hubs ended up with a roast beef sandwich, some white american cheese he picked up from the deli, and some cheese and cheddar crackers.  Yea, we were in the mood for cheese a little bit. And yes, our meals were basically what you would feed to a five year old, but I never said I was mature.

Sorry about all the rambling.  On to the substance of the post.  I did weigh in today, down 1.2 lbs.  Less than I was expecting, though I might just go and blame it one the jeans I was wearing for being heavier than the pants I've worn to the weigh ins before.  I guess any progress is good, but I wish this progress would hurry itself up already!  I'm getting a little frustrated that last time I lost weight twice as fast as I am now (I pulled up the my old records), but I guess I am also three years older.  Who knew my already slow metabolism could slow down any more? Ugh. Oh well, here's hoping next week goes a little better.

Monday Weight Update

First, a housekeeping (blogkeeping?) detail, then I'll get to the substance.  So, currently my weight watchers weigh in day is Monday.  I used to prefer Tuesday or Wednesday because it would let me bounce back if when I was bad on the weekend, but this works best with my current schedule and keeps me on my toes, so I'm sticking with it.  Anyways, back to the point.  Mondays= weigh in day. I'd like to do a weekly (more or less) post updating on my progress so far. Monday weight update is a pretty boring title, so I'd like to think of a more catchy title for the weekly post, but I can't really come up with anything.  The only thing I've thought of so far is Motivation Monday but, lets be honest, I might have some bad weeks where I'm not so motivated. So, I'm asking for your help to come up with something! Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.

So, that's the blogkeeping matter, on to the update.  This week was a little easier than last, considering I wasn't on a road trip or anything.  The process slowly gets easier as I get more used to tracking and planning meals. There still are moments where I really just want all the carbs and sugary things and its hard to hold myself back.  I ran across a package of oreos in the pantry that I had forgotten and started snacking on them all the time.  I finally had the Hubs polish them off so I wouldn't.  The poor guy has a rough life, haha. There are also moments of shock, like when I was considering getting a bread bowl from Panera.  I learned the bowl itself, not even factoring soup, would be more than half of my daily points!  Crazy!

I also came across some extra motivation this week.  I broke down and paid a fee to get access to all of my blood work from the last few years from the lab I usually use.  Looking over the labs, something was abundantly clear.  Although treatment can help level things out, it appears the overriding issue is my weight.  As my weight went up so did the bad levels, even while I was receiving treatment that was supposed to be making things better.  Even looking at my most recent labs after surgery, my hormones are better, but still not as good as when I started treatment, when I was 50 lbs lighter :(.  Its kind of disheartening thinking about the fact that my gaining weight has directly worked against what we've been trying to accomplish, and that even after everything I've been through, my hormones aren't better than when I started.  Its also difficult knowing that I have a long journey ahead of me, and this weight isn't going to come off as fast as I put it on.  But it does give me motivation, knowing that I have concrete proof that losing weight will help make me healthier, and give us a better chance, even if it doesn't get us to the final goal.

So that all being said, I did lose another 2 lbs last week. That means now I'm down a total 5.4 pounds.  I'm just hoping to keep the momentum going and to keep getting healthier!

Back to Weight Watching

I've mentioned here and there since the great paleo fail that I needed to do something to get my weight back on track.  Last time I talked about it, I mentioned I was leaning towards starting weight watchers again.  Last week I finally took the plunge and signed myself up for it again (I really have no idea what number try it is this time, ugh).  I updated the weight journey page (and I'll be updating the weight tracker as I go along), but I wanted to wait a week before posting anything to make sure it stuck.  So far it has....well, for the most part anyways.

As for what finally pushed me over the edge, its was really that promotion to get the first 2 months free if you lost 10 lbs.  Weight watchers is a little pricey, so the possibility of recouping some of the expenses was helpful, as well as a good motivator to stay on the plan.  I also chose it because I'm lazy.  I know, awful reason, but I like the fact that starting is easy, not some overwhelming endeavor, which is where I usually get stuck in the putting it off process. I've done it before, so I know how to do it again, and already have cookbooks and whatnot at my disposal.

I also like that it allows me to incorporate any type of eating I'd like as long as I just count the points.*  Down the road, I would like to give paleo another try.  I have noticed my stomach reacting to certain types of foods that I could probably eliminate through the paleo diet, so its definitely still in the back of my mind.  I do need something more structured as well, so I like the idea of eating paleo style on weight watchers.  But for now, I'm just trying to do this one baby step at a time.

Back to how its going so far, pretty well.  The first few days of any diet are always tough.  For me its the shock of realizing how much I was eating before, even though at the time I thought it was just fine.  Its also difficult snapping myself out of food related habits.  For example, when I go to the pharmacy to pick up my latest prescription or vitamins or whatever, I guess I would always pick up a bag of chocolate to go with it.  Because obviously I needed the chocolate to make myself feel better about the whole reason I was there to pick up stuff.  Last week I caught myself unconsciously doing the same thing, mindlessly browsing the candy aisle to pick out some chocolate, when I had to make the choice to say no.  Maybe some of you can have chocolate around and eat it in moderation, but not me, if chocolate is there, I will continually snack on it till its gone.  I'm sure more situations like that will come up, hopefully I have enough willpower on hand when they do.

We also went on a road trip over the weekend.  All the driving (1000 miles round trip) actually kept me busy and not thinking about food. To the Hubs's dismay, I forgot to pack snacks, so there wasn't much mindless eating on the road going on.  Though once I made it to our destination it was a different story.  I had to have ALL THE FOODS.  Luckily weight watchers builds in some extra points and I was able to use those.  We aren't going to talk about the extra chocolate though.

All that being said, I did have a successful first week.  I'm down 3.5 lbs.  I know its not a huge number, but its a start, and that's all I need right now.  Here's hoping I have more good updates for you in the weeks to come :).





*  In case you aren't familiar with weight watchers, its basically a weight loss system where you are allotted a daily number of food "points" (calculated based upon your gender, height, weight, and age I think), for example, I'm starting with an allotment of 33 points a day.  A food's point value is calculated from its fat, protein, fiber, and carbohydrate content.  You are also allotted 49 extra points to use any time during the week.  As long as you stay within your points, you can eat whatever you want. So basically, its kind of like calorie counting, only using a different system... that doesn't consider calories. for more information, feel free to check out their website.

7QT: Random Happenings Around Here

I haven't joined in on Seven Quick Takes in a while, and I really wanted to.  Problem is, I don't really have like some interesting, overarching theme to talk about.  So, you just get a random amalgamation of what's been going on around here, lucky you!

-1-

Ok, first of all, lets talk about the super bowl.  We kind of had a super bowl party.  And by kind of, I mean it was just me and the Hubs.  But we got chips, dip, pizza, soda, and beer (all things that are usually not stocked in our house) and had a good time watching the game commercials.  No leaving the house, no dealing with awkward small talk, and I got to watch in my pajamas... it may have been my favorite super bowl so far :).

-2-

I found out on Monday that I ovulated this cycle!!  I know I've already talked about it, but it really is the most exciting thing to happen around these parts in a while!  I'm still super psyched about it :).  In case you're new around here, check out the Infertility Journey page to see why this is a pretty big deal.

-3-

At the same doctor's appointment, I got a new handout of advice.  I love my doctor because she seems like she's always on top of things.  She said this handout was based on the latest research, so cool. Along with suggesting a bunch of new supplements, it also suggested that I avoid BPA and Phthalates.  I have to confess, I've never really been "crunchy".  I have nothing against it, it just seems like a lot of work and I'm lazy.  But now I kinda have to try.

You guys, I had no idea how much stuff BPA and Phthalates are in!  I got some new, more natural shampoo, conditioner, body and face wash, to try to avoid all that stuff and all.  I tried them all out today, and I'm not sure I love them yet.  One the positive side, my hair looked great, on the negative, it didn't feel great, and it all smells like baby powder, not like the advertised scent.  So the jury's still out on it, I guess we'll see.  Anyone else have favorite natural products?

-4-

Along the same vein, one of my newer medications is giving me vivid dreams.  While its a good thing that the dreams aren't scary or upsetting usually, they're not really particularly interesting.  For example, last night I dreamed about getting laid off at work (in a mostly non-dramatic way) and applying for new jobs.  A few nights before I dreamed about vacuuming .  Yep, you read that right.  Hours of vacuuming, emptying the vacuum, and then continuing with the vacuuming.  I tell you, my subconscious knows how to party. I can't wait to find out what's next, sweeping? doing the laundry?

-5-

Speaking of jobs, the poor Hubs is not only working, but has been busy studying for a couple important tests lately (please send up some prayers for him if you can).  I really appreciate what he's doing, and know its gotta be so tough. I really shouldn't even be whining about it, but I miss him!  What it means is I see him while we get ready in the morning, for the half hour or so when we eat dinner, and mayyybe for a little bit before I fall asleep, if I don't fall asleep too early.  And I'm so bored without him to hang out with!  I forget how lucky I am to have such a awesome hubs that I have so much fun with sometimes, at least this is a good reminder.  Also, I need someone else to take up some of the dogs' attention, I love them, but sometimes they drive me crazy.  One of them kept waking up wanting to play (fetch, of course), and kept it up for almost a whole hour last night.  Crazy dog!

-6-

I still haven't taken the plunge on a diet (as if that wasn't clear from the first take) but I think I'm leaning towards weight watchers.  They have a promotion where your fees for two months will be reimbursed if you manage to lose 10 pounds during them, which is totally (possibly) doable.  The promotion ends valentine's day, so that gives me some motivation to get started.

I had a humiliating run in with the ghost of weight watchers past this week though.   I was ordering lunch at a new restaurant and, not knowing the portion sizes, ordered two things.  Turned out I ordered enough to last me at least three lunches.  Oh, and right behind me while I was ordering was my old weight watchers leader. So yea, humiliating, especially since I've gained like 40 lbs since I last saw her :(.  Oh well, more motivation, right?

-7-

This story, about the husband who's wife divorced him because he wanted to keep their son, who they found out after he was born has down syndrome, has been on my mind.  Its so heart breaking, yet heart warming that so many people have rallied around baby Leo.  It also makes me think of the children have not been so fortunate. They will all be in my prayers.

---

Thanks for stopping by!  Head over to Kelly's at This Ain't The Lyceum for more!

So This Is The New Year

I know I've been a little quiet over here, especially after such a talkative December. There are several reasons, though in large part, there's just been a lot going on!  We rang in the New Year at a friend's cabin in the nearby mountains.  Once we figured out how to get the chains on our tires (read: paid someone else to do it) and were able to get up the mountain, it was great.  We had some good champagne, played some fun board games, and played in the snow.  I have learned however that me and the cold aren't friends... I came back a little bruised after some slips and falls in the ice and snow. But all in all it was a fun trip!

New year's kiss :)

After we got back, I got together with some close friends.  One enlisted me a while back to help plan a baby shower for one of the others, which is tomorrow.  The mom to be of honor is one of the nicest people I know and has been my friend since high school.  She's also been the model of how a pregnant woman should treat an infertile woman, like trying to give me a heads up before the public announcement and not forcing pregnancy talk all the time, which has made it easier for me to be excited for her.  So I am looking forward to the shower, and I'm glad I've been able to keep myself busy with preparations leading up to it.

like baking many cupcakes of various flavors and sizes

At the same time, I was trying to find her a card, and couldn't even get through looking at one without wanting to cry.  And as much as my friend is wonderful, I can't vouch for how other people will be, including one of the other organizers that just found out she's unexpectedly pregnant this week.  Oh, and it looks like good old Aunt Flow should be showing up tomorrow, always good timing on her part.  So I am definitely nervous.  How this shower goes will gauge whether or not I got to the second one, which will be much bigger, being held for her in two weeks... I'm glad I get a practice run at least.

In non baby related news, I've also had a bit of a setback/push forward at work.  After I was long promised a raise if a certain condition was fulfilled, I finally did my part, and was then informed by my boss that, although I deserve a raise, the money just isn't there for it right now.  Considering the fact that I'm paid quite a bit lower than what the going rate for what I do is (nearly half), that wasn't fun to hear.  It also wasn't welcome because I was kind of relying on the raise to help out our current financial situation which, although it isn't dire, it isn't great either.  The positive side is that its the push I needed to get serious about finding another job.  As much as I like my job, there isn't really any room for growth (or raises apparently), so its time I found somewhere with the potential to help my career... with decent pay and maybe even benefits would be nice too.  I've started applying around.  The last few times I've tried, I haven't gotten so much as a decent interview... hoping things go differently this time.

I'm also hitting a point of being fed up with my weight (ignore the above pictured cupcakes).  I gained the 10 pounds I had lost in the fall back after the surgery.  I'm pretty close to my highest weight ever and nothing really fits comfortably, so I know I have to do something.  I just haven't really decided what yet. I like paleo, but its so time consuming to cook all the time, its hard for me to keep up with.  The Hubs is adamantly against it for that reason, lol.  I'm also considering giving weight watchers another (I think its 5th or 6th now) try.  Its really the only diet I've been able to stick with for any substantial amount of time.  And they have some new personal coaching thing.  But, the cost is kind of prohibitive at this point (see bad financial situation mentioned above).  So... I guess we'll see.  Any votes or advice on this front are appreciated :).

So see, a lot of stuff going on, considering we're only 10 days into the new year.  Hoping 2015 is a good one for all of you!

My Journey with PCOS (Part 2)

So I left off last post with getting married, and not particularly trying to avoid or conceive.  The irregular cycles that are part of my PCOS became maddening.  So many negative pregnancy tests :(.  As the months went by we moved more and more from neutral to hoping for a positive.

In late 2011, after some googling around, I bought a book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility (TCOYF), a thermometer, some ovulation prediction kits (OPKs), and downloaded a sympto-thermal charting app and got started. I noticed right off the bat that my temps were low and erratic, and was never able to confirm an ovulation.  Similarly, I was never able to identify an ovulation with OPKs.  This had me a bit worried.

Our anniversary rolled around but still no positive, confirming that we technically fit the definition of infertile.  I was upset, but not quite ready to get medical assistance to conceive.  At that point, I was at my heaviest weight ever, and I wanted to lose weight before getting treatment to give myself the best chance possible.  So in October 2012 I started weight watchers.  I decided that I wouldn't seek help conceiving until the earlier of hitting my goal weight or my next birthday.

Around January 2013, the Hubs and I found a new primary care doctor.  I told the doctor about some pain I had been having and that it'd been years since the first ultrasound I had confirming PCOS, so he had me get another.  The result of the ultrasound was unexpected, they didn't even see one cyst.  I believe the exact phrasing was that the ultrasound was an "unremarkable ultrasound of the female reproductive system."  So.... I have PCOS without the polycystic ovaries?  The primary care doctor sent me along to an endocrinologist to see if any more treatments could be done to control my symptoms.  The endocronologist upped my dose of metformin and then insisted that the only other available treatment was birth control.  Again, I politely refused, upset that my new doctor, a supposed specialist in hormones, knew less than I did about PCOS.

By May 2013 I had lost 60 lbs, but I kinda fell off the weight watches bandwagon after that and my weight started climbing again.  In August 2013, around our second anniversary, I got impatient and looked into booking an appointment with a Napro.  Unfortunately, a great job change for the hubs meant we had to wait a while for our insurance coverage to kick back in.  Finally, we set our appointment... for less than a week before my birthday, hah!

An Update and A Fresh Start

So its been a while, almost a year since my last post. I wasn't so good at keeping up with the blogging last time around, but I'm going to try to give it another try!  So here we go:

Since last November, I did stick with the weight watchers for quite some time.  Lost about 60 pounds by May, which was amazing.  I was so much healthier and felt great!  I also fit well into that bridesmaid dress I was worried about :).  Unfortunately, that wedding had been my real focal point and after it was over I slowly lost motivation. Towards the fall I had gained some weight back.  Then, before getting my eating habits back under control, there was a whirlwind of change in my life.  I quit smoking, bought a condo and moved, had a crazy heavy workload, and got a new puppy, among other little thing.  All great things, but in the midst of it all my weight goals went to the back burner.  I've gained over half the weight back by now.

Now that things are finally settling down, I do want to focus on my health again.  I have learned some things in the whole trial and error process.  I know I need to find a healthier outlet for stress. I'm still figuring that one out, though both me and my puppy need to be getting more exercise soon!   I also need to make sure I'm developing sustainable habits.  Last time around I fell back on frozen meals and ordering food out (which I'm so happy was easy on weight watchers), but I got tired of frozen meals and eating out got a bit expensive and made it easy to slide into bad habits.   Lastly, I know need find better motivation than a one time event. I have to change my lifestyle permanently, not just temporarily.    I don't have these all worked out, but at least its a starting point.

As for the direction of this blog, I definitely want to use it as a tool to hold myself accountable. As part of my working towards better habits, I think I'll be focusing on my learning how to cook... and cook fresh and healthy foods.  We'll see how it goes!

What I want to gain...

     For the good new of the day... drum roll please... I've lost another 2 pounds, bringing my total weight loss to 16 pounds!  Although I've got a ways to go, things are going pretty well I'd like to think!  I'm already seeing and feeling the changes. A little voice in the back of my head tells me that on other diets I've lost 15 pounds in two weeks, but I know I'm making the right choices, and setting myself up for a healthy lifestyle (and to never have to crash diet again :) ),

    So the topic for this week's meeting (aside from the activelink which I want sooo badly) was "your reasons for losing," which I think it an appropriate topic for my second post.  Why do I want to lose weight? well there's a million reasons, but I for today, here's the top five (in no particular order):

1. I want to be healthy

     I know, so specific and non cliche, but seriously.  One of my biggest motivating factors to join weight watchers was how unhealthy I was.  I can't say I'm really healthy yet, but at least I'm working on getting better.    I knew what my BMI meant, and it scared me.  I was in denial about being obese for some time, but I couldn't hide from it anymore.  At a doctor's visit, my blood pressure came up higher than normal.  At the time I brushed it off, but I'll bet it had something to do with my weight. 

     I also have a hormonal condition, PCOS, which is a big part of wanting to be healthier.  It not only makes it easier to gain weight, but gets worse when you gain more (talk about a vicious cycle).  Over the past year I've noticed symptoms that I never had before show up, and the ones I did have become more pronounced.   PCOS also puts me at about a 50% chance of developing diabetes.  My grandmother lived with my family for 9 years, and I saw how much she suffered with diabetes, I don't want to go through that too.  I could spend a whole post about PCOS and the role it plays in my life, but long story short, PCOS makes losing weight to get healthy even more important.

2. I want to fit

     The easiest way to tell if you're gaining or losing weight (other than looking at the scale) is how clothes fit... and mine just weren't fitting. I've always tried to motivate myself to to lose weight by not allowing myself to go clothes shopping when I'm at a size I'm not happy with.  Problem with that is... when you're gaining weight, at some point you have to buy new clothes.  When I went job hunting and got a new job in May, I allowed myself to buy some new clothes because I needed to look professional... and none of my professional clothes fit anymore.  But by October, I couldn't even fit in the new suit I bought, and the shirts that weren't loose fitting had been hanging in the closet for a while... I couldn't get them to button around my stomach :(.  

     But clothes aren't the only things I wasn't fitting into.  This summer I took two trips that involved flights.In May the seats were snug, and by August I wasn't comfortable unless the armrest was up and I was hogging some of my hubby's space (poor guy).  Fairs and theme parks terrify me.  I don't even want to know what trying to fit in a ride would be like.  So yea... I want to fit.

     The good news is, its already getting better! Just about two weeks ago I decided to try on one of my retired shirts, and it fit! My suit pants are also back on, and comfortable!  They aren't cutting into my stomach and squeezing the life out of me!  Its a small step, and I can't wait to be hitting smaller sizes, but I'm so happy that I can already feel change!

3. I want to feel better

     This ties in with all the others, but I really just want to feel better, physically and mentally.  At my highest weight, physical activity was getting pretty difficult.  Standing for more than 10 or 15 minutes was really uncomfortable.  When I traveled, my legs, ankles and feet got ridiculously swollen and painful.  Squeezing into tight clothes is not only embarrassing, but it hurts too.  I had aches and pains everywhere.  I knew I was too young to feel that old.

     I want to feel more confident and proud of myself.  Being obese is embarrassing.  Its hard for me to see friends or even go out in public because of how I look.  I'll notice when I'm the heaviest person in the room... not to mention that I'm the heaviest person in my office (California... apparently everybody's healthy here, haha). I always will volunteer to take pictures and shy away from cameras because I don't want other people seeing what I look like, or face it myself.

     Luckily, things are starting to get better on this front too.  The hubby and I have started taking our puppy on walks, and while I still get embarrassed at how winded I get on the last uphill stretch, it gets better each time.  Standing isn't so uncomfortable or difficult anymore.  Although I'm still aware of how big I am, people have started to notice and comment that I'm looking better.  Although strangers might not know, people I see frequently know that I'm trying, and that its working, and that's a little confidence boost in itself.

4. I want to be a better wife

     Don't get me wrong, the hubby has never made any negative comments about my weight, and has been nothing but supportive (he seriously is the best hubby ever).  But I can't help but feel bad when I think about the fact that I was 70 to 80 pounds lighter when I met him, that's hard for me to even think about.  I want to look like that girl who attracted him in the first place again! I want to be more physically fit so we can go off on adventures without me complaining or slowing us down.  And I want to be healthy so we can live a long happy life together!

     He already is being so supportive with weight watchers too.  He went grocery shopping by himself the other day, and picked up healthy food, and even got food with the weight watchers points already on it to make my life easier.  He's so amazing, I'm so glad I have his support and help!

5.  I want to be a better bridesmaid

     Last but not least, a good friend of mine from high school is getting married in the spring, and she asked me to be a bridesmaid.  I'm so honored that I get to be a part of her day!  But being a bridesmaid comes with wearing a nice dress and lots of pictures.  I really don't want to be that one girl that's twice the size of the other bridesmaids (seriously they all could be models :) ), that's just embarrassing to everyone involved.  And lets not even talk about trying on bridesmaid dresses when you're the only one who can't fit in the samples... while they're too big on everyone else.  I feel even worse because I know my discomfort when it comes to my size comes off as a bad mood and takes from everyone else's fun.

     I realize  that I'm not got to be a perfect size 2 or 4 by the wedding (or most likely ever).  But I know I can look decent enough to not stand out for all the wrong reasons, and to be healthy enough to keep up with all the activities of the day!

So that's my top five list!  Here's to another good week!

Starting a New Journey

Welcome to my blog!  About a month ago I joined weight watchers.  Seeing another blog inspired me, and I thought I'd try my own!  I've dealt with weight gain and loss for just about as long as I can remember.  After hitting my thinnest weight ever on a crazy low calorie diet (a story for another day)  over three and a half years ago, I started gaining and didn't stop.  I hit my heaviest weight ever this past October, and decided it was time for a change.  I'd half heartily tried weight watchers before... actually twice before... but never really followed through.  After so many crash diets it was hard to deal with the slow weight loss.  But this time around I want to do it the healthy way.  I know its a lifestyle change, not just a diet, and I knew weight watchers would be my best choice.  So on October 8th I signed up... and so far, third time is the charm!  In my first month I've lost 14 pounds, and over 5% of my body weight.  I have a long way to go, but I'm happy to be off to a good start!