November 23, 2014

My Big Fat Paleo Fail

I've been promising a post about how Paleo has been going for a while. The problem is, Paleo isn't really... going anymore. It really went well for a while.  I was feeling better, cooking new things,  eating lots of veggies and meat.  We even had bison. And well, then the cheating started.

I think it all slowly started going down hill around birthday. My 80/20 slid to 70/30.. 60/40... you get the idea. Then came Halloween... which means candy everywhere of course.  I started out good and bought some organic super dark chocolate from my neighborhood super healthy grocery store.  Of course that only started the candy cravings, which led to butterfingers and kit kats, and... well you get the idea.  Then we went away for the weekend and completely went off the plan and well... I haven't really gotten back on it since then.  I have cooked a Paleo meal here and there, spaghetti squash has become a staple around here, but no consistent sticking to the plan.

I avoided the scale for quite a while, and I'm still refusing to update the weight tracker on the weight journey page, but I have gained half the weight back.  I've also noticed that some fun PCOS symptoms have been flaring up more than usual too.  In general I feel not as great, and I'm especially not looking forward to travelling like this.  I know I need to get my act together, but I seem to have lost my motivation.  It was so hard to break the carb/sugar addition... and then I brought it back.

For now, I don't see it feasible to get back to Paleo.  We're travelling, then I have a week back, which will inevitably be crazy, and then I have my surgery, and recovery.  I'd  like to say after I recover I'll be back to Paleo.  But by the time I'm back in the swing of things, Christmas and New Years will be coming up.  So... I'd like to get back before then, but I think my deadline to get back on plan is New Years.  We'll call it a resolution? 

I know its a big old fail.  I really did feel better/ healthier on Paleo, and I really did want it to work. I thought putting it out there on the blog would keep me more accountable and help me stick with it, and I feel awful admitting it didn't work here.  But hopefully the next time I give it a shot it'll stick?

November 21, 2014

7 Quick Takes, a Change of Season Edition

I think the tone around here could use a little lightening up.  I hope this weeks 7 Quick Takes can do the trick!

So the first time I linked up, I mentioned that fall was taking forever to show up.  I think I mentioned somewhere else that I thought fall was finally here, that was a lie, it got hot again.  Its slowwwly getting cooler, but there's still 80 degree days here and there.  Seriously ridiculous.  I've been wondering if I'm just going (more?) crazy, considering the fact that I live in the same area that I was born and raised (I moved away for 6 years, but I've been back for a few), I should be used to this by now, right? Sooo, I checked online, and the weather has been consistently about 10 degrees or more higher than the average this year.  I'm not completely crazy, this year is warmer than usual!  With that confirmation, I've decided to give up on it ever getting cool. I'm just going to pretend its getting fallish/wintery anyways.

My absolutely favorite part of fall is apple pies. I was going to say apples or pies, but then I realized it isn't one or the other, its both together. I made my first apple pie in college with a friend... it was actually the first thing I ever baked from scratch(ish... I've never made a crust on my own).  Just in case you're wondering, this is my favorite apple pie recipe, though I do tend to add spices like cinnamon and nutmeg.  Mmmm cinnamon, my favorite spice.  I feel like I've added cloves too, but I'm not sure, its been a while.

Speaking of apple pie, I made an awesome discovery this week.  I was having a sweet tooth moment and discovered the most amazing combination, apple pie and gelato!  I was thinking that it couldn't possibly taste as good as it sounds, but oh yes it does! If you're an apple pie lover, but not feeling up to baking one yourself, and also like gelato (who doesn't like gelato?) you should probably pick up some of this.

heaven in a pint

Another one of my favorite things about the change of seasons is fall/wintery clothes.  Over here in the land of sunshine, that means light sweaters and scarves mostly for decoration.  I finally got around to dry cleaning the sweaters that really needed it, but when I got them back, I discovered something super sad. My absolutely favorite sweater appears to have been a snack for some moths or something in the last year, it has holes everywhere :(.  Of course I realized this while wearing it at work... not embarrassing at all lol.  I haven't had the heart to check the others yet, but I have a feeling that it might be time to go sweater shopping.  Apparently I need to invest in some moth balls too?

Despite the lack of cooler weather over here, it looks like we might finally experience some elsewhere.  Next week we're heading to the other side of the country to visit my in-laws in New York. I've been checking the weather and it doesn't look like we'll be seeing any snow, but at least we'll see some sort of season changing. We haven't been over there in a couple of years, so we're excited to get back there and see the Hubs's family again.  The plans we've made so far consist of nothing but hanging out with family and Hub's best friend, so I'm looking forward to the fun and relaxation.

Related to the change of seasons is the change of liturgical seasons!  Advent is just around the corner!  I cannot believe its already that time of year again.  I'm not sure what we're going to be doing to participate in the season, but we did get an advent wreath.  Actually, we kind of accidentally ended up with two advent wreaths, one more traditional:

and one with a nativity

It had to do with a little mix up with the amazon account. You see, we recently got amazon prime and switched over to both using the Hubs's account instead of each having our own (I haven't figured out how that's going to work with Christmas shopping yet).  I have learned that the Hubs only puts things into the cart when he actually wants to buy them (such a strange idea), while I tend to put things I want to consider buying (but probably never will) in there.  So of course, when Hubs went to purchase some things, he just bought the stuff I had in there too.  Lesson learned, and now I have a wishlist instead, lol. I think I'm going to keep one and give the other as a gift, but I haven't decided yet.  I don't know which one to keep, they're both beautiful!

Speaking of advent, another blogger is hosting advent prayer buddies.  I absolutely love the idea, have signed up, and think you should too!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

November 20, 2014

Participating in Suffering

I'm just going to preface this with saying, I don't know much, I don't have the deepest spiritual life (not even close), and I know there are many many more people whose suffering is much greater than mine. Just thinking about that makes me not want to write about the issue at all, who am I to write about suffering when I have things generally so good. At the same time, this blog is where I put stuff out there that I've been thinking about, so here goes nothing. Just know that I in know way mean to say that I think my suffering is equal to or greater than anyone else's, that I've figured out the meaning of anything, or that I understand anything really, haha.

That being said, I've been thinking a lot about suffering, trying to figure out some, if any, meaning behind it. What am I supposed to be learning, and if I do learn something, what am I supposed to do with that? *Spoiler alert*, I still have no idea. But I've started to get the feeling that its one of those things God is trying to tell me over and over again, but I just don't understand, not yet.

So the Hubs and I have started the Consecration to Jesus through Mary using 33 Days to Morning Glory. Its beautiful, it does challenge me to grow spiritual life, but that's a good thing. Anyways, the book spends a week on a holy person's devotion to Mary, and we just got to Mother Teresa. I had always heard that she had gone through a very long "dark night." Yesterday we read that she had realized that the dark night was a participation in Jesus's thirst for souls. Wow.

I've also mentioned that I get emails from Divine Mercy Daily with excerpts from Saint Faustina's diary. She suffered quite a bit, and Jesus taught her much about suffering. The emails have focused on this for some time, but there was something about today's:

"My daughter, know that if I allow you to feel and have a more profound knowledge of My sufferings, that is a grace from Me. But when your mind is dimmed and your sufferings are great, it is then that you take an active part in My Passion, and I am conforming you more fully to Myself. It is your task to submit yourself to My will at such times, more than at others ... (Diary, 1697)."

Now there is a lot to be taken away from that.  So much more than I can even think of right now.  However, one thing hit me in particular, that by suffering we're taking an active part in Christ's passion, and He is conforming us to Him. It made me think.  In my suffering I am longing for one child, one small soul, to enter our family.  Ok, maybe its more, maybe I hope for several children, but still.  That longing for just one, or maybe a few children causes so much pain.  And the inability to have them creates so much sorrow.  

God is also longing for people, the souls that haven't found Him, or have turned away from Him.  And these aren't hypothetical souls, these are souls He knit in their mother's womb, who He knows the number of every hair on their heads.  And its not just one, or a few, it could be millions, billions even.  And these are people He died for.  Can you imagine?  That pain caused by one hypothetical person missing, the longing for one small child, multiplied by millions, billions even?  I can't even begin to think of it.

So what am I supposed to do with that?  How do I become more like Christ?  How do I more actively unite my suffering with His?  And how do I bring good about with it?  Like I said at the beginning of this post, I have no idea.  But at least this is a start, something to think about, something to give some meaning to all the suffering?

November 16, 2014

Weddings are Hard

So I don't know if I'm the only one, but weddings are a huge trigger for me.  They all tend to follow the same pattern:  See the beautiful and moving ceremony, have fun at the reception, have a few drinks and dance my feet off, head home, then have a break down in the car until its time to go to sleep. Its happened like clockwork at all of the wedding we've been to since we've figured out we're infertile, though I didn't realize the pattern until after the wedding we went to last night.

Thinking about it, I think its caused by a combination of things.  It starts with the ceremony. I think Catholic wedding ceremonies are beautiful, and hearing the couples say their vows always takes me back to when we said those same words.  At the same time, little parts of the ceremony get me.  For example, the couple is asked "Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?" Those mentions of children are peppered throughout the mass. I believe it is beautiful, and should rightly be a part of the ceremony, a big part of marriage is being open to children.  However, each time it comes up, its a reminder of the children we would happily accept into our marriage but don't have.

Then we get to the reception.  You see how happy the new couple is, and I can't help but start to wonder what their future will be.  Will they have children?  Probably soon, sooner than us at least.  At some point in the night the bride and groom end up dancing with some of the babies or children, and that's when I start tearing up.

I'm normally a pretty guarded person, and tend to keep my emotions buried.  Unless I'm on medication that's making me crazy, or on here I guess, I don't talk to much about my feelings about our infertility.  Sure I talk about the fact that I'm infertile, and treatments and whatnot, but not really about how it all makes me feel, at least not very often.  But once you get a few drinks in me, as happens during weddings, especially those with open bars, the feelings start coming to the surface. And considering the fact that we only go to one or two weddings a year, that's a lot of feelings.

So by the time we get to the car, hotel room, or home I get sad and start talking about all the feelings and crying.  I feel sad about the children we don't have.  I feel bad about the fact that the Hubs would make such a good father, and so wants to be a father, and instead is stuck with me, who can't seem to be able to give him a child.  I think about I think about our future, what will it look like if we don't have kids? Will just the two of us be enough?  And so I sob and I sob until I exhaust myself and go to sleep. The poor Hubs is always taken off guard, but does his best to console me and is a complete sweet heart, but I'm sure its hard on him.

Now that I've reflected on all of this, and I've recognized the pattern, I'm determined that it won't happen at the next one I got to.  The next wedding I'm aware of is set for March, so at least I have time to prepare.  Now if I could just figure out how to do that...

November 12, 2014

The Calm Before the ... Surgery

So I know I've mentioned a few times that I have surgery coming up.  Its actually less than a month out now. Sorry if you're getting tired of hearing about it, its probably going to come up a few more times... but at least there's an end in sight?  My last cycle was our last medicated cycle before it. We gave Femera one last shot, and that didn't work out.  So now I'm taking a break from treatment.

I didn't actually stop everything.  I am still taking my medicine and supplements that are health related, just not the ones that are specifically ttc related.  So right now, I'm continuing with Metformin, as well as supplements dealing with PCOS and my MTHFR defect generally.  It is drastically less than I've been taking for the last four months, so that is pretty nice.

Emotionally its been a really good thing.  My strongest reaction to the fertility meds was emotional, I was a *little bit* crazy for those four months or so.  Its really nice to be off of that crazy train.   I do feel a lot more like myself, and at least one of my coworkers has mentioned that I'm more like myself too.  I had started to worry if the meds had permanently changed me somehow, and if I would always be overly emotional  Luckily, that's not the case.  I've actually been surprised at a number of situations that I haven't had an emotional reaction, where on the meds I would have been upset or sad.  Its weird when I start bracing myself for nothing, haha, but its  really nice to be level headed again, I really needed that.  And though he's been nothing but sweet and hasn't said anything, I think the Hubs needed me back too.

Physically, on the other hand, is a different story.  I don't know if my body just got used to the meds, or if its upset because of them, but things have not been great.  My cycle started off  like normal, but that brown bleeding that came back last cycle seems to have set in for the long haul. I'm on CD 13 and there's no sign of it letting up yet.  Talk about frustrating.  I have a call in to my doctor to see if we should treat it now or wait until after the surgery, I'm guessing the latter though.  My skin is also reacting badly.  I've been breaking out with random big painful zits since the beginning of the cycle.  For all of my PCOS symptoms, acne has always been the one I've been lucky enough to not have, so this is an unwelcome occurrence. Any ideas on how to treat it are welcome.  Just to round out the symptoms are some random cramping and sensations, severe stomach upset (though I think that's mostly a diet problem), and pre-peak  breast tenderness that I don't remember ever dealing with before, because why not. Needless to say, me and my body aren't particularly getting along right now.

I've also started to get a little anxious/apprehensive about the surgery.  Before I was introduced to NaPro, I was dead set against the idea of the ovarian wedge resection.  I mean, all I kept hearing about it was that it was an outdated procedure that led to scarring and did more bad than good.  After finding NaPro, I was a little worried that it seemed to be the go-to treatment for PCOS.  I've come to understand that NaPro techniques are different, help prevent scarring, and have great success rates.  I also have a lot of faith in my doctor.  She was open about the risks and benefits, and about her own track record with the surgery, which is great, so I really feel good about her abilities.

Its just that, although I've been fortunate to have a couple people generously email with me about their experiences, I'm still constantly googling the procedure to try to find more out.  Unfortunately, there isn't much online about it other than the aforementioned negative stuff.  If it isn't negative stuff, its surgery pictures and, excuse my immature reaction but, yick!  I've always been pretty squeamish, like fainting at blood tests (though that hasn't happened in a while luckily), and the time I passed out because my sister told me that she cut her finger, I'll never live that down. So just the idea of being cut up, with the wonderful visuals I've gotten from google is... unsettling.  And the thought that I need to be cut up in order to be fixed is weird too.

Right now its pretty easy to dwell on all of this because I don't have a lot going on.  Luckily, in about a week we're about to get pretty busy, what with travelling and the holidays coming up, so hopefully I'll be so occupied I won't have much time to think about it all. 

November 3, 2014

Little Happies- Eight!

Linking up with Stephanie @ Blessed to Be for another Little Happies Monday!


After a long, drawn-out, summer that was was refusing to end, its finally feeling like fall!  This weekend the temperature finally dipped below the 70s/80s, and we even got some rain!  Now there's that cold snap in the air that comes along with the season change, I love it!  I'm just hoping it doesn't get hot again.


I mentioned on Friday I really wanted to get my dogs Halloween costume but decided against it.  Well considering that its now fall, I did decide to get hem something slightly  more practical.  They got matching sweaters!  I think they look just adorable.  Again I apologize for the bad picture quality, but these guys just didn't want to sit still! (and ignore the tv remote on the couch lol)


Last Christmas my parents gave us a two night hotel stay as a present.  This weekend we finally used it, and it was perfect! We got in on Halloween which was great because we avoided having to deal with trick or treaters (I just wasn't feeling it this year) and there was barely anyone else at the hotel that night.

We had a great fireside dinner, with the hotel restaurant basically to ourselves.

cozy dinner

And then, being the old people we apparently are, we fell asleep right after that at like 9.  Apparently we really needed some sleep, haha.

Saturday we got to pick up some wine from our favorite winery

Isn't the Hubs a great wine model?

After that we headed back to the hotel, rested up, then went out for a nice long walk along the ocean at sunset.  It was gorgeous!

And we even got to see some seals!

cute but stinky, lol

The next day we headed home, though we stopped by a microbrewery  to pick up some awesome beer on the way home.  

We were exhausted when we got home, but it was a great, and much needed, get away (even dealing with CDs 1-3 couldn't get me down).

That's all I've got for now.  Thanks for stopping by!