August 12, 2015

I Just Want It To Be Over

Like I mentioned in my last post, there's part of me that was relieved to find out I wasn't ovulating.  Why? Well, lets wind back a few days.

Saturday night the Hubs and I sat at a fancy dinner for our preemptive anniversary celebration. I was trying hard not to bring the infertility/medical treatment topic up, because I usually ruin special events by bringing our issues up and then getting all emotional about them.  I can't help it, it's just what I do.  So of course, despite my best intentions, I finally brought it up (though I think it was at least after our appetizer).

We started to talk about what to do going forward. I hadn't been feeling good for a while, what with side effects from meds and supplements and all, and wasn't sure if I could take another cycle on that particular mix. (This was before my latest cycle review that, well, simplified the options.) The Hubs suggested that we take a break the next cycle.  This isn't the first time he's made that suggestion, its been something we've talked about quite a bit over the last few months as the side effects have gotten more and more difficult to deal with.  The idea of it is nice, and I do think it would be good for me, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.  I'm a very stubborn person.

But this time, before I had really even though of my response, I blurted out "I don't want to take a break, I just want it to be over with." I hadn't really even thought about it that much, but I guess that is a big part of why I didn't want to take a break.  Taking a break isn't really just stopping it all.  It just means maintaining for a while then jumping back into it all full swing again.  The thought of that is about as exhausting as keeping up with the status quo.

All I've wanted from the begging of this journey, other than you know, a child, has been to know when and how it'll end.  Such a simple wish right?  I know there wouldn't likely be any answering of that, but hey, I could hope.  I'm the kind of person that hates suspense in the first place, for anything.  Apply it to my own life, and it gets 100 x worse.

If the suspense wasn't bothering me enough, there's also the toll infertility has taken on my life.  To say it has thrown thing for a loop would be a giant understatement.  It's more like it turned my life on spin cycle.  It's a never ending merry go round of tests, diagnoses, procedures, more tests, side effects, and emotions.  It's impacted every area of my life, and changed who I am, in both good and bad ways. That's all a really long way of saying that its exhausting.  Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausting.  With no end in sight.

I think that's why I've kept plugging along without rest, I just keep hoping to get to the end, one way or another. Whether that's a baby in our arms, or knowing for once and for all that it just isn't going to happen.  Choosing to keep going gives me some false sense of control, like I actually have a say in what happens (hah), and that taking one step will get us closer to the end.

I think that's why the news on Monday was somewhat of a relief.  Even though it means one more thing didn't work... it also means one more step closer to the end of this journey. As hard as it is to face that the end might not be us being parents... it's comforting to think that some day my life might not revolve around medical treatment again.

August 10, 2015

Cycle Reviews 9 & 10

Hi! Yes, I'm still alive, just haven't had much time on my hands, still pretty busy over here.  I thought I'd stop by and update on the latest cycle review though.  I don't know if you noticed, but last month there wasn't a cycle review.  That actually wasn't my fault, my doctor had the audacity (lol) to take a vacation.  So now you you get two cycle reviews in one, lucky you!

It actually works out pretty well, because the last two cycles were pretty similar.  Same old same old with the clomid and progesterone shots and tons of supplements in between. The side effects of, well, some of the many possible things really kicked up though.  I had nonstop headaches pre-peak (think going to sleep and waking up with headaches for at least a week, ugh) then post peak nausea that made me plan my walking routes but what trash cans I could stop by if necessary (luckily was never necessary). So... that was fun.. if you call barely functioning fun.

I noticed that pre-peak my mucus quality was pretty poor, even though I was on ALL the mucus enhancers, and post-peak I lost all my dry days I had been gaining. Then I got some results from my first round of blood tests and ultrasounds and I couldn't quite interpret them, but I knew they weren't improvements.

So I didn't have a great feeling when my doctor led with  "Let's talk about your ultrasounds. Well...your lining looked good."  Unfortunately, my estradiol level hinted and my ultrasounds confirmed that I didn't ovulate either of the last two months.  Apparently, even after the surgery my body has decided to become clomid resistant, because it's awesome like that. My progesterone levels were ok, but basically just showed that the shots are doing their job.

So, on the plus side, no more clomid.  I was really starting to hate that stuff. On the downside, we're on to the last option we're certain we'll try.  Next month we'll give letrezole (femera) a shot. If that doesn't work, we might move on to injectibles, but the cost still looks prohibitive, so we've decided we'll cross that bridge if/when we get there.

I'm handling it, well, ok.  On the one hand, its pretty upsetting to know that only 6 months after surgery my ovaries stopped working again.  Shouldn't they come with like at least a one year warranty or something?  And to know we only got one month to try where I ovulated and my hormone levels were good and that didn't work out is pretty sad too.  I had started to take the whole ovulating thing for granted, and now I don't know if we'll be able to get my body to ovulate again.  It's crazy how quickly things change.

On the other hand, I'm a little bit relieved.  It's not just because of the no more clomid thing either. Part of me really wants to see this journey come to an end, one way or another.  But that's a complicated bundle of emotions I'll unravel in another post (yes, I am trying to bribe myself to write another post).

In other news, my cramps have also gotten pretty bad the first day or two of my cycle. Like shooting from my lower back down to my knees bad. When I mentioned it to my doctor she said that, since she didn't find any endometriosis, it's probably from inflammation.  So she suggested I try going gluten free to see if it helps.  Yikes, that calls for a major diet overhaul (which lately has consisted mostly of fast food). But I think I might just give it a shot.  I'll be posting about it in the future if I do.

So, I guess I'll see you on the flip side, when we find out if the letrezole worked or if my ovaries have permanently gone on strike.