December 21, 2015

Cycle Reviews 12, 13, and 14

Well, with my absence from here, I didn't update with the last few cycle reviews.  Since they've been pretty much the same,  I might as well lump them all into one

All of the cycles were more of the same routine- taking letrezole (femera) in the same amount with post peak progesterone shots.  Over the months I have gotten worse about taking my supplements, other than the essentials. Which actually kind of turned into a good thing,  I noticed my CM is way better when I don't take the supplements supposed to help it, go figure.  And while I started being really awesome on my paleo diet, I kind of fell off the bandwagon in the last month or so. 

The results of the cycles were pretty much the same, ovulation confirmed, lining good, and hormone levels ok.  Though this last cycle my levels weren't awesome like they had been the previous two months.  I'm convinced that's due to my failure at paleo, considering everything else was the same.  At least that's good motivation to get back on it.  My side effects has been pretty minimal.  The nausea that had been plaguing me post peak is gone for the most part. I still have pre-peak headaches and some emotionalness, but not nearly as bad as it had been. My pmsing is only bad for a day or two, and the cramping is mostly nonexistent, so yay for that.

Despite everything working and hormones being good, I'm still not pregnant.  My doctor doesn't have many explanations, other than possible egg quality or implantation problems.  And apparently neither of those are things that can be tested for, so it's pretty much  just a guessing game at this point.  To try to target any possible egg quality issue, I'm going to start taking small hcg injections pre-peak next cycle. The treatments for implantation problems are pricey, so we're not trying those yet.

I feel like we're in unexplained infertility territory now, though my doctor hasn't said anything about that.  Although I have a bunch of diagnoses, we're treating them all, and the treatments appear to be effective.  Yet we're still not getting pregnant.  There has to be some other issue or explanation, but I don't know what it is, and I don't know if there's any way to find out.  I hate the uncertainty, but there's not really anything I can do about it.  So very frustrating.  Oh well, I guess we'll see how the hcg goes next month. 

December 19, 2015


I have a confession to make.  I have totally been avoiding you.  Well not you really, just this blog. Sorry about that. Really, I've been trying to avoid infertility in general.  I don't think it was a conscious effort at first.  I really did get incredibly busy with work and didn't have as much free time on my hands as before.  But at some point I realized I was trying to keep myself as busy as possible to avoid thinking about infertility as much as possible.

The last couple years have been so difficult, such an emotional roller coaster with starting  treatment, then having surgery, then more treatment. It was overwhelming, all encompassing.   But then I got the new job (not so new anymore, being over 6 months in), and I didn't want to let anyone know about my IF issues, unlike my last job where I was an open book.  I thought it would be just too awkward to explain to a new employer and coworkers that I was trying to get pregnant, but don't worry about it because it probably won't happen.  Then we found a treatment that more or less "worked" (as in, got me ovulating and hormones leveled, not pregnant), and so I became a little less anxious about what our next step would be. And then the infertility ministry we tried to start in the last year more or less failed.  And most people stopped asking about treatment and how it was going after getting the same answer so many times.  So infertility was no longer encompassing every part of my life.  I was able to stick it in a small compartment and avoid it for the most part.  And so I did.

Except I can't avoid it all the time.  It still hurts every month that I get a negative test and start a new cycle.  Perhaps even more so now that everything is "working" and has been for months, yet still no pregnancy. And I still have doctors appointments and blood tests every month, and medicines and supplements to take every day.  And every big holiday or milestone that passes still feels like a punch in the gut, to pass once again with no child on the way or in our arms.   On those days like today (the first day of another cycle and the 5 year anniversary of our engagement) I realize I can't stick it all in a compartment, and I could still use the outlet and community that this blog provides.

It just so happens that this time it fell on a day that I actually had some spare time.  So... that resulted in my first post in months.  That's where I've been and what's been going on for the most part.  I'm hoping to start stopping by here more often... but we'll see.