Infertility Is Just A...

Legitimate Medical Issue. Ok, for some of you, that'a a no-brainer.  And I really hope it is for most of you. I talked about this a little bit during Infertility Awareness Week, but I thought I'd go into a little more detail.

Lately, for a number of reasons, we've been more open about our infertility journey. A lot of the time we've been met with love and support.  Other times, however, I've been met with some comments that make me work reallly hard on holding my tongue and being charitable.  Like when I was told that maybe what I need to do is stop all treatment and get a teddy bear.  Or to get a puppy. Or to "just" adopt, or "just" relax.

This most recently happened this morning, when my phlebotomist imparted some of the above "wisdom" on me. Now, ordinarily I would probably say something, but I have a policy about not making people who are stabbing me in the arm upset at me. So, instead of saying something, I just stewed and decided I would just get it out here instead.

The truth is, I am tired of being told, whether directly or indirectly, on purpose or not, that infertility is my fault.  Yes, there are things I can do to try to make it better, but in the end, I did not cause this or do something to deserve this.  Yet that's what people are saying to me when they say just relax, just stop thinking about it, just do this, that, or the other thing.  They are saying that, in their eyes, I'm doing something wrong, and if I "just" did one right thing, everything would be fine.  And much of the time, what I'm being told that I'm doing wrong is seeking medical treatment, for my legitimate medical condition!  Really!  When I hear "you're trying too hard", "stop focusing on it" or "just let go and let God", I hear that I am being told to not worry about or treat my medical issue! One that not only effects my fertility, but my overall health.

Stop and think for a minute.  Would any other medical condition ever be treated like that?  You have cancer? Oh, you should stop chemo, you're trying too hard, you should just take a nap.  Have diabetes? Oh, don't worry about insulin, just go have a drink and forget about your issues.  Have pneumonia?  Forget about antibiotics, just go take a vacation! Can you imagine anyone saying any of those things, and then giving themselves a pat on the back for being helpful? I can't.  Yet people do that ALL. THE. TIME with infertility.

I'm really tired of my medical issues being down played.  On top of that, I'm tired of people telling me to laugh off those comments as "well-meaning." I'm tired of telling myself that these are just society's misconceptions that I have to accept.

I have plenty enough to deal with on a daily basis, like regular life events that make me want to cry or keeping a happy face on when I'm dealing with pills, shots, side effects, symptoms, and soreness.  I don't want to be expending more energy that I don't have on making other people feel better.

So, what should happen instead?  Well, I covered some of it here before, so I won't reiterate those. However, beyond those basics, my biggest wish is that people stop treating infertility like just a minor inconvenience, or making people feel like they're at fault. I don't mean that I want to be met with pity or sadness.  But it would be nice to, you know, be asked how I'm doing, have the difficulty acknowledged, or have a shoulder to lean on.

And of course, It would be great to have people think before they speak, to have people consider what the words they are using are saying.  Are they actually comforting and helpful?  Even better would be people informing those around them, correcting the misconceptions and common platitudes before they reach another person, in a kind manner of course.  If we can start there, maybe we can start chipping away at the shame and fault that those experiencing infertility shouldn't, but do, feel.

What do you think? What would you like to see people do?

Infertility Awareness Week: The Care and Keeping of an Infertile Friend

I feel like I've seen a lot of these types of posts, what to do and not do, or say and not say, and they're probably much more thoughtful and well written than mine (This one is my favorite so far this week).  Also, the last post of a Catholic Perspective of Infertility covered this much more thoroughly. However, as there seems to be a bit of confusion among people, so I thought I'd add my two cents.  So here's my take on the care and keeping of me, as your infertile friend.*

What Not To Do:

Just a little note on these: I do get that people are human, and I try to assume they are well-meaning as often as I can (unless there is obvious malice, which is very uncommon).  I won't hold it against you if you do one of these things, but you may get an earful on why you should not going forward.  So I'm saving the time and getting it out of the way in advance :).

1. Give Unsolicited Advice (With Judgment).  This one might be personal preference, but it certainly applies to me.  I've been researching infertility for years now, actually for ten years, since I learned I have PCOS.  I know what's available, what works for me (not much), what doesn't (almost everything), and what I am or am not willing to try.  Offering me advice when I'm not asking for any (i.e "You have to do acupuncture", "I just heard of this vitamin...", "You should do IVF/IUI/ surrogacy") is really not necessary.  At minimum, it's redundant, and at worst it brings up painful memories of failed treatments, or is offensive to my morals.  It only adds insult to injury if you are then upset/judgmental/giving the stink eye when I dismiss the idea as something I'm not into right now, and it is only creating a larger burden on me.

2. Say Unhelpful Things.  There are definitely better lists compiling these.  Go here and here for some of the worst offenders. For me, these are the absolutely worst:

• "Just Relax." Actually, relaxing won't help my medical problem. Would you tell that to a cancer patient? (One time someone actually answered yes to that though)
• "Maybe God doesn't want you pregnant right now," "just let go and let God," basically anything along the lines of suggesting that the speaker knows God's will or that God is doing this to me. God is all good, not evil. Infertility is not inherently good, but an evil, it is a disease.  God is not causing me this evil, but He can choose to bring good out of it, one way or another.  Here's my favorite post addressing this. Main point is though, only He knows what He's doing, so it's best not to suggest that you do.
• "Just adopt" or "once you'll adopt you'll get pregnant." Adoption is a long, oftentimes expensive, and difficult process.  It is a calling of it's own, and there is no "just" to it.  Statistically speaking, the second statement is untrue, regardless of how many anecdotes you've heard.  Adoption is not an infertility treatment, will not heal the wounds of infertility, or the pain of knowing that my body doesn't work. And children through adoption are not lesser than children that join the family through conception as the latter statement implies.
• "You're so young" and/or "you have plenty of time." Something along these lines was said to me by the nurse, in post op, right after my ovarian wedge resection.  I couldn't believe someone could be so insensitive.  I guess it could be meant to be reassuring, but it really has the opposite effect.  I might be in my 20s, but that does not mean that I "have plenty of time."  If I can't get pregnant while I'm young, in my more "fertile" years (hah), and if fertility declines with age (as it does), imagine what will happen as I get older (more of nothing, I guess).  

Bottom line, all of these are unhelpful, and can be deeply hurtful.  Put some consideration to what you're going to say before you say it.

3. Force Interaction. 9 times out of 10, I will see friends when I might not be feeling like it because I value friendship more than my own discomfort.  Many times I have gone to see friends, knowing I will end up crying in the car on the way home, and curling up with my husband and a bottle of wine the rest of the night (I wish that was hyperbole).  However, there are times I have to avoid people and situations when I know I can't emotionally handle it.  So, if I'm trying to gracefully back out of something, please be understanding.  Along the same line, please don't force me to do anything (like fell the baby kick, hold a baby, change a diaper, etc.) because "I need practice" or the like.  If I'm feeling comfortable with that kind of thing, I'll offer.  If I haven't offered, or I've already turned down your offer once, please let it be. I'm doing my best to hold myself together.

4. Avoid or Exclude Me. This might at first seem contradictory to the above, but it isn't really.  Like I said above, I value my friendships over my own issues most of the time, unless I'm really in a place of mental/emotional/physical distress.  I don't want to be left out of your life just because we are in different places, like you being single, pregnant, or having children.  I will take alone time or back out of events if I need to, but most of the time I will not, so feel free to talk to me and invite me to what you have going on in your life.

5. Pity Me.  I am no fan of pity.  You and I both know when you are saying things out of pity rather than out of care or friendship. For example, if you're in the middle of a conversation about children, don't ask me about my dogs, or worse, tell your child to ask me about my dogs (again, this might be a personal preference thing).  I know my dogs are the only thing I have experience raising, but even I know dogs aren't the same as children (Just don't look at my pile of dog toys or doggie wardrobe). It's clearly pity and trying to fit me into a conversation that I just don't fit into. So, pity, just don't.  It's not helpful.

That being said, there are some basic things that will help our relationship:

What to Do:

1. Be Understanding and Supportive.  Instead of suggesting what to do by way of treatment, adoption, or whatever, be supportive.  If what I am doing is in the moral bounds of the church (if you have doubts, feel free to bring it up, I can quote the catechism for you), please just be supportive, know this action (or inaction) has taken a lot of deliberation, and know that my husband and I are doing what we think is right for us right now.

2. Listen.  Carrying the burden of infertility alone gets difficult.  Sometimes I could use some help in carrying the burden, and you can help by just listening and being there. Heaven knows my husband is probably tired of hearing about it and could use some reprieve too.

3. Do Something Thoughtful.  Look, attending baby showers, newborn hospital visits, and baptisms can be painful with infertility.  Heck, even weddings can be hard. I love celebrating with you, and believe that every new life deserves to be celebrated, but these events are also reminders of my pain and failures. They also remind me of how very few people send anything or visit me when I have procedures, surgery, or am having a bad day.  I know, it might stem from envy, and comparison is bad, but being forgotten hurts.  It doesn't have to be a big gesture, just asking how I'm doing, or giving me a hug, cup of coffee, and/or bottle of wine (are you sensing a theme here?) would be so nice.  Actually, the best thing you could possibly do is redirect me or a conversation when it's obvious that I can't handle a situation anymore, and that comes for free!

4. Let me know I have value.  For anyone dealing with infertility, knowing your body doesn't work the way it is supposed to is hard to deal with.  It can be heartbreaking, and it can make you feel worthless (though that is not true of course).  This is even more highlighted when you are single/pregnant/have children and I am/do not.  Don't shut me out, but let me know my friendship means something to you, and that I have some value. Even if I can't commiserate about dating/pregnancy/ raising kids, I can listen (and I'll try my best to not compare them to my dogs).

5. Pray.  It might seem uncomfortable, but offering to pray for the situation (and following up on that) is always comforting and helpful, even if it seems awkward.  You don't even have to pray that I will have a baby, just for comfort, strength, guidance, or whatever (Not patience though, that one always backfires on me). If you don't pray, offer good thoughts or something.  It's the thought that counts.  (Well not really, but it's a start!)

*Experiences of infertility vary widely, so I make no claims that these apply to everyone, or anyone else, just me. Also, I do get the irony that this is an anonymous blog, and won't actually be shared with my friends "In Real Life" but what can you do.

So This Is The New Year

I know I've been a little quiet over here, especially after such a talkative December. There are several reasons, though in large part, there's just been a lot going on!  We rang in the New Year at a friend's cabin in the nearby mountains.  Once we figured out how to get the chains on our tires (read: paid someone else to do it) and were able to get up the mountain, it was great.  We had some good champagne, played some fun board games, and played in the snow.  I have learned however that me and the cold aren't friends... I came back a little bruised after some slips and falls in the ice and snow. But all in all it was a fun trip!

New year's kiss :)

After we got back, I got together with some close friends.  One enlisted me a while back to help plan a baby shower for one of the others, which is tomorrow.  The mom to be of honor is one of the nicest people I know and has been my friend since high school.  She's also been the model of how a pregnant woman should treat an infertile woman, like trying to give me a heads up before the public announcement and not forcing pregnancy talk all the time, which has made it easier for me to be excited for her.  So I am looking forward to the shower, and I'm glad I've been able to keep myself busy with preparations leading up to it.

like baking many cupcakes of various flavors and sizes

At the same time, I was trying to find her a card, and couldn't even get through looking at one without wanting to cry.  And as much as my friend is wonderful, I can't vouch for how other people will be, including one of the other organizers that just found out she's unexpectedly pregnant this week.  Oh, and it looks like good old Aunt Flow should be showing up tomorrow, always good timing on her part.  So I am definitely nervous.  How this shower goes will gauge whether or not I got to the second one, which will be much bigger, being held for her in two weeks... I'm glad I get a practice run at least.

In non baby related news, I've also had a bit of a setback/push forward at work.  After I was long promised a raise if a certain condition was fulfilled, I finally did my part, and was then informed by my boss that, although I deserve a raise, the money just isn't there for it right now.  Considering the fact that I'm paid quite a bit lower than what the going rate for what I do is (nearly half), that wasn't fun to hear.  It also wasn't welcome because I was kind of relying on the raise to help out our current financial situation which, although it isn't dire, it isn't great either.  The positive side is that its the push I needed to get serious about finding another job.  As much as I like my job, there isn't really any room for growth (or raises apparently), so its time I found somewhere with the potential to help my career... with decent pay and maybe even benefits would be nice too.  I've started applying around.  The last few times I've tried, I haven't gotten so much as a decent interview... hoping things go differently this time.

I'm also hitting a point of being fed up with my weight (ignore the above pictured cupcakes).  I gained the 10 pounds I had lost in the fall back after the surgery.  I'm pretty close to my highest weight ever and nothing really fits comfortably, so I know I have to do something.  I just haven't really decided what yet. I like paleo, but its so time consuming to cook all the time, its hard for me to keep up with.  The Hubs is adamantly against it for that reason, lol.  I'm also considering giving weight watchers another (I think its 5th or 6th now) try.  Its really the only diet I've been able to stick with for any substantial amount of time.  And they have some new personal coaching thing.  But, the cost is kind of prohibitive at this point (see bad financial situation mentioned above).  So... I guess we'll see.  Any votes or advice on this front are appreciated :).

So see, a lot of stuff going on, considering we're only 10 days into the new year.  Hoping 2015 is a good one for all of you!