April 16, 2015

When God Says No

Wrestling with God's will is something I've been doing a lot of lately, both with trying to figure it out and trying to accept what He's given me (probably something I'll always struggle with).  I've been thinking about how listening to Him is a lot easier when He shows his will through yeses and open doors.  That's how He worked with me most of the time, for most of my life, up until recently really.  When there was something I clearly needed to do, the doors would swing wide open, with neon signs lighting the way.  Where to go to college, where to go to law school, who to marry, where to work, all brightly lit open doors.

One of my favorite examples is our story, it was one thing after another that brought the Hubs and I together.  Another is how I chose law school.  I applied on the very last day, to only one law school, and it was a long shot considering my average gpa and lsat score. Yet I got in, got a scholarship on top of that, and really excelled once I started.  I felt deep down in my heart that it was what I was meant to do.  I took for granted how easy it all was.

Lately, instead of yeses I've been getting nos, and lots of them.  The most spectacular example is in regards to a job I was interviewing for lately.  Everything was smooth sailing, I was onto the third interview, references checked, everything teed up for the move.  I wasn't sure if it was the right choice, but I knew I would take it regardless. So I asked God to throw up barriers if this wasn't the job I was supposed to take, and the barriers came pouring down.  The final step was one last phone interview... which was cancelled 8 times over two weeks.  I asked my contact if this was happening to everyone. "No, just to you" was her reply.  Finally, the day before yet another rescheduled call, I was informed that the position had been filled (there were three available positions when this all started).  

Clearly, that job was not meant to be, as much as I really would have liked the move (and the pay). I don't know why, all I know is that He said no.  And that's been the interviewing process all along, one no after another, four months in a row, exhausting.  The problem is, the same thing keeps happening at my current job, every time I ask for something that would make it more livable, and that would make it easier to pay my bills, the answer is no. I don't get it.

That's obviously been the answer in our infertility journey so far as well.  Every new cycle feels like another no, or at the very least, not now.  I've even asked for clarity, over and over again, if no to this, then what do you want, what are we supposed to do?  But I don't feel like there's been a clear answer yet, or maybe I'm not listening.  I once felt certain that medical treatment was the right road for us, and that God had led us to this doctor, and I guess I still do, but what's the point if the answer is always going to be no?

Its hard to wait, and accept no as the answer over and over again. I try to trust, I do, but its hard.  People say that when God closes a door he opens a window, but I don't see the window yet, just one closing door after another. 

I was thinking about it the other day, and wondering if I'm just kind of on hold, waiting for the right pieces to fall into place.  Perhaps other people need to do other things for my puzzle to come together, if that makes any sense.  Like dating, in a way I guess.  

I remember when I was single how upset I was that no one had come along, how sad each failed romantic endeavor was.  Oh the stories I could tell you about some of the breakups, or failures to even get off the ground.  I went to a small catholic college, a lot of people met there and married right after graduation (sometimes even before).  Watching everyone couple up, I felt passed by, alone.  Looking back it makes sense.  There was no way the Hubs and I were going to run into each other earlier, being from two opposite sides of the country.  The timing was just right.  Everything fell into place, and it took all the previous nos to get there.  But looking forward without knowing what the future held was painful.

I suppose that is similar to the situation I'm in now.  The difference is, that was one part of my life, I still was able to move forward in other areas, like school.  Right now it just feels like everything is on hold, I'm waiting to move forward in so many areas of my life, and I've been unable to do anything about it.  Its a frustrating situation.

 Maybe someday I'll look back and it'll all make sense.  Maybe I'll see how God perfectly lined everything up.  Right now, its just feeling like a lot of doors slammed in my face, which is painful.  I hope one day I'll be able to say it was all worth it.


  1. It is so hard trying to hear and know what we're supposed to do! I keep hoping and praying that at the very least there will be peace associated with the right choice.

    1. That's so true. When I don't know what else to do, or don't understand what is happening, I always try to remember to at least ask for peace.

  2. Maybe it'll take until heaven, but I hope it will be clear someday. I've been thinking a lot lately about what this space in my life is supposed to be used for, why God is creating this place where I have time and energy to venture outside the home.

    1. I do sometimes wish he would move in less mysterious ways, and maybe let us in on the plan, lol. But I guess He knows what He's doing, even if it takes some time for us to figure out. I hope He leads you to the answer to your question.

  3. It's amazing how quickly things can move and how obvious they can be when God is opening the doors. It's equally amazing how quiet and confusing it is when He says no. Not that it's all bad, but it's certainly hard.