November 12, 2012

What I want to gain...

     For the good new of the day... drum roll please... I've lost another 2 pounds, bringing my total weight loss to 16 pounds!  Although I've got a ways to go, things are going pretty well I'd like to think!  I'm already seeing and feeling the changes. A little voice in the back of my head tells me that on other diets I've lost 15 pounds in two weeks, but I know I'm making the right choices, and setting myself up for a healthy lifestyle (and to never have to crash diet again :) ),

    So the topic for this week's meeting (aside from the activelink which I want sooo badly) was "your reasons for losing," which I think it an appropriate topic for my second post.  Why do I want to lose weight? well there's a million reasons, but I for today, here's the top five (in no particular order):

1. I want to be healthy

     I know, so specific and non cliche, but seriously.  One of my biggest motivating factors to join weight watchers was how unhealthy I was.  I can't say I'm really healthy yet, but at least I'm working on getting better.    I knew what my BMI meant, and it scared me.  I was in denial about being obese for some time, but I couldn't hide from it anymore.  At a doctor's visit, my blood pressure came up higher than normal.  At the time I brushed it off, but I'll bet it had something to do with my weight. 

     I also have a hormonal condition, PCOS, which is a big part of wanting to be healthier.  It not only makes it easier to gain weight, but gets worse when you gain more (talk about a vicious cycle).  Over the past year I've noticed symptoms that I never had before show up, and the ones I did have become more pronounced.   PCOS also puts me at about a 50% chance of developing diabetes.  My grandmother lived with my family for 9 years, and I saw how much she suffered with diabetes, I don't want to go through that too.  I could spend a whole post about PCOS and the role it plays in my life, but long story short, PCOS makes losing weight to get healthy even more important.

2. I want to fit

     The easiest way to tell if you're gaining or losing weight (other than looking at the scale) is how clothes fit... and mine just weren't fitting. I've always tried to motivate myself to to lose weight by not allowing myself to go clothes shopping when I'm at a size I'm not happy with.  Problem with that is... when you're gaining weight, at some point you have to buy new clothes.  When I went job hunting and got a new job in May, I allowed myself to buy some new clothes because I needed to look professional... and none of my professional clothes fit anymore.  But by October, I couldn't even fit in the new suit I bought, and the shirts that weren't loose fitting had been hanging in the closet for a while... I couldn't get them to button around my stomach :(.  

     But clothes aren't the only things I wasn't fitting into.  This summer I took two trips that involved flights.In May the seats were snug, and by August I wasn't comfortable unless the armrest was up and I was hogging some of my hubby's space (poor guy).  Fairs and theme parks terrify me.  I don't even want to know what trying to fit in a ride would be like.  So yea... I want to fit.

     The good news is, its already getting better! Just about two weeks ago I decided to try on one of my retired shirts, and it fit! My suit pants are also back on, and comfortable!  They aren't cutting into my stomach and squeezing the life out of me!  Its a small step, and I can't wait to be hitting smaller sizes, but I'm so happy that I can already feel change!

3. I want to feel better

     This ties in with all the others, but I really just want to feel better, physically and mentally.  At my highest weight, physical activity was getting pretty difficult.  Standing for more than 10 or 15 minutes was really uncomfortable.  When I traveled, my legs, ankles and feet got ridiculously swollen and painful.  Squeezing into tight clothes is not only embarrassing, but it hurts too.  I had aches and pains everywhere.  I knew I was too young to feel that old.

     I want to feel more confident and proud of myself.  Being obese is embarrassing.  Its hard for me to see friends or even go out in public because of how I look.  I'll notice when I'm the heaviest person in the room... not to mention that I'm the heaviest person in my office (California... apparently everybody's healthy here, haha). I always will volunteer to take pictures and shy away from cameras because I don't want other people seeing what I look like, or face it myself.

     Luckily, things are starting to get better on this front too.  The hubby and I have started taking our puppy on walks, and while I still get embarrassed at how winded I get on the last uphill stretch, it gets better each time.  Standing isn't so uncomfortable or difficult anymore.  Although I'm still aware of how big I am, people have started to notice and comment that I'm looking better.  Although strangers might not know, people I see frequently know that I'm trying, and that its working, and that's a little confidence boost in itself.

4. I want to be a better wife

     Don't get me wrong, the hubby has never made any negative comments about my weight, and has been nothing but supportive (he seriously is the best hubby ever).  But I can't help but feel bad when I think about the fact that I was 70 to 80 pounds lighter when I met him, that's hard for me to even think about.  I want to look like that girl who attracted him in the first place again! I want to be more physically fit so we can go off on adventures without me complaining or slowing us down.  And I want to be healthy so we can live a long happy life together!

     He already is being so supportive with weight watchers too.  He went grocery shopping by himself the other day, and picked up healthy food, and even got food with the weight watchers points already on it to make my life easier.  He's so amazing, I'm so glad I have his support and help!

5.  I want to be a better bridesmaid

     Last but not least, a good friend of mine from high school is getting married in the spring, and she asked me to be a bridesmaid.  I'm so honored that I get to be a part of her day!  But being a bridesmaid comes with wearing a nice dress and lots of pictures.  I really don't want to be that one girl that's twice the size of the other bridesmaids (seriously they all could be models :) ), that's just embarrassing to everyone involved.  And lets not even talk about trying on bridesmaid dresses when you're the only one who can't fit in the samples... while they're too big on everyone else.  I feel even worse because I know my discomfort when it comes to my size comes off as a bad mood and takes from everyone else's fun.

     I realize  that I'm not got to be a perfect size 2 or 4 by the wedding (or most likely ever).  But I know I can look decent enough to not stand out for all the wrong reasons, and to be healthy enough to keep up with all the activities of the day!

So that's my top five list!  Here's to another good week!

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