Back when we were talking about preparing for lent, I came up with some pretty good ideas for what I was going to do. They covered all the categories and ensured that I would have a fruitful lent (not that I said that in the post, but I may have been thinking it). Well, here I am, a little over halfway through lent, and it is so not going as planned. Some things failed a few days in (or the first day, like when we went out for pizza after Ash Wednesday mass) and some never got off the ground. The one thing I have stuck with is praying the rosary on my way to work on the weekdays, if half distractedly listening to a rosary CD counts. But you know what, I've realized that I'm ok with it.
This lent has been difficult in a lot of ways, with work and the unsuccessful job hunt, my personal life at times, and with treatment, side effects, and failed cycles. Its been a battle most days to make it through without being bitter, angry, envious, or giving up. I don't always win them, but I try to bring these battles to prayer, and acknowledge that I still believe in God's goodness regardless of these trials (as trivial as they may be), that I won't give up on Him, as much as the devil tries to tempt me or whisper lies in my ear.
To be clear, it hasn't been all bad, or even that bad compared to probably most other people, just difficult for me. And there have been plenty of moments of good. As I sit here on a sunny Saturday morning in my pajamas drinking coffee watching the silly dogs and Hubs run around, life seems pretty great actually. I'm trying to learn to savor these moments and to be thankful for them as they come along as well.
I think for right now that that's enough. Or at least its all I can take, and I think God understands. Maybe its even God teaching me that He has his own plans for my lent. I'll admit I didn't pray about what He wanted me to do, I kind of just came up with what sounded good to me. So who knows.
Going forward though I would like to kick my participation in the sacraments a notch. I know it definitely couldn't hurt, haha, and would more than likely help. I can use all the extra back up I can get. I have literally driven in circles deciding whether or not to go to adoration and confession (there's a great abbey nearby me that offers both every day) and I always come up with some excuse not to go and heading home instead. I need to work on getting past that. So I think that is one thing I do need and want to focus on in what remains of lent, though again, I'm not setting any solid goals or quotas here. Here's hoping I can.
How has your lent been going so far?
Prayers for your fertility journey. I'm almost a year in to the injections to balance my cycle and still no baby. Praying for you during this time of waiting.ReplyDelete
Thank you for stopping by. I'm sorry that you are dealing with infertility too, I'll be praying for you as well!Delete
I'm with you that this Lent has been a different one for me. There are certain things that I like to do each Lent that I didn't do this year. (Like give up TV and sweets. Cliché, I know, but it's usually really good for me.) I agree with the gist of what you are saying in this post. This Lent has really felt like it's been about allowing Him to make it fruitful, rather than me. There are somethings I've given up, and that's going okay, but not as rigid as I normally am. It seems good, though.ReplyDelete
I get it. I wanted to make the no eating out rule a regular lenten thing, but it just wasn't going to happen, lol. I like that, allowing him to make it fruitful, that's a beautiful thought!Delete