So I don't know if I'm the only one, but weddings are a huge trigger for me. They all tend to follow the same pattern: See the beautiful and moving ceremony, have fun at the reception, have a few drinks and dance my feet off, head home, then have a break down in the car until its time to go to sleep. Its happened like clockwork at all of the wedding we've been to since we've figured out we're infertile, though I didn't realize the pattern until after the wedding we went to last night.
Thinking about it, I think its caused by a combination of things. It starts with the ceremony. I think Catholic wedding ceremonies are beautiful, and hearing the couples say their vows always takes me back to when we said those same words. At the same time, little parts of the ceremony get me. For example, the couple is asked "Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?" Those mentions of children are peppered throughout the mass. I believe it is beautiful, and should rightly be a part of the ceremony, a big part of marriage is being open to children. However, each time it comes up, its a reminder of the children we would happily accept into our marriage but don't have.
Then we get to the reception. You see how happy the new couple is, and I can't help but start to wonder what their future will be. Will they have children? Probably soon, sooner than us at least. At some point in the night the bride and groom end up dancing with some of the babies or children, and that's when I start tearing up.
I'm normally a pretty guarded person, and tend to keep my emotions buried. Unless I'm on medication that's making me crazy, or on here I guess, I don't talk to much about my feelings about our infertility. Sure I talk about the fact that I'm infertile, and treatments and whatnot, but not really about how it all makes me feel, at least not very often. But once you get a few drinks in me, as happens during weddings, especially those with open bars, the feelings start coming to the surface. And considering the fact that we only go to one or two weddings a year, that's a lot of feelings.
So by the time we get to the car, hotel room, or home I get sad and start talking about all the feelings and crying. I feel sad about the children we don't have. I feel bad about the fact that the Hubs would make such a good father, and so wants to be a father, and instead is stuck with me, who can't seem to be able to give him a child. I think about I think about our future, what will it look like if we don't have kids? Will just the two of us be enough? And so I sob and I sob until I exhaust myself and go to sleep. The poor Hubs is always taken off guard, but does his best to console me and is a complete sweet heart, but I'm sure its hard on him.
Now that I've reflected on all of this, and I've recognized the pattern, I'm determined that it won't happen at the next one I got to. The next wedding I'm aware of is set for March, so at least I have time to prepare. Now if I could just figure out how to do that...