It turned out that day the readings and homily were just what I needed to hear. Especially the Gospel, and this part in particular:
“And I tell you, ask and you will receive;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks, receives;
and the one who seeks, finds;
and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
What father among you would hand his son a snake
when he asks for a fish?
Or hand him a scorpion when he asks for an egg?
If you then, who are wicked,
know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit
to those who ask him?”
This is something I've struggled with for some time. I've sometimes feel like I've been asking over and over again, and not receiving. That a lot of my prayers are met with a whole bunch of silence. And instead of being given a child, its more months of infertility and all the pain that goes with it. Sometimes it felt like I was getting that snake or scorpion instead of the fish or egg I was asking for. But isn't it supposed to be the opposite?
In his homily, the priest mentioned something so simple and obvious, but still what I needed to hear. That God knows what's better for us, and what we need. I realized that I wouldn't be sitting there in mass if it wasn't for infertility, and the struggles that come with it that have brought me to my knees at times. Like I mentioned before, I've been trying to understand what God is trying to do with me, and to understand that His plan is what is best. It seems like God keeps trying to help me understand it too, I just don't listen, or don't know how. But my heart is just starting to understand that God is trying to give me what I need, which might not be the same thing as what I want right now. Maybe I am getting the fish that I just keep mistaking for a scorpion.