September 13, 2014

Cycle Review 3 (part 1)

Well this was supposed to be cycle review three but things didn't turn out as planned.   Let me back up really quick and recap.  We did everything the same this cycle except we switched to Letrezole (Femera) from Clomid.  All in all, not a bad cycle.  This biggest side effect I noticed was some irrational anger that I couldn't really control, but I'll take anger any day over depression.  The worst day I was upset at my boss about something and ripped up a piece of paper he had  written on for me to type up.  That was  fun to tape back together, lol.

So, because the ultrasounds I have been getting outside the doctor's office haven't been showing her what she needs, I came into her office for a P+4 ultrasound to check if I ovulated.  It was supposed to function as the cycle review too.  On the positive lining was good.  I was worried about that as I had problems with that  my first cycle on Clomid, and my CM really dried up this cycle.  But everything checked out.

As for whether I ovulated, Dr. S wasn't sure whether what she was seeing was a corpus luteum or a cyst, because apparently my ovaries have a bunch of little cysts (no big cysts though, yay) that get in the way.  Soooo... I go back in a week for another ultrasound and to check my blood work.  My boss is so not going to be pleased that I have to take another afternoon off, especially when I promised him this appointment was actually eliminating the necessity of an extra visit.  Oh well... not much I can do about that.

I was grumpy for quite a while after the appointment.  Not only am I nervous about getting more time off (which I'm sure will be fine), I'm also frustrated, mostly just with my body and the situation.  This might seem weird, but I was nearly sure I hadn't actually ovulated and was kind of fine, even almost happy about that.  That would mean we could stop with the meds, schedule the ovarian wedge resection, and hope things are better after that.  Also, after two cycles of not ovulating, I figured it wouldn't be worth it to get my hopes up that something had actually happened.

But now... now its harder not to get my hopes up.  And when I'm being super negative, like I was after the appointment, I tend to see it as a lose-lose situation: either I waste time and emotions on another appointment just to find out that was a cyst and I didn't ovulate.  Or, maybe I did ovulate, which means we keep trying the meds and put off surgery, which puts time and potentially a lot of money at stake, if we end up having to wait till next year only for our deductible and out of pocket max to reset (and likely go up).  I can't even let myself consider the possibility that we could conceive, that's just too difficult and unlikely.

I know I need an attitude adjustment, and that there's a positive side.  I know if I did ovulate that means my body is trying to work at least.  I already see that my body's responding to the things I'm taking by my lining being better.  And I don't know if its the treatment or the diet or both, but I am feeling better than I have in years.  I fall asleep faster, sleep better, and have more energy, which is making a huge difference.  Again, I guess it all comes down to me trusting that things will be ok.  I have to do everything I can and just leave the rest in God's hands.

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