August 12, 2015
I Just Want It To Be Over
Like I mentioned in my last post, there's part of me that was relieved to find out I wasn't ovulating. Why? Well, lets wind back a few days.
Saturday night the Hubs and I sat at a fancy dinner for our preemptive anniversary celebration. I was trying hard not to bring the infertility/medical treatment topic up, because I usually ruin special events by bringing our issues up and then getting all emotional about them. I can't help it, it's just what I do. So of course, despite my best intentions, I finally brought it up (though I think it was at least after our appetizer).
We started to talk about what to do going forward. I hadn't been feeling good for a while, what with side effects from meds and supplements and all, and wasn't sure if I could take another cycle on that particular mix. (This was before my latest cycle review that, well, simplified the options.) The Hubs suggested that we take a break the next cycle. This isn't the first time he's made that suggestion, its been something we've talked about quite a bit over the last few months as the side effects have gotten more and more difficult to deal with. The idea of it is nice, and I do think it would be good for me, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I'm a very stubborn person.
But this time, before I had really even though of my response, I blurted out "I don't want to take a break, I just want it to be over with." I hadn't really even thought about it that much, but I guess that is a big part of why I didn't want to take a break. Taking a break isn't really just stopping it all. It just means maintaining for a while then jumping back into it all full swing again. The thought of that is about as exhausting as keeping up with the status quo.
All I've wanted from the begging of this journey, other than you know, a child, has been to know when and how it'll end. Such a simple wish right? I know there wouldn't likely be any answering of that, but hey, I could hope. I'm the kind of person that hates suspense in the first place, for anything. Apply it to my own life, and it gets 100 x worse.
If the suspense wasn't bothering me enough, there's also the toll infertility has taken on my life. To say it has thrown thing for a loop would be a giant understatement. It's more like it turned my life on spin cycle. It's a never ending merry go round of tests, diagnoses, procedures, more tests, side effects, and emotions. It's impacted every area of my life, and changed who I am, in both good and bad ways. That's all a really long way of saying that its exhausting. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausting. With no end in sight.
I think that's why I've kept plugging along without rest, I just keep hoping to get to the end, one way or another. Whether that's a baby in our arms, or knowing for once and for all that it just isn't going to happen. Choosing to keep going gives me some false sense of control, like I actually have a say in what happens (hah), and that taking one step will get us closer to the end.
I think that's why the news on Monday was somewhat of a relief. Even though it means one more thing didn't work... it also means one more step closer to the end of this journey. As hard as it is to face that the end might not be us being parents... it's comforting to think that some day my life might not revolve around medical treatment again.