January 13, 2015

My Thoughts Are Not His

Although Sunday was the feast of the Baptism of Jesus, which was the focus of the Gospel, it was a different part of the mass that stuck with me. It was this part of the first reading: Isaiah 55: 8-9: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD. As high as the heavens are above the earth so high are my ways above your ways and my thoughts above your thoughts."

There are so many times when I question why things are happening, and why certain prayers don't get answered. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me. This passage helps remind me that God's will is above mine, and beyond mine.

The problem is that I wish that I understood what God's will was at all right now. There have been times in my life where God's will has been so clear to me. All the right doors opened and I was hit over the head with exactly what I was supposed to do. This happened when I decided where to go to college, decided to go to law school, met the Hubs, and even when I got my first job out of law school. At some of the biggest junctions of my life, God clearly guided me, things fell together in ways that I knew exactly what I was supposed to do, even if I didn't completely understand why at the time.

As I've mentioned before, I even felt like God helped guide me to my current NaPro Dr. But since then, things haven't been so clear. I've been asking, through prayers and novenas, for some clarity as to what God's will regarding children is for us, but I haven't felt like those prayers have really been answered. I don't feel like I know what I'm supposed to be doing. Although I feel like I've been led to Dr. S, and she truly is a wonderful doctor, at the same time I'm really struggling with continuing with medical treatment. I'm sticking with it for now, but I'm whining and complaining the whole way down.

I just feel like although we've tried so many things, nothing has worked in over 6 months, and everything just keeps making me feel worse, emotionally and physically. I was whining to the Hubs just last night that I don't know why I messed with how things were before. Painless periods and emotional stability weren't such bad things. Now I'm dealing with constant emotional instability and breakdowns. On top of that, this cycle has started out with cramps that no amount of pain meds could take away (I'm aware that its probably bad because its the first period post surgery). And still, no ovulation... so things aren't really any better. At least not yet.

I know, I'm being super negative. But my point it,this is not an easy path that everything seems to be telling me to go down. At the same time, there's no clear alternative. We could stop everything,but as much as I complain, I'm not ready for that yet. And as much as I wish we could move on to adoption, our financial position is not stable enough for that yet, and I know that's a road with its own inherent struggles.

I don't even know what good I can bring out of this journey.  There's been a few times where I've thought that there was something I could do, but then obstacles pop up and I'm left once again confused.  I feel like I need some more positives than I'm seeing to come out of this, and I'm just not seeing it yet. 

Maybe its my trust being tested.  I know as much as I want to trust, I still have difficulty with it.  I still struggle with surrendering my will to His, as much as I know that I need to do it.  And so the reminder that God' thoughts are above mine caught my attention.  It reminds me that maybe I'm too close to this situation.  God is so high above, he knows what's going on, and can see where the good is that I'm just not catching yet.  Maybe its that, to use a phrase that was completely overused in law school, I just can't see the forest for the trees.  Maybe I just need to trust in God's will without knowing what it is, and just continue on until... well I don't really know... until whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing becomes more clear. 

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