August 30, 2014

In the Middle

The infertility journey comes with a lot of highs and lows, but I feel like a lot of this time is just somewhere in the middle, with a lot of waiting.  Waiting for appointments, diagnoses, to see if treatments will work,when we can start the next treatment, and when then next medical bills will roll in (I'm talking about you, pending charges on my insurance website).  I feel like a lot of the time my emotions are somewhere in the middle too...the hope of discovering potential problems and treatments for them, tempered against the fear of another failed cycle.  And of course there is the big wait, the big if, that I probably don't even need to mention, the hope for a child.

Right now I'm in one of those middle/ waiting periods.  We've started a new medicine this cycle, and have yet to see if it'll do anything yet.  We're also considering adoption, but not yet in a place where we can start the process.  Unfortunately, I'm an impatient person... I want to know things now, do things now, and without seeing any results or being able to start something I start feeling like I've already failed.  That means my default is always towards the negative side.  Luckily, the Hubs is more positive and carries both of us with his hopefulness, bringing us back somewhere towards the middle.

I'm also a middle child, and was an emotional thing as a teenager, which led to this being my favorite song (yes, this might date me a little):

Ever since I heard this song, its always stuck with me, its kinda become my theme song, haha.  The funny thing is that it  tends to come on randomly when I'm having impatient/ sad/ anxious episode.  I know its silly, and probably crazy, but I feel like sometimes its God giving me a little message that things are okay, He's not done with me yet, and I just have to do my best and wait it out. So whenever I hear it, it always puts a smile back on my face.  I know, its silly to read that much into a pop song, but whatever keeps you going?

So anyways, here's to getting through the middle.  Anyone else have their own theme song?

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