December 19, 2015

Avoidance

I have a confession to make.  I have totally been avoiding you.  Well not you really, just this blog. Sorry about that. Really, I've been trying to avoid infertility in general.  I don't think it was a conscious effort at first.  I really did get incredibly busy with work and didn't have as much free time on my hands as before.  But at some point I realized I was trying to keep myself as busy as possible to avoid thinking about infertility as much as possible.

The last couple years have been so difficult, such an emotional roller coaster with starting  treatment, then having surgery, then more treatment. It was overwhelming, all encompassing.   But then I got the new job (not so new anymore, being over 6 months in), and I didn't want to let anyone know about my IF issues, unlike my last job where I was an open book.  I thought it would be just too awkward to explain to a new employer and coworkers that I was trying to get pregnant, but don't worry about it because it probably won't happen.  Then we found a treatment that more or less "worked" (as in, got me ovulating and hormones leveled, not pregnant), and so I became a little less anxious about what our next step would be. And then the infertility ministry we tried to start in the last year more or less failed.  And most people stopped asking about treatment and how it was going after getting the same answer so many times.  So infertility was no longer encompassing every part of my life.  I was able to stick it in a small compartment and avoid it for the most part.  And so I did.

Except I can't avoid it all the time.  It still hurts every month that I get a negative test and start a new cycle.  Perhaps even more so now that everything is "working" and has been for months, yet still no pregnancy. And I still have doctors appointments and blood tests every month, and medicines and supplements to take every day.  And every big holiday or milestone that passes still feels like a punch in the gut, to pass once again with no child on the way or in our arms.   On those days like today (the first day of another cycle and the 5 year anniversary of our engagement) I realize I can't stick it all in a compartment, and I could still use the outlet and community that this blog provides.

It just so happens that this time it fell on a day that I actually had some spare time.  So... that resulted in my first post in months.  That's where I've been and what's been going on for the most part.  I'm hoping to start stopping by here more often... but we'll see.

4 comments:

  1. Glad you've been busier. Distractions help but IF is still always there especially at milestones and holidays. :( Praying that Christmas is easy on your heart!!!!

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  2. Glad you've been busier. Distractions help but IF is still always there especially at milestones and holidays. :( Praying that Christmas is easy on your heart!!!!

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  3. I hear you. My blog has become neglected of late because there is nothing new to say. And when I try to say the same old stuff, it seems to come out wrong, so I just don't. But know that I have been praying for everyone that is hurting, and I agree with MB; this stuff always hurts more at the holidays!

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  4. Sometimes avoidance is needed for self-preservation - your sanity, feelings, mental health - and is a good thing. Holidays seem to exacerbate things as well. There is often a big disconnect with "what is" and what we wanted for our life. I am praying you, and my other ladies, find peace at this time.

    That being said, I'm glad to you're back writing. You've been missed.

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