February 22, 2015

Finding Balance

I can't seem to find balance in living my life with IF.  In some areas of my life, I'm completely silent on it.  If you scanned my facebook page, other than maybe some things I like, there is no mention of infertility.  I'm the same when it comes to more extended groups of friends/acquaintances, its not something I'll readily bring up, and I'll only discuss it briefly if it comes up.  Work is somewhere in between, I have to give heads up about appointments, so I give any need to know information, and answer questions, but that's usually where I leave it.  In my personal life, among close family and friend, I have become more open about it over time.

I've gotten some feedback lately from both a family member and a close friend (in two separate conversations) that they feel like I talk about it too much, and perhaps if I don't talk and think about it so much, things will be better.  My initial reaction was to be hurt about it.  The family member I was talking to is the only person I know in person that has also dealt with infertility.  The friend is my closest friend, who I usually talk to everything about, and appreciate the fact that I get honest feedback from her.  But, as hurtful as what they both said was, I guess there is some truth to it.

Infertility takes up so much of my life.  I wake up every morning thinking about it, and have to take handfuls of medicines and supplements.  I make observations for charting throughout the day.  I take medicines and supplements every night. So throughout the day I'm reminded about what going on in my cycle, and get anxious if things aren't going right or if I don't know what's going on (which is like, always).  Every day I'm dealing with side effects from the various things I'm taking, or wondering if they're working, or why aren't they working.  I worry about what I eat, what I drink, what I use to wash and clean with.  I'm emotional, hormonal, anxious, and occasionally in pain.  That's a day in the life in my head.

I don't know how to turn it off.  I don't know how to think about it less.  I don't know how to compartmentalize my life like that. I used to.  I used to just bottle it all up, avoid talking about it, and just break down when I had too much to drink at wedding, like I mentioned before.  But the Hubs didn't like me doing that, it seemed unhealthy. Regardless, when I'm on the crazy pills (looking at you clomid) I don't even have the ability to hold things back.  Everything just comes to the surface whether I want it to or not.

I would like to be more normal, though I don't even know what normal looks like with infertility.  Like I said, I only know one other person in real life that's dealt with infertility.  Her experience was a long time ago and she wasn't childless as long as I have, and her default is to not talk about it.  It seems like infertility makes people uncomfortable to talk about, so is it normal to just not talk about it at all to keep other people comfortable? On the other hand, when someone is pregnant or sick, its pretty normal for that to come up, if not briefly, in regular conversations.  I don't really understand why that isn't accepted with infertility.

Maybe part of it is because I've been on my own personal crusade against the well meaning but hurtful people things people say. I don't really accept when people say just relax, just adopt, just... anything.  I try to (lovingly) explain why those don't work, and are harmful rather than helpful.  I guess that could annoy people.  But is it wrong to want to be able to have a real conversation, or just to be listened to, instead of receiving trite platitudes? I don't know.

Its not just balance with other people I need to find.  I need to find balance with myself, and my life.  I feel so overwhelmed and consumed by it all. I need to find a way to acknowledge and deal with the fact that this is a part, a large part of my life, and yet not have my entire life revolve around it, if that makes any sense. I just don't exactly know how to go about that.  The Hubs suggested we get more hobbies, or a hobby at least.  Get more active, take the dogs for walks, work more on our garden.  Maybe that will help, to enjoy things, enjoy life more in general.

He also mentioned counseling.  I'll admit the thought of it has been on my mind for a while.  Since I've had some trouble figuring this out on my own, or even with the Hubs's help, maybe it is time to seek out help from someone else.  Maybe it'll help me develop some coping skills, or at least give me someone else to talk to about all of this. I don't know.  I don't know if I 'm ready, or even need to make that step yet, but I am looking into it.

If anyone else has figured out to find balance in all of this, please feel free to share.

February 17, 2015

Learning From Marriage Fails

So, lest you think things are all sunshine and daisies over here from the last cheesy post, I thought I'd let you in on the other side of things too.  I actually started thinking about this post a few weeks ago.  It was going to be a post about something I had learned about marriage, and how it had improved our marriage so much.  The post started out entitled "Marriage Isn't Fair (And That's A Good Thing)".  Things took a different turn though, and I've learned some different lessons that I'd like to share here.

Let's rewind a little bit.

I entered marriage three and a half years ago with the idea that everything would be 50/50, all chores, tasks, burdens split evenly, each person doing their own share.  I'm not going to go into all the things that made me think that way, but it was a pretty deep seated belief.  That's how I wanted my marriage to be.  I know, sounds really silly looking back on it, and it has been the cause of a lot of disagreements.  Don't get me wrong, I love the Hubs (see last post) but man, that whole adjusting to living, and you know, merging lives with, another person, especially when that other person is a... um... less cleanly boy, is hard.  Also difficult was the fact that both of us were either bad at or didn't know how to do domestic stuff, you know cooking, cleaning, and lets not even get started on repairs... there's currently a light fixture dangling from the wires in my kitchen ceiling.  After about the first year we had figured out some sort of routine.  However, we lived at my parents, so the place was smaller, less stuff to do.  A year after that we moved into the first place of our own, and kinda had to start all over again.  Ugh. There was more "domestic stuff" to do, and I still wanted it all split 50/50, and would get upset and resentful when things weren't.

Around the same time, we started charting and working on medical treatment for our infertility.  Although Hubs has received some of the testing/treatment, the brunt of is done on/to me, of course.  I have to make observations, take a bunch of pills, experience side effects, have surgeries done, there's no way around it.  And I started to get more angry and resentful.  Things weren't 50/50 and I couldn't make them that way.  I kept trying to shovel more onto the Hubs's plate to make things even, which he graciously accepted, but I still was upset about it. Maybe my 50/50 system wasn't working out...

Around the time of my surgery (in December), I noticed something.  I noticed how the Hubs has always been good at taking care of me.  He'll go above and beyond and very rarely complain or get resentful.  Even after my recovery from the surgery, when I started adjusting to new meds and felt awful, he took on everything he could around the house, even though he already had a ton on his plate, and still no complaining, or comments hinting that I should be doing more.  I'm kind of the opposite, very bad about taking care of other people, always have been.  As I say it, I'm empathetic not sympathetic... I understand and can feel the pain you are going through, I just can't think of anything comforting to do or say, if that makes any sense (or if I got that right).

So, once I felt better, I decided that I wanted to be more like that, take on things without complaining.  Doing more for the sake of helping the other.  Like I mentioned briefly before, the Hubs has had a lot going on since early January, and is very rarely free until 11pm.  So I tried to take on more and more of the chores, make the house look pretty and all that.  Inside, I was telling myself how selfless I was, what a good wife I was, look how much better this is for our marriage, no complaining and no arguments ( I know, so humble).  And that was the original post I was going to write... until Sunday night.

Sunday night I was grumpy.  It was a long weekend.  We had an awesome valentine's day, but that also involved 6 hours of cooking, not to mention cleaning (which the Hubs did help with).  And Sunday there were more cleaning and chores to be done.  Then it was  past my bedtime (I start to get cranky if I'm awake past 12:30 ish), and things still weren't done.  Then the Hubs asked me what happened to his roll of toilet paper (we use separate bathrooms, marriage saver, lol).  And then I got mad.  It was so silly and probably super boring to read about, but here I go.

You see, I had given him my last roll of toilet paper, and expected for him to get me one, and when he didn't, I took it back, and then got upset at him because he was the one in the wrong for not getting me an extra roll (I didn't want to go rummaging through the spare closet to try to find the extra toilet paper, lol).  Except while I knew that was my thought process, the Hubs had no clue.  I never said anything, I just expected it. I was also mad that while I was finishing up the chores downstairs, he hadn't made the bed.  Again, nothing I asked, mentioned, even hinted at...just expected.  So I blew up, and started listing off all the things I had so selflessly done and he hadn't appreciated and I was so upset and tired and on and on....

And of course the Hubs is upset and defensive, especially since all of this came out of nowhere.  When things calmed down a bit he asked me, "How long have you been feeling this way?  A day or two? "  My response: "about three weeks." Yeaa...that was the biggest problem.

You see... my problem really deep down was about being bad at communication.  I hadn't had a change a heart, I kept the same mindset and just stopped saying anything about it.  And when I started being "selfless", all I was really doing was adding more chores onto my balance of things I was doing, keeping track of it, but not talking to the Hubs about it, just bottling it all up.  So that didn't lead to me being a better wife... it led to an epic argument.

So yes, I'm learning that marriage isn't ever 50/50. There will always be seasons when one person has to bear more burdens than the other, or maybe we'll both have heavy burdens that we can't really help the other with (kind of the case right now).  I just need to work on getting my head to understand that, and to stop trying to keep track or balance things out.

I also am learning to work on forgiveness, forgiving myself for my failures, and forgiving the Hubs for mistakes he makes, as well as for the crazy things I made up in my head that he didn't know he did wrong in the first place (poor guy).

 But the biggest lesson I learned is that I also (still) need to work on communicating.  And probably especially when I'm trying to change these things about myself.  If I talked about it with the Hubs, he might've been able to help me work through the whole mental mess before I boiled over.  I've really been learning that its the key to solving oh, just about most of our relationship problems.  If I tell him I'm feeling grumpy or sensitive or on the crazy pills (clomid or femera) he knows I might... overreact to certain topics, and maybe even knows to avoid them.  If I don't say anything, he gets completely blindsided with my overreactions.  And if either of us is feeling overwhelmed or overburdened, we need to talk about it, talk through it, and see if there's any way to work together on the problem, not blow up out of nowhere.   It sounds so simple, isn't learning to communicate like marriage 101?  But its so crucial.  Oh marriage, taking so much work all the time. I think its worth it though :).

(Also, I'm totally linking up with Better Than Eden on this because I'm pretty sure there's three or so lessons I've learned in three years of marriage in here.  Head on over there to see some much better posts on the topic).

February 13, 2015

7QT: Valentines Edition

So, I'm sure you all know that valentines day is tomorrow (you do know right?  If not you still have like 24 hours or so to prepare!).What you may not know is that today is our half anniversary :).  Yes, we're dorks and both actually remember that.  We probably wouldn't if it wasn't right before v-day, but who knows.  Anyways, that means that as of today we've been married 3.5 years, sweet right?  Well, since we're already being mushy by remembering the half anniversary, I thought I'd go ahead and get even mushier.  So here's 7 quick things I love about the Hubs :).


He's a romantic.  Seriously, this guy.  He sends/brings me flowers on all the big dates (birthday, valentines, anniversary), and a bunch of times for little or no reason too.  He always writes the sweetest cards, and is always reminding me how much he loves me.  He even saves little things like movie stubs from dates and tickets from trips and what not.  He is always sweet, thoughtful, and loving, and kind, even in the smallest ways.


He's a gentleman.  Through and through.  And I don't mean just opening car doors for me (which he's done from day one).  He pulls out seats for me, walks on the side closest to the road, carries things (even my purse) for me (he call himself my pack mule), and plenty of other things that I can't recall or might not even notice.  Oh, and he will not cuss in front of me, and if he does he'll apologize, which is kind of entertaining because I have a tendency to cuss like a sailor on occasion, oops (I never said I was lady like).

Except for when he attacks me with a chicken wing


He's my rock.  He always supports me, and when things get tough, he's always been there for me.  Back to when we were dating in law school, he was always there to calm me down when I got stressed out. Even now, when things get tough, I can count on him.  If I get upset, he'll listen to me, let me vent, or let me cry my eyes out (getting mascara and snot all over his shirt more than once, lol), and always help me to either see the bright side or to fix things, if possible.  Even if it isn't possible (like is the case so often when dealing with IF) just the fact that he is there, listening and reassuring me, means the world to me.


He always fights for me.  There have been plenty of obstacles in our relationship.  From big ones, like us being from places 3,000 miles apart, to small(er) ones, like dealing with relatives.  Even when the obstacle is me, and I'm being moody, pushing him away, and exile myself to the couch (I never said I made any sense).  He always fights past the issue and for me, from moving to California, to never letting me spend a night alone on said couch, lol.

Too bad NY wouldn't work out, it was pretty cool


He has a great sense of humor.  I've said before, from the first day I met him I have always felt comfortable with him.  Part of that is his great sense of humor, and the fact that he gets mine too.  We can laugh for hours about the silliest little things.  Like making comments at TV shows, or the crazy things our dogs do.  For example, the other day we were talking about how ridiculous our dental insurance company makes it to get a replacement card.  That quickly morphed into a talking about the company sending secret emails that would self destruct the computer reading it and all the other computers around.  You might have had to have been there, but we were laughing about that for days.

Always making me laugh, that guy


He's really, really, ridiculously good looking.

Yes, I'm referencing Zoolander
I know looks aren't everything, but what can I say, he's got it all in my opinion.  From his the little curls in his hair, to his piercing blue eyes, to perfect nose, to his sweet smile that is so warm it could melt a snowman :).  Yea, I think he's the most handsome man in the world, and (I hope) he knows it :).

Handsomest wedding date ever


He bring me closer to God.  I love the fact that we share our faith.  We are able to talk about it and work on it together.  And even though sometimes praying together can be difficult (or when I get cranky when its too late and I don't want to wait to pray to go to sleep), he always makes sure we do.  Sometimes its not even that he has to say anything, its what he does, his unconditional love that is a reflection of God's love to me. Definitely the most important thing on this list.

With the priest who married us!
Well, thank you for wading through all this cheesiness (I don't blame anyone who didn't).  Head over to Kelly's at This Ain't The Lyceum for more!

February 12, 2015

Preparing for Lent

This year, lent has kind of snuck up on me.  I started seeing Facebook posts from friends that it was coming up, and I was kind of in shock at how early it is this year.  I have to confess, I didn't even get my Christmas Tree and decorations down till this week (during which process we also knocked a light off the ceiling).  The process started a few weeks ago, but I'm a little slow, haha.

But anyways, now its almost here, and I've started thinking about what I should do this year to make it a good one. I think I want to focus on doing something with each of the three important areas prayer, fasting, and almsgiving.  Here are some of the ideas I've come up with so far.

Prayer:  Last year, the main this the Hubs and I did during lent was read from the Bible (almost) every night, starting at the very beginning.  The idea was to get us started with a good habit that we would carry throughout the year.  Yea...shortly after lent we hit Leviticus and just could not keep up with it.  Maybe this year we'll pick it up again, but maybe skip the listings of laws, just to keep the momentum going.

I also want to work on, using a handy acronym provided by a priest I knew in college, MARC: Mass, adoration, rosary, and confession.  I've been working on saying the rosary on the way to work, and I want to commit to saying it every day, or at least every work day.  I also need to work more on the other three.  I think I got to adoration once and confession and daily mass only a few times last year. Ideally, I'd like to start going to daily mass and adoration weekly and confession every other week maybe.  I'm not sure if I want to commit to that exactly, or just commit to trying to increase the frequency, I'm still thinking about it.

Fasting:  Another thing from last year that I think I'd like to do again is give up going out for food.  We aren't really good cooks over here, and with being tired and lazy, we tend to do a lot of going out or picking up fast food for lunch and dinner.  Last year we gave it all up, well except for our tradition of going out to eat after mass on Sunday.  Although it required a lot of work (from me) and patience (from the Hubs), I think it was a good experience over all.

I think I'd also like to  "fast" from wasting my time.  I spend a lot of my down time on Netflix binges and aimlessly surfing the internet.  I don't know if I could do a straight up ban on it, or even craft a rule for myself, but I do want to be more mindful of how I'm spending my time, and perhaps take some more time on spiritual reading, or taking care of our place instead.

Almsgiving:  This is a tough one.  I've kind of tended to ignore almsgiving in the past.  Either I was a starving student, just married and getting our feet on the ground, or, last year, we had just bought a place.  This year things aren't much different, after a slew of unexpected expenditures last year, finances are still pretty tight, though I would like to see where we can find some wiggle room.

But even if I can't give much money, I know there's something else I can give, my time. Last week there was a ministry fair at our parish, and there are a couple we are looking into.  One I think we're most leaning towards doing is driving elderly parishioners who can't drive themselves to church.  I also approached a member of the parish counsel about possibly starting a new ministry.  There isn't much to say about it yet, its obviously still in the super early stages, and I still have to hear back from the parish counsel on whether its something they want.  But I am doing research, and if I do get the green light I'll let you know all about it :).

Beyond all this, I feel like there's a couple things God's been trying to teach me that I want to focus on, acceptance and detachment.  More particularly, accepting what He brings into my life, and detachment from those things that don't matter.  There's not really anything I can think of to do to learn about these, but it is something I want to think about, and try to understand what He is trying to do.

Well, at least this is a start, and gets me thinking.  What are you doing for lent?

By the way, I'm linking up with Blessed is She.  Head over there for more great posts.

February 11, 2015

Houston, We (Might) Have A Problem

It looks like I might have celebrated just a bit too soon on all the ovulation talk :(.  There may have been some problem with it, so maybe its a little premature to be calling it a success.

As of today, its been 19 days since my peak day, and AF has finally started this afternoon. My post-peak phase (also known as luteal phase) was around 8-9 days when I first started charting last year, which is on the short side, not a good thing.  Once I started post peak progesterone support, last July I think, it slowly lengthened a day or two a cycle until it made it to 13 days, where its stayed.  I figured this cycle might be different what with the "ovulation" and all, but I started to worry once I hit P+15. Although I have been PMSing since P+7, there was really no sign of AF, like the spotting or cramping I usually get, up until late yesterday, which was seriously stressing me out.  I even called my doctor yesterday to see if there was any possible explanation, or anything I could do, and I was just told to wait another week to see what happened.

At least one thing that gave me some amount of peace was knowing that pregnancy wasn't likely possible.  Like I mentioned before, our timing was pretty off, so I wasn't expecting anything.  Unfortunately, that didn't stop me from taking pregnancy tests just in case, which were all negative of course (getting negative tests, even when I'm expecting them, is never fun). I even went out and bought one of those fancy first response tests in case my cheapies that I bought in bulk three years ago had gone bad. Those things have gotten so expensive! Or maybe I just forgot what they cost 3 years ago.  $20 for 2 tests seemed insane to me!  I could've gotten some for cheaper I guess, but all the cheaper ones were blue dye tests, and I avoid those like the plague ever since I got a false positive on one :(.

Anyways, I digress.  According to the Creighton manual, a post-peak 17 days or longer can indicate a problem.  Possible cause of a long post-peak phase, besides pregnancy of course, is lutenized unruptured follicle syndrome (LUFS), multiple ovulation, and misidentification of peak day.  Considering the ultrasound only picked up one corpus luteum, I think that rules out multiple ovulation, and even if I misidentified the peak day, I don't think I couldn't have been off by enough to account for my period being five days late.  So, in my head, the most likely candidate is LUFS, which kind of scares me.

If it is the case, I've read that it can be caused by NSAIDs, which is kind of what I hope caused it, that was the problem.  I'll confess, even though I knew of the possibility, I went a little heavy on the NSAIDs at the beginning of the cycle. My last period was super painful, and I couldn't make it without pain meds.  I also started the LDN at the beginning of the cycle, and took Excedrin (NSAID) for the first week, what with all the headaches is gave me.  But at least that problem would be easily correctable by not taking NSAIDs this time around. The idea of having LUFS being my newest problem, not just cause by NSAIDs, is something really daunting to me, but I don't really want to even think about it yet.

Its also true that my surgery was still pretty recent, the doctor did say it could take a few months for things to work right.  Also, as the Hubs stated, its my body's first time (that we know of) ovulating, I need to give it a break, haha.  All that is basically, me trying to reassure myself that I don't now have another problem I need to worry about, ugh.

All that said, those extra few days were pretty rough.  I felt pretty defeated.  I was so happy things were working, just to feel like I had the rug pulled out from under me. Now all I can do is wait and see how the next cycle goes.  I'm just so happy its finally here.

February 6, 2015

7QT: Random Happenings Around Here

I haven't joined in on Seven Quick Takes in a while, and I really wanted to.  Problem is, I don't really have like some interesting, overarching theme to talk about.  So, you just get a random amalgamation of what's been going on around here, lucky you!


Ok, first of all, lets talk about the super bowl.  We kind of had a super bowl party.  And by kind of, I mean it was just me and the Hubs.  But we got chips, dip, pizza, soda, and beer (all things that are usually not stocked in our house) and had a good time watching the game commercials.  No leaving the house, no dealing with awkward small talk, and I got to watch in my pajamas... it may have been my favorite super bowl so far :).


I found out on Monday that I ovulated this cycle!!  I know I've already talked about it, but it really is the most exciting thing to happen around these parts in a while!  I'm still super psyched about it :).  In case you're new around here, check out the Infertility Journey page to see why this is a pretty big deal.


At the same doctor's appointment, I got a new handout of advice.  I love my doctor because she seems like she's always on top of things.  She said this handout was based on the latest research, so cool. Along with suggesting a bunch of new supplements, it also suggested that I avoid BPA and Phthalates.  I have to confess, I've never really been "crunchy".  I have nothing against it, it just seems like a lot of work and I'm lazy.  But now I kinda have to try.

You guys, I had no idea how much stuff BPA and Phthalates are in!  I got some new, more natural shampoo, conditioner, body and face wash, to try to avoid all that stuff and all.  I tried them all out today, and I'm not sure I love them yet.  One the positive side, my hair looked great, on the negative, it didn't feel great, and it all smells like baby powder, not like the advertised scent.  So the jury's still out on it, I guess we'll see.  Anyone else have favorite natural products?


Along the same vein, one of my newer medications is giving me vivid dreams.  While its a good thing that the dreams aren't scary or upsetting usually, they're not really particularly interesting.  For example, last night I dreamed about getting laid off at work (in a mostly non-dramatic way) and applying for new jobs.  A few nights before I dreamed about vacuuming .  Yep, you read that right.  Hours of vacuuming, emptying the vacuum, and then continuing with the vacuuming.  I tell you, my subconscious knows how to party. I can't wait to find out what's next, sweeping? doing the laundry?


Speaking of jobs, the poor Hubs is not only working, but has been busy studying for a couple important tests lately (please send up some prayers for him if you can).  I really appreciate what he's doing, and know its gotta be so tough. I really shouldn't even be whining about it, but I miss him!  What it means is I see him while we get ready in the morning, for the half hour or so when we eat dinner, and mayyybe for a little bit before I fall asleep, if I don't fall asleep too early.  And I'm so bored without him to hang out with!  I forget how lucky I am to have such a awesome hubs that I have so much fun with sometimes, at least this is a good reminder.  Also, I need someone else to take up some of the dogs' attention, I love them, but sometimes they drive me crazy.  One of them kept waking up wanting to play (fetch, of course), and kept it up for almost a whole hour last night.  Crazy dog!


I still haven't taken the plunge on a diet (as if that wasn't clear from the first take) but I think I'm leaning towards weight watchers.  They have a promotion where your fees for two months will be reimbursed if you manage to lose 10 pounds during them, which is totally (possibly) doable.  The promotion ends valentine's day, so that gives me some motivation to get started.

I had a humiliating run in with the ghost of weight watchers past this week though.   I was ordering lunch at a new restaurant and, not knowing the portion sizes, ordered two things.  Turned out I ordered enough to last me at least three lunches.  Oh, and right behind me while I was ordering was my old weight watchers leader. So yea, humiliating, especially since I've gained like 40 lbs since I last saw her :(.  Oh well, more motivation, right?

This story, about the husband who's wife divorced him because he wanted to keep their son, who they found out after he was born has down syndrome, has been on my mind.  Its so heart breaking, yet heart warming that so many people have rallied around baby Leo.  It also makes me think of the children have not been so fortunate. They will all be in my prayers.

Thanks for stopping by!  Head over to Kelly's at This Ain't The Lyceum for more!

February 3, 2015

First Post Surgery Cycle Review (Cycle Review 4)

So, this cycle I picked back up on all the supplements  (I should make a list of them but I'm just too lazy) and added in 25 mg of Clomid on cycle days 4, 5, and 6, started Low Dose Naltrexone, 7 days of Biaxin for the brown bleeding, and, as always, continued with post peak progesterone (200m orally twice a day).  I have to admit, I was not really looking forward to the meds, and wasn't very hopeful at the outset.  Thank you to all the commenters on the post before the cycle started for giving me the pep talk I needed to stick with the plan.

Things went much better than expected.  I noticed the difference from the Biaxin right away, no brown bleeding, yay!  I didn't notice any side effects from the clomid really either. The first time I took it I had hot flashes, night sweats, and mood swings, but this time I didn't notice any of the first two.  I did get a little irritable for a few days, but nothing like before, and no depression/crying/breakdowns, so I'd say that's a major improvement.  It may have been due in part to the other new addition, the Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN).

I'm not going to lie, my first week on that stuff was awful.  I was fatigued, nauseated, and had headaches all the time for nearly the whole week.  I was not a happy camper or fun to be around, and nearly useless at work.  Luckily, it magically cleared up right around day 6 or 7, and I've been mostly great since.  The only lasting side effects are some headaches here and there (I never got them before, so I think the LDN is the cause) and waking up in the middle of the night.  The first two weeks on the LDN I woke up every single night between 2 and 4:30 AM.  Its tapered off since then, but still happens once or twice a week.  Hopefully it'll taper off completely soon.  On the plus side, I've noticed my mood has brightened up a lot, so much so that those around me have noticed too.  I don't feel overly cheery, I'll always be somewhat on the Eeyore scale of personalities, lol , but at least I feel like myself again.  I missed that, and I was worried that I'd never feel like that again.

I definitely noticed a difference in this cycle.  (TMI warning, mucus discussion ahead, lol). The fertile type of cm started up right at the end of AF, including lots of lubrication and some even some clear, both of which I rarely see.  I was totally confused, considering I usually peak around day 18 or after.  I totally wasn't expecting to peak on CD 12!  Oh, and post peak I even had a dry day!  The last one I had was back in July, so that was pretty exciting for me and my annoying continuous mucus cycles. I also noticed my PMS symptoms (my tell tale sign is wanting to cry at country songs, lol) didn't pick up until a week after peak, compared to how it had been starting right after, so another good thing!  All of this had me thinking I might have actually ovulated, but I didn't want to get my hopes up...

Well, today I had my follow up and...drum roll please... the doctor was able to confirm that I ovulated!!!!!  Seriously, you have no idea how hard it was for me to not put that at the top of the post!  Dr. S said she saw a good looking corpus luteum in the ultrasound! Totally made that discomfort worth it, yay!  First confirmed ovulation ever, and since I started all the treatment! I'm so happy about it!  She also said my lining looked good.  My progesterone and estrogen were way better than before, but still low.  So next round we're going to up the Clomid to 50 mgs, here's hoping the side effects keep themselves to a minimum.

I don't think pregnancy is even a possibility this cycle.  Our timing was really bad, partially because I wasn't expecting peak so early and was confused about the CM, and the rest just because of life getting in the way.  That combined with the low hormones, and I really don't have any expectations.  I'm actually pretty at peace with it, which is a grace from God because I definitely wouldn't normally be ok with it at all.  I'm glad I get to be happy about the ovulation without any added pressure of stress of whether I'm pregnant.

At the same time, I keep trying to talk myself down.  What if what the doctor thought was a corpus luteum was actually just a new cyst? Or what if it's only a one time thing and my ovaries decide to stop cooperating?  Ugh, I need to get out of my head on this.  I think I'm just going to go ahead and be cautiously optimistic about what the next cycle will bring.