I have a confession to make. I have totally been avoiding you. Well not you really, just this blog. Sorry about that. Really, I've been trying to avoid infertility in general. I don't think it was a conscious effort at first. I really did get incredibly busy with work and didn't have as much free time on my hands as before. But at some point I realized I was trying to keep myself as busy as possible to avoid thinking about infertility as much as possible.
The last couple years have been so difficult, such an emotional roller coaster with starting treatment, then having surgery, then more treatment. It was overwhelming, all encompassing. But then I got the new job (not so new anymore, being over 6 months in), and I didn't want to let anyone know about my IF issues, unlike my last job where I was an open book. I thought it would be just too awkward to explain to a new employer and coworkers that I was trying to get pregnant, but don't worry about it because it probably won't happen. Then we found a treatment that more or less "worked" (as in, got me ovulating and hormones leveled, not pregnant), and so I became a little less anxious about what our next step would be. And then the infertility ministry we tried to start in the last year more or less failed. And most people stopped asking about treatment and how it was going after getting the same answer so many times. So infertility was no longer encompassing every part of my life. I was able to stick it in a small compartment and avoid it for the most part. And so I did.
Except I can't avoid it all the time. It still hurts every month that I get a negative test and start a new cycle. Perhaps even more so now that everything is "working" and has been for months, yet still no pregnancy. And I still have doctors appointments and blood tests every month, and medicines and supplements to take every day. And every big holiday or milestone that passes still feels like a punch in the gut, to pass once again with no child on the way or in our arms. On those days like today (the first day of another cycle and the 5 year anniversary of our engagement) I realize I can't stick it all in a compartment, and I could still use the outlet and community that this blog provides.
It just so happens that this time it fell on a day that I actually had some spare time. So... that resulted in my first post in months. That's where I've been and what's been going on for the most part. I'm hoping to start stopping by here more often... but we'll see.