A Month Can Make a Difference (Thank You)

For everyone who has stopped by and prayed for me this month as a part of Adopt-a-Blogger hosted by Conceiving Hope, thank you.  You have been in my thoughts and prayers.  Before the honor goes on to another blogger, I just wanted to wrap this month up with thanks and a little bit of a recap.

On the medical front, we started the month near the end of a cycle that I was sure was anovulatory, and that meant we would have some tough decisions to make.  Amazingly, the cycle was not only ovulatory, but I ovulated from both ovaries, craziness.  Even though that cycle ended without pregnancy, the ovulation success gave us some much needed hope that we aren't quite at the end of the road yet.  As we reach the end of this month, I'm at the end of another cycle.  It was, of course, another wonky cycle full of plenty of weird symptoms that I don't know the meaning of. We'll find out on Monday what happened, so I'll be updating then.

So what does that mean for our discernment? Well, right now we're sticking with the medical route.  As long as the medical route is the easier and more affordable, we'll probably keep with it, though we do take each month one at a time, just in case it looks like a break might be needed.  We do however want to start looking into adoption, and have been talking about it quite a bit.  Right now, finances are our biggest barrier. After we bought our condo last year, we learned that owning would cost quite a bit more than we thought it would, and that, along with financial emergencies like having to buy a car and having surgery, have set us and our savings back quite a bit. It looks like we're finally getting them under control though (I hope I'm not jinxing myself), and are starting to build savings again.  Our goal is to get a couple bigger bills paid for, then move on to saving up for a home study, and then figure out how we would move forward from there.  Then plan is to get there in 6 months, but you know what happens when you make plans...

As for fruitfulness, well, one minor effort was infertility awareness week.  I don't know if it did any good, but I did quite a bit of writing, and hope what I put out there filled some sort of need.  On our bigger efforts, I'm happy to let you know that our infertility ministry for our parish (and eventually the diocese, I hope) got approved!  Now the hard part starts, we have to actually get it off the ground.  We're in the process of getting our first meeting set, getting all the advertising materials together, and trying to figure out where to advertise for maximum exposure.  I'm a little worried it'll flop and no one will show, but if God has brought us this far, I think He'll take us where we need to go.

Also, I didn't really talk about this on the Adopt-A-Blogger post, but it has been the subject of a number of my posts this month, the employment front.  I don't want to go into too much detail, but things have been looking up a bit.

So, a lot has happened this month!  I know your prayers have been there and helped us through a lot. There have been many difficult moments this month, but with each difficulty I also found grace and peace, and I think that is a direct effect of those praying. As part of that, I've been becoming more and more open about my infertility journey in my life away from here, which has been a little terrifying.  But almost every time I put myself out there, I'm met with kindness and love, which greatly outweigh the small annoyances like the unhelpful things and platitudes people say.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  I hope you stick around to follow our story.  But most of all, I hope you join me tomorrow in praying for whoever the next adopt-a-blogger may be!

Check Out This Article

Well, it's a blog post, but reads like a professionally researched, thought out, and written article.  Conceiving Hope (yes, I'm a big fan of her blog, how could you tell?) wrote this article on Why IVF is Wrong (spoiler alert: there are many, many reasons).  Please take the time to read it and consider sharing it, this is such an important topic that so many people don't know about.  My own take on the subject is here, but is not nearly as developed or well written.

Weigh Day Vol. 4

I really thought about not writing this update. It's hard to admit a fail, even a (relatively) small one. But I'm doing this to keep myself accountable, so here goes nothing.

First, the positive. Last week I actually did well. I was down 1.6 lbs for the week and closing in on 15 lbs lost total (I was at 14.8). That was great.  Unfortunately, as the pattern has been going, bad week followed good again.

I have noticed that I save my extra points up for Sunday then would pig out, which I thought was a bad idea the day before weigh in. So, being super smart, I decided I'd use my extra points earlier in the week to avoid that problem. It started off great, except I didn't slow down the eating as I started running out of points. I don't think it helped that I was stressed out all week due to various things, and I am most certainly a stress eater.  On Saturday, I made the mistake of eating before I had checked the point on food (always a bad idea).  I ended up eating a cookie that was 12 points!  Ugh.  Then on Sunday we started with a brunch buffet and the day went downhill from there.

Long story short, I was up .9 lbs today. Ouch.  It may not seem like a lot, but that's a hard fought pound, and a wasted week.  All I can do is pick myself up and try again this week, so that's what I'm going to do.  Here's hoping I'll be down the pound and then some next week.

Infertility Awareness Week: Seven Things I Wish I Knew Earlier

So, I've talked a lot about infertility this week.  I've got one last post before I'm done though.  I've done some thinking about what the experience of infertility has been for me over the last almost four years, and I've thought of some things I wish I had known earlier.  This may just be for my own satisfaction, but maybe it will reach someone earlier in their journey and help them out.  So here goes:

1. How Important NFP Would Be To Me

I've mentioned before, I was (very wrongly) informed that NFP would not work for me because  my cycles were irregular.  I heard this from my Catholic Ob/Gyn, who tried to push birth control at every visit. I heard it from friends who were practicing NFP themselves.  I was surrounded by a Catholic, NFP loving culture, and no one was able to tell me that NFP would work for me and could actually help me.  Granted it could have been that I wasn't listening or looking hard enough.  We didn't plan to avoid pregnancy, so I didn't see the point of learning NFP. Seems pretty silly looking back on it now.

Luckily, a few months into our marriage (when I was already getting impatient that we weren't pregnant yet) I found that the sympto-thermal method could help me track my crazy cycles. It took a couple more years before I learned about the creighton model system, and how it would show me so much more, and help my doctor with medical treatment.  I kind of want to sing its praises everywhere I go (and I kind of do).

2. That NaPro Technology Existed

Ok, this one is my fault.  Like I mentioned in my post on how I found NaPro, there were pretty big signs and breadcrumbs along the way letting me know about it... I just wasn't really paying attention. I mean, Dr. Hilgers spoke at my college graduation, I should've been highly aware of NaPro a way long time ago.  That would've been pretty nice too, I would have loved to have had a doctor who actually wanted to treat me and wouldn't even mention birth control earlier. At the very least, I am glad I found my doctor when I did, it has been life changing.  I know NaPro doesn't work for everyone, it hasn't even worked for me yet. But the knowledge and care of my doctor is so great, I would say it's 100% worth it, and then some.

3. To Take Comments With A Grain of Salt

I've mentioned before, I don't know any other people in real life currently struggling with infertility.  So a lot of people in my close circle of friends and family were pretty unaware of it, and what to do with or say to a person dealing with it.  That means I've heard a lot of insensitive comments, received a lot of unsolicited advice, and had some people just ignore the situation altogether.  I can't really fault them, before I dealt with infertility myself, I said some of those things you shouldn't say too.  Sometimes it's well meaning (which I try to assume), sometimes it's out of ignorance, and sometimes (though the minority I would say) it's just someone being malicious.  Some people will listen when you try to explain, some people will take some time to get there, and some people never will understand.  I wish I had known this earlier so I could've been more tough and not to let things effect me so much.

4. That There is a Supportive Community of Catholic (and Catholic Friendly) People

For the first three years of infertility I felt so alone.  I didn't know any one else in person dealing with it, and all the online communities I found were secular, with people touting IVF and other Artificial Reproductive Technology treatments all the time.  I remember when one of the bloggers I followed, after years of struggling with infertility, got pregnant with multiples through IVF, and then "selectively reduced" all but one, because she only wanted one child.  That was heartbreaking for me.  I ran away from that online community and never (well maybe only occasionally) looked back. Years later, when I was googling NaPro treatment, I found some catholic (and Catholic friendly) bloggers! And that led me to the Facebook group mentioned in this post.  It's such a beautiful and vibrant community, that is so supportive and full of faith.  I'm so much better for having found them all.  My only regret is that I didn't find them sooner. So seriously, if you've stumbled across this blog and are feeling alone, email me and I can provide you with information about it.  No one should be alone in this journey.

5.  That It Would Change Me (Both In Good Ways and In Bad)

For a long time I tried to avoid dealing with infertility and facing the emotions it caused, but eventually I had no choice, and that experience has changed the very person I am.  I fought against that change for a long time, but the fact is, change is inevitable.  Some of the changes have been negative: I am much more emotional (sometimes at the wrong times), I struggle with envy and anger more than I ever had before, and I have to fight against secluding myself in my own little bubble so that nothing offensive will reach me.  But there have been good changes too:  I'm less judgmental, more compassionate, more open about my feelings (yes, this goes on both lists).  I'm sure as this journey goes on I'll keep changing. It's a part of who I am and I just have to accept that.

6. That It Would Effect My Marriage

Infertility is hard on a marriage.  You can be sad, angry, confused, and hurting.  You are vulnerable, and sometimes it's hard to let another person see that side of you all of the time, at least it is for me.  I used to pride myself on being independent and reason based, and it was hard for me to face the fact that wasn't true all the time, that I might need someone else, and that sometimes my emotions get the best of me.  Sometimes in my frustration I have lashed out, sometimes our communication fails, and sometimes issues take months or years to work through.  But just trying to work through them makes us stronger.  And having the support of each other down this road has been invaluable.  My husband drying my tears when I cry, listening to me when I need to vent, being patient when the meds make me a crazy person, and even charting every night to take some of the stress off of me, makes me love him so much more than I could have imagined before.

7. That It Would Effect My Relationship With God

This has probably been the biggest effect of infertility.  I am a cradle catholic, born and raised in a catholic culture going to catholic school by fervent parents my whole life.  I knew the faith, and followed it, but sometime after college I lost my passion, I lost dedication to it.  I put my relationship with God on the backburner.  I went to Mass on Sundays, confession a couple times a year... and that was about it.  I didn't even pray often at all. I knew it wasn't right to make it such a low priority, but I had so much else going on.

Then the realization that we were infertile hit, though it was a little bit at a time. Somewhere in there I think there was a choice, be angry and bitter at God and reject Him, or cling to Him with all that I have because I knew I couldn't get through this alone.  Luckily, I was given the grace to go with the latter.  It's undeniable that this experience has tested my faith beyond measure, but also grown it beyond measure. Yes, I still get angry, I still struggle, I still ask why, but I try to trust and I try to accept (and keep failing and trying over and over again).  I still have a long way to go and a lot more I could do, but at least I'm trying.  My prayer life could always use work, but it's there, it's exists, and it's a daily thing! I pray the rosary along with a CD on the way to work almost every morning, which is kind of hilarious.  As a kid my Mom would always play rosary CDs and I hated it.  How dare I be forced to pray! My sister was shocked when she learned I had my own now, lol.  God works in mysterious ways and through mysterious things I guess.

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So there you have it, those are the things I could think of that I wish I knew about sooner.  Anything you can think of?  Thank you for following along this week!  

7QT: Infertility Awareness Week

This week this little blog went overdrive for infertility awareness week.  I think its an important topic so I'm going to sum up the week here.

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I'm going to start with a little recap of my posts.  First, we talked about my favorite posts already written on the topic.  Next, I gave you a home tour of infertility.  I then shared a beautiful post written by the collaboration of 430 catholic men and women on the Catholic Perspective of Infertility.  After that I gave some tips on the care and keeping of an infertile friend.  I'll be wrapping things up with a post about what I wish I knew earlier.  I also shared quite a bit on twitter (I've got a little twitter addiction problem going on right now).  Whew. This blogger is going to take a little break on writing now

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Conceiving Hope's infertility awareness week series has been beautiful (literally and figuratively) and enlightening in so many ways. I would recap it, but it wouldn't do justice, and she has her own summary post with links.  Head on over there to see it for yourself.

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Most fun post in my opinion was this one, with some infertility memes.  Maybe my brand of humor just pairs with a dash of snark, but I loved it.  Here's my favorite for you:

Credit here

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Melody's Harmonies had some great posts too.  My favorite is the faces of infertility. It's both heartbreaking and beautiful to read the wide range of stories.

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A surprise entry in my favorite series of posts this week was Mama Needs Coffee.  I love the empathy showed to the infertile community by this sweet mommy blogger, and I loved reading the posts each day.  They were all great posts, though I'll have to say this post was my favorite, such a great story and perspective.

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There's really no way I can cover all of the great things that happened and were posted this week, but here's some of what I could think of.  Lucky as Sunshine shared her kindness and her story,  An interesting discussion on an article (in the comments). A courageous post. A beautiful success story. An honest view of secondary infertility. Some solidarity. And I finally mentioned infertility on my personal Facebook page and received the support of friends.  All in all, a good week.

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Tomorrow I'm going to the Catholic Women Blogger's Network Conference in California (say that three times fast).  I'm pretty excited, though a little nervous because I think I'm the only infertile blogger going, so I'll be a little out of my element with no safety net.  Here's hoping it goes well and I have some great tips to bring back to this blog.

Thanks for stopping by.  As always, for more great posts, check out Kelly's at This Ain't The Lyceum.

Infertility Awareness Week: The Care and Keeping of an Infertile Friend

I feel like I've seen a lot of these types of posts, what to do and not do, or say and not say, and they're probably much more thoughtful and well written than mine (This one is my favorite so far this week).  Also, the last post of a Catholic Perspective of Infertility covered this much more thoroughly. However, as there seems to be a bit of confusion among people, so I thought I'd add my two cents.  So here's my take on the care and keeping of me, as your infertile friend.*

What Not To Do:

Just a little note on these: I do get that people are human, and I try to assume they are well-meaning as often as I can (unless there is obvious malice, which is very uncommon).  I won't hold it against you if you do one of these things, but you may get an earful on why you should not going forward.  So I'm saving the time and getting it out of the way in advance :).

1. Give Unsolicited Advice (With Judgment).  This one might be personal preference, but it certainly applies to me.  I've been researching infertility for years now, actually for ten years, since I learned I have PCOS.  I know what's available, what works for me (not much), what doesn't (almost everything), and what I am or am not willing to try.  Offering me advice when I'm not asking for any (i.e "You have to do acupuncture", "I just heard of this vitamin...", "You should do IVF/IUI/ surrogacy") is really not necessary.  At minimum, it's redundant, and at worst it brings up painful memories of failed treatments, or is offensive to my morals.  It only adds insult to injury if you are then upset/judgmental/giving the stink eye when I dismiss the idea as something I'm not into right now, and it is only creating a larger burden on me.

2. Say Unhelpful Things.  There are definitely better lists compiling these.  Go here and here for some of the worst offenders. For me, these are the absolutely worst:

• "Just Relax." Actually, relaxing won't help my medical problem. Would you tell that to a cancer patient? (One time someone actually answered yes to that though)
• "Maybe God doesn't want you pregnant right now," "just let go and let God," basically anything along the lines of suggesting that the speaker knows God's will or that God is doing this to me. God is all good, not evil. Infertility is not inherently good, but an evil, it is a disease.  God is not causing me this evil, but He can choose to bring good out of it, one way or another.  Here's my favorite post addressing this. Main point is though, only He knows what He's doing, so it's best not to suggest that you do.
• "Just adopt" or "once you'll adopt you'll get pregnant." Adoption is a long, oftentimes expensive, and difficult process.  It is a calling of it's own, and there is no "just" to it.  Statistically speaking, the second statement is untrue, regardless of how many anecdotes you've heard.  Adoption is not an infertility treatment, will not heal the wounds of infertility, or the pain of knowing that my body doesn't work. And children through adoption are not lesser than children that join the family through conception as the latter statement implies.
• "You're so young" and/or "you have plenty of time." Something along these lines was said to me by the nurse, in post op, right after my ovarian wedge resection.  I couldn't believe someone could be so insensitive.  I guess it could be meant to be reassuring, but it really has the opposite effect.  I might be in my 20s, but that does not mean that I "have plenty of time."  If I can't get pregnant while I'm young, in my more "fertile" years (hah), and if fertility declines with age (as it does), imagine what will happen as I get older (more of nothing, I guess).  

Bottom line, all of these are unhelpful, and can be deeply hurtful.  Put some consideration to what you're going to say before you say it.

3. Force Interaction. 9 times out of 10, I will see friends when I might not be feeling like it because I value friendship more than my own discomfort.  Many times I have gone to see friends, knowing I will end up crying in the car on the way home, and curling up with my husband and a bottle of wine the rest of the night (I wish that was hyperbole).  However, there are times I have to avoid people and situations when I know I can't emotionally handle it.  So, if I'm trying to gracefully back out of something, please be understanding.  Along the same line, please don't force me to do anything (like fell the baby kick, hold a baby, change a diaper, etc.) because "I need practice" or the like.  If I'm feeling comfortable with that kind of thing, I'll offer.  If I haven't offered, or I've already turned down your offer once, please let it be. I'm doing my best to hold myself together.

4. Avoid or Exclude Me. This might at first seem contradictory to the above, but it isn't really.  Like I said above, I value my friendships over my own issues most of the time, unless I'm really in a place of mental/emotional/physical distress.  I don't want to be left out of your life just because we are in different places, like you being single, pregnant, or having children.  I will take alone time or back out of events if I need to, but most of the time I will not, so feel free to talk to me and invite me to what you have going on in your life.

5. Pity Me.  I am no fan of pity.  You and I both know when you are saying things out of pity rather than out of care or friendship. For example, if you're in the middle of a conversation about children, don't ask me about my dogs, or worse, tell your child to ask me about my dogs (again, this might be a personal preference thing).  I know my dogs are the only thing I have experience raising, but even I know dogs aren't the same as children (Just don't look at my pile of dog toys or doggie wardrobe). It's clearly pity and trying to fit me into a conversation that I just don't fit into. So, pity, just don't.  It's not helpful.

That being said, there are some basic things that will help our relationship:

What to Do:

1. Be Understanding and Supportive.  Instead of suggesting what to do by way of treatment, adoption, or whatever, be supportive.  If what I am doing is in the moral bounds of the church (if you have doubts, feel free to bring it up, I can quote the catechism for you), please just be supportive, know this action (or inaction) has taken a lot of deliberation, and know that my husband and I are doing what we think is right for us right now.

2. Listen.  Carrying the burden of infertility alone gets difficult.  Sometimes I could use some help in carrying the burden, and you can help by just listening and being there. Heaven knows my husband is probably tired of hearing about it and could use some reprieve too.

3. Do Something Thoughtful.  Look, attending baby showers, newborn hospital visits, and baptisms can be painful with infertility.  Heck, even weddings can be hard. I love celebrating with you, and believe that every new life deserves to be celebrated, but these events are also reminders of my pain and failures. They also remind me of how very few people send anything or visit me when I have procedures, surgery, or am having a bad day.  I know, it might stem from envy, and comparison is bad, but being forgotten hurts.  It doesn't have to be a big gesture, just asking how I'm doing, or giving me a hug, cup of coffee, and/or bottle of wine (are you sensing a theme here?) would be so nice.  Actually, the best thing you could possibly do is redirect me or a conversation when it's obvious that I can't handle a situation anymore, and that comes for free!

4. Let me know I have value.  For anyone dealing with infertility, knowing your body doesn't work the way it is supposed to is hard to deal with.  It can be heartbreaking, and it can make you feel worthless (though that is not true of course).  This is even more highlighted when you are single/pregnant/have children and I am/do not.  Don't shut me out, but let me know my friendship means something to you, and that I have some value. Even if I can't commiserate about dating/pregnancy/ raising kids, I can listen (and I'll try my best to not compare them to my dogs).

5. Pray.  It might seem uncomfortable, but offering to pray for the situation (and following up on that) is always comforting and helpful, even if it seems awkward.  You don't even have to pray that I will have a baby, just for comfort, strength, guidance, or whatever (Not patience though, that one always backfires on me). If you don't pray, offer good thoughts or something.  It's the thought that counts.  (Well not really, but it's a start!)

*Experiences of infertility vary widely, so I make no claims that these apply to everyone, or anyone else, just me. Also, I do get the irony that this is an anonymous blog, and won't actually be shared with my friends "In Real Life" but what can you do.

Infertility Awareness Week: A Catholic Perspective

I belong to a group of catholic men and women experiencing the various forms of infertility who have created this post to share for this week.  I'm honored to have been included as a small part of the process and to be able to share the post with you here.

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One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 months of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past (regardless of the outcome) but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 19 – 25, 2015 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey.

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The Experience of Infertility

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our small families, whether childless (primary infertility) or with fewer children than we hoped for (secondary infertility), make us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Some will experience infertility with a complete lack of cycles. Some couples won't even get to experience the benefit of being able to really try to conceive because of this harsh reality, which is a constant reminder of brokenness for those experiencing it. The pain and anxiety that comes from a lack of reproductive health can be crippling.

And yet others, despite hormonal dysfunction and health issues, will experience the cyclical nature of infertility through conception itself (or recurring conception). These couples go on to lose their children (early, full term, or shortly after birth, and anywhere in between) either once or many times. If you know that we've experienced a loss (something we may or may not have the courage to share), know that we are grieving. It wasn't "just" a pregnancy or "just another" pregnancy that was lost; it was our living baby that died. And we are more likely to be traumatized by the cyclical nature of our infertility because of our losses. We do not get to choose that our cycles will mimic our losses. We are at the mercy of hope.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass every year will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

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Please...

* Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.

* Do not make assumptions about anything - not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.

* Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.

* Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a separate calling and should be discerned by every married couple irrespective of their ability to conceive biological children. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.

* Do not assume that if we try to adopt that the process will be successful. Many adoption attempts fail and don't result in a couple receiving a child placement (temporarily or permanently). Some couples are flat out rejected from attempting to adopt by different agencies and governments. Just like adoption is an incredibly intrusive and emotionally charged issue that is part of a separate calling in the journey to "parenthood", it isn't always a possibility for infertile parents. Do not assume we can. And be gentle if we are trying. It's extra painful to be infertile and not be able to adopt. And we are likely so hurt that we can't bear to share the details with everyone.

* Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.

* Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.

* Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.

* Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don’t “Like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.

* Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.

*Do not exclude us from your life because you think we may be uncomfortable. It is actually more painful to be left out because of the cross we're carrying, and we know that doesn't make a lot of sense to our families and friends. We will excuse ourselves from events or situations if we must, and please let us do so gracefully if the circumstance arises.

* Do not ask when we are going to “start a family” (we started one the day we got married).

* Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.

* Do grieve with us if you know that we've experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death (or many). You may not know what to say to comfort us, and that's ok. Let us grieve at our own pace and on our own schedule without guilt or explanations, even if we have living children. Do not offer platitudes for why you think it happened, how you think it's part of God's plan for us to suffer, or any number of things you think might have been wrong with the child. It was our living baby that died. Let us grieve, pray for us, and if you can, let us know you care by being there for us in our grief. Let us know that you remember that our baby lived, no matter how short of a life.

* Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds, please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.

* Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.

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Because this topic is so difficult for so many women and men, the best thing our friends and family can do (and indeed strangers we encounter who may be aware of our struggles) is pray for us. We are grateful for those who offer their prayers and support in a gentle way. Your support is invaluable to us.

Lastly, remember that compassion means "to suffer with". We didn't sign up for this to happen. We can't control whether we overcome this. And we're doing our best to navigate the murky waters and maintain our sanity and our faith and our relationships with our family and friends through it all. We truly need your support and love to accomplish that. Please, please suffer with us and be Christ to us. No other understanding of our cross will be more merciful or more loving than if you put yourself in a situation to sympathize or empathize with us. The pain of infertility is exacerbated by the fact that it draws us into ourselves. We need your help to remind us in the most difficult moments that we aren't alone, God didn't forget us, and that we have something precious to offer through the fruitfulness of our marriage even when it isn't manifesting in the children we so desperately want to hold. Together, we can offer up our shared suffering for Christ. It's a powerful witness to both of our faiths to travel this road together and we'll manage it better with your help than if we have to travel it all alone. 

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This post was made possible through the collaboration of 430 members of a "secret" facebook group of Catholic women and men struggling with the pains of infertility in all of its forms. Together we are stronger. And in having the conversation, we are breaking the silence. If you are Catholic and experiencing the pains of infertility and would like to join a "secret" facebook support group, please send me an email at tomato (at) tomatosvine (dot) com and provide me with your email address and we will happily add you to our discussion.