So I don't know if I'm the only one, but weddings are a huge trigger for me. They all tend to follow the same pattern: See the beautiful and moving ceremony, have fun at the reception, have a few drinks and dance my feet off, head home, then have a break down in the car until its time to go to sleep. Its happened like clockwork at all of the wedding we've been to since we've figured out we're infertile, though I didn't realize the pattern until after the wedding we went to last night.
Thinking about it, I think its caused by a combination of things. It starts with the ceremony. I think Catholic wedding ceremonies are beautiful, and hearing the couples say their vows always takes me back to when we said those same words. At the same time, little parts of the ceremony get me. For example, the couple is asked "Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?" Those mentions of children are peppered throughout the mass. I believe it is beautiful, and should rightly be a part of the ceremony, a big part of marriage is being open to children. However, each time it comes up, its a reminder of the children we would happily accept into our marriage but don't have.
Then we get to the reception. You see how happy the new couple is, and I can't help but start to wonder what their future will be. Will they have children? Probably soon, sooner than us at least. At some point in the night the bride and groom end up dancing with some of the babies or children, and that's when I start tearing up.
I'm normally a pretty guarded person, and tend to keep my emotions buried. Unless I'm on medication that's making me crazy, or on here I guess, I don't talk to much about my feelings about our infertility. Sure I talk about the fact that I'm infertile, and treatments and whatnot, but not really about how it all makes me feel, at least not very often. But once you get a few drinks in me, as happens during weddings, especially those with open bars, the feelings start coming to the surface. And considering the fact that we only go to one or two weddings a year, that's a lot of feelings.
So by the time we get to the car, hotel room, or home I get sad and start talking about all the feelings and crying. I feel sad about the children we don't have. I feel bad about the fact that the Hubs would make such a good father, and so wants to be a father, and instead is stuck with me, who can't seem to be able to give him a child. I think about I think about our future, what will it look like if we don't have kids? Will just the two of us be enough? And so I sob and I sob until I exhaust myself and go to sleep. The poor Hubs is always taken off guard, but does his best to console me and is a complete sweet heart, but I'm sure its hard on him.
Now that I've reflected on all of this, and I've recognized the pattern, I'm determined that it won't happen at the next one I got to. The next wedding I'm aware of is set for March, so at least I have time to prepare. Now if I could just figure out how to do that...
The "Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?" vow was always so hard on me too. It would make me think, "Well, I bet they won't be infertile and they'll have approx 3 babies before we ever have one." Or I'd think, "Man, if they only knew how hard it would be if pregnancy doesn't come easy." ... kinda wishing infertility on them so that they would know my pain. It wasn't pretty. I don't have any great advice here, just that I definitely understand how weddings can actually bring out some rough emotions. I wish it wasn't that way, because weddings and marriages are AWESOME, as are the babies that come from them. But unfortunately they just end up being a reminder of all that we don't and possibly won't have. It's tough stuff. Hoping that your new awareness of this pattern of sadness will help next time around! But know that it's ok to still feel sad too. Hugs!ReplyDelete
I'm glad to know I'm not alone in those feelings. I do love how weddings are such happy events, and hate that the negative feelings can overshadow them. Hopefully I'll be able to focus on the positive more!Delete
Thanks for the post on our blog! We wanted to do the same here. Know that we consider you a friend on the journey of infertility. We are walking with you and if you ever need any help feel free to email us. We try to share the masculine perspective on our blog if your husband ever is interested. Those posts are by Mr. M.ReplyDelete
Know that we sympathize with your feelings here in this post about the wedding! It is so tough to get these strong feelings in public!!! It can be so embarrassing too. And then we feel guilty we let out all of those sad feelings on our husbands. But it is okay. Your feelings of mourning are beautiful. It is beautiful that you desire to be a mommy, which is at the root of every tear! Rejoice in that and know they are a lovely thing.
As for the feelings in public, we try to keep two things in mind. On one hand, the feelings are beautiful and it is necessary to grieve and bring them up when needed- at least to your beloved Husband. On the other hand, we are reminded by what another infertile couple said that "sanctity in the moment is to do the opposite of how you feel." We try to think of these two things. We, of course, fail and fumble through this advice. And reactions to those beautiful feelings of mourning is another topic entirely. But these are a few of the thoughts we have.
We will be sharing this weekend on the blog another public situation that causes consternation around the holidays and asking for help too. Oh, what to do with those feelings?! That is thee question. Prayers for you!
Thanks so much for stopping by! I appreciate it an your friendship! I love the fact that your blog has both perspectives, I'll definitely pass it along to the Hubs.Delete
Its comforting to know that I'm not alone in getting those feelings, and thank you for the advice on how to handle it. I love than quote about sanctity, that's so good to keep in mind.
Looking forward to your next post! I'll be praying for both of you too!