This is kind of a follow up from last weeks post about offering my crosses. This Sunday was the feast of the Holy Cross, and the readings and homily really got me thinking again. In the first reading, we heard about the Israelites grumbling against God in the wilderness after God had lead them out of Egypt.
So often I find myself like the Israelites. Although God has led me and continues to do so, I grumble. I forget all that God has saved me from and given me and get discontented with my current state. However, God is using my current state for something, though I don't know what. Another reminder of what God could be doing with my crosses, this email came from Divine Mercy Daily:
"It so happened that I fell again into a certain error, in spite of a sincere resolution not to do so — even though the lapse was a minor imperfection and rather involuntary — and at this I felt such acute pain in my soul that I interrupted my work and went to the chapel for a while. Falling at the feet of Jesus, with love and a great deal of pain, I apologized to the Lord, all the more ashamed because of the fact that in my conversation with Him after Holy Communion this very morning I had promised to be faithful to Him. Then I heard these words: If it hadn't been for this small imperfection, you wouldn't have come to Me (Diary, 1293)."
And also Matthew 16:26 "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" I'll admit that my spiritual life had been stagnant the last few years. I went to Mass every Sunday and said prayers with the Hubs at night, but that was it. My prayer life had kind of atrophied. In the last few months, what with all the highs and lows of treatment, I've relied on God, the Virgin Mary, and the saints more, and have felt them pulling me closer. I've realized how much I am not in control.
Perhaps if I had a child, if I hadn't had to deal with infertility, my spiritual life would have continued to deteriorate. Maybe God is using my infertility to bring me close to him. If that is the case, I should gladly take this struggle than to lose my whole soul. I should accept the suffering in this life and realize that it will hopefully benefit me in the next.
Yea, that's a bunch of shoulds. Right now, I accept these things logically, but in my heart I still struggle with it. I told the Hubs today, I realize that I have to have a cross, that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. Hopefully God can get this through my thick skull and help me accept and embrace my crosses in my heart.